Thus I Wrote

Look in the mirror
And kiss yourself
Take your arms
And hold yourself

You were beautiful then
Behind the tattoos
You were beautiful then
Behind the abuse

You took it to the limit
You did all you could
You felt it too much
Much more than we would

You were not stupid
But not that smart
Maybe for wisdom
This is a large part

And all those smart people
They don’t do much
Good parts in a machine
It seems as such

They wanted a bee
In a beehive mind
But all you are now
Is all you’ve left behind

And now it seems strange
But yesterday you were mine
And tomorrow you’ll be gone
But I know you’ll be fine

Its not the end of my book
Just the end of a page
I gave to the world
And this is my wage
I’ll turn it over
And to the top I’ll go
I’ll read on without you
But I’ll read on slow

I fell from the top
Of your shiny glass wall
I held on too tight
‘Til it wasn’t me at all

Its not the end of my book
Just the end of a page
I gave to the world
And this is my wage
I’ll turn it over
And to the top I’ll go
I’ll read on without you
But I’ll read on slow

I eat bread with olives
And drink wine now and then
As the sun sinks on the terrace
I remember you back when

Its not the end of my book
Just the end of a page
I gave to the world
And this is my wage
I’ll turn it over
And to the top I’ll go
I’ll read on without you
But I’ll read on slow

Oh, if you invited me
I could not refuse
I would dive right in
Like I’d nothing to lose

Lead me not into temptation
Because I’m wrong for you
Because I can’t do now
What would be best for you

But oh, to steal a kiss
Just once or twice tonight
As we walk and we talk
In the winter moonlight

Last night was a dream
But now I’m awake
In my head there’s a memory
And in my gut a dull ache

Shared my life with you
But that’s all over now
Lately, we didn’t love much
And now we’ve forgotten how

We met way back when
We were almost young
And we so wanted love
That together we clung

We were driven by desires
We didn’t fully understand
We were tripped by feelings
We never could command

Was love just the drug
That made us forget?
All of the differences
That we came to regret?

We weren’t always right
But we were right for each other
And now we’re not wrong
But we’re wrong for each other

Your words explode in my head
And I freeze with pain…
My stomach’s in a knot
And I’m back here again

Like a knife on a taut rope
Back and forth until I fall
Into the lonely darkness
Surrounded by a dark wall

Such warmth and such joy
You offer on a good day
But on a dark day a knife
That makes me hurt & pay
That makes me lose myself
And my demons to recover
Who take my voice
Who launch and takeover..

Your every word an arrow
Shot true and sharp
Cut through my defence
And straight into my heart

I was slow and feeble
Against your rapier thrusts
Before I knew where I was
I was hooked on unjust
I had responded
In a battle I did not choose
And it was a battle
That I would always lose

You force a crisis
You ignore my pleas
You parry my defence
You thrust and seize
Your satisfaction prize
You see my wound bleed
You see me hurt silent
“Oh Stay… let me feed…”
You think “Its your fault
By all that you do,
I forget my pain
By inflicting it on you”.

And so I withdraw
To let my wounds heal
To analyse and to write
To process what I feel

Grey limestone celtic cross
Grey cold autumn day
Leafless trees sway
And crows fly away

Is this my only monument?
As this cold silence bleeds
Above where the worms breed?
Where the earth waits to feed?

Is there no love?
A transaction of give and take
No forgiveness for our sins
And so our hearts just break

Is this the autumn?
A foreboding of winter ahead
The life and colours of Summer
All now blown and fled.

Did you break it?
And did you betray?
Or actually did I, then?
I was just in your way?

When we signed
What did we actually agree?
How would I love you?
And how would you love me?

If I don’t make you happy
Are you free to go?
Free to find your happiness
And step on me as you go?

We had a written contract
And a commitment called marriage
But when love went out the window
The wheels came off that carriage

Was the real contract written
In blood, in our hearts?
And when the blood, it cooled
You decided we should part

I was hurt and I was angry
And fearful of course
But of our faults together
I believe we share the source

I want now to heal
So I will let go
Of all anger and blame
And this takes time I know…

She has no filter
She thinks something,
And then she just says it.
I consider the options
The plus and minus then,
The moment is lost with it.

There’s a time to filter
And then there is,
A time to let the world know.
Trust is built on
Knowing how to predict,
Where the other will go.

If I calculate
Or I prevaricate,
I create distance and fear.
Sometimes it’s better
To say what you feel,
To allow your loved ones near.

I must clear my mind
Of the clutter and distance,
And the blockage in our way.
I’ve a deep well of love
But they must know it,
In small ways every day.

I live on Dean Street
And I pay rent every week
I work in a local bar
Too noisy even to speak

I have a child of two
From a man long gone
Then love made me forget
That I was just a pawn

I walk in the park
With my child of two
The birds fly by
And the sun shines through

Couples walk on
With their children in tow
And the fun that they have
Is something that I don’t know

I dance alone now..
The curtains are shut
The lights are low
I am Beautiful
Look at Me now..
I am Extraordinary
I am Shining
I am Powerful
I am Flying
Look at Me now..
I am Transforming
I am Flying
Look at Me now..

Let’s go to sleep
I was appealing
Oh, please tell me
What you’re feeling

(It was the aftermath
In the moonlight
And my eyes were heavy
After our loving night)

Are you happy
With how we are?
Yes, of course darling
Together we’ve come far

Tell me your dreams
What do you believe?
What do you want?
And hope to receive

Uh…What…?
It’s late & this is deep
Let’s just agree…
To cuddle and to sleep

But I’m afraid…
And it’s lonely if I hide
I need your love
To fill the emptiness inside

Uh…Did I dream?
Did you want some tea?
I’ve been working so hard
And I’m so sleepy…you see?

I drifted off to sleep
So I couldn’t see her
As she turned over quietly
And wiped away her tear

I remember the cracks
You felt out of control
You felt lonely and hurt
And you blamed my role

So did I not love you?
Enough to stop your fear grow?
Did I let the emptiness
Creep into your soul?

Or was there a seed sown
In your lonely childhood?
That so choked your heart
And so froze your blood?

But by what strange alchemy
Can we so change our state?
From such bright love
To such anger and hate?

So as we drew our lines
And we fought to stalemate
Our union became a patient
That we dissected on a plate

But still, it felt a shock
Like a punch to the heart
I thought we could mend
But you said we must part