Thus I Wrote

I think about giving and taking
And that which I have forsaken
In the past I gave in hope
To fertilise a union needing growth
Today I find I’m in deficit
With my happiness a forfeit
I gave too much without a deal
And for too long did I kneel
Too much hope and too little vision
So now I have less after division
Maybe it would’ve been more brave to say no
Maybe it would’ve been better earlier to go
Maybe I should’ve never given a ring
But they say that hindsight’s a wonderful thing

I stayed and hoped for better days
Finding now the bitter parting ways
But I did raise a child fully grown
And I gave her family a loving home
Now all is lost under blame in time
And lonely scapegoat sorrow is mine
For long I could glimpse this fate
And I worked hard to avoid this date
But like gravity I fell from grace
Into this dark and loveless place
So now I process it all in rhyme
To help me heal and love in time

Two lovers sit on a concrete floor
She is distraught
He is concerned
Love is in the air
Will they make it?
…My coffee grows cold

A husband and wife waltz slowly
With one hand she takes the money
With the other she slaps his face
Tells him “not good enough”
Too much head
Not enough heart
…My coffee grows cold

His emotions churn from white to black
From love to hate
From compassion to anger
He has been rejected
He feels dejected
…My coffee grows cold

68% of divorces filed by women
Its the norm
In this day and age
Too busy to pay enough attention
Ignoring all the bumps on the road
Death by a thousand small cuts
…My coffee grows cold

I see ghosts
The haunting of familiar faces
In familiar places
The pricking of past emotion
Of daughters and son
Of past lovers and losses
Of victories and failures
Of sister and brothers
Of father and mother
As I approach
The focus gets sharper
The love is sifted
And turned over
…My coffee grows cold

For as long as I live
I’m a port in the storm
A shelter from the cold
To keep you warm
In understanding you
I’m in way over my head
But I’ll always be there
To love you instead

Let’s hold hands
As we walk on the soft sand
Where the palm tree grows
Where the summer breeze blows
Where the salty sea flows
Where the cool moon glows
There my heart skips a beat
And hope rises in the heat

My hope is a start
I know trusting is tough
I’m playing a part
And taking chances is enough
I know I’ve got the heart
For another big love

Lets walk & share a joke
We won’t fix what ain’t broke
We’ve got less to come
And we’ve got much more already done
Is it really an illusion
A mad wonderful confusion
We’ve been here before
But we’re back for more

My hope is a start
And there’s no time to bluff
I’m playing a part
And my trust is enough
I’ve got the heart
For another big love

There’s a truth in your beauty
The form of your life’s duty
I see your patience and care
How you give and take your share
I see your love and grace
Shine in time and space

My hope is a start
I know trusting is tough
I’m playing a part
And taking chances is enough
I know I’ve got the heart
For another big love

She harbours resentment
I feel it as it stifles her kiss
She harbours resentment
She feels there’s so much I’ve missed
She harbours resentment
I try to reach her but she resists

It started so well
How could we foretell
We made plans & lists
But they didn’t include this
Our differences in time
Became a chasm wide
What’s mine to confess
I now ask forgiveness

She harbours resentment
I feel it as it stifles her embrace
She harbours resentment
I see the wariness in her face
She harbours resentment
She needed more love and needed more grace

I remember her touch
When she loved me so much
We talked every night
Our dreams shone so bright
Now there’s silence and hurt
Forgotten value and worth
What’s mine to confess
I now ask forgiveness

She harbours resentment
I feel it as it stifles her love
She harbours resentment
Now however much I give is never enough
She harbours resentment
I’m between the rock below and the hard place above

Her happiness
Was always my quest
I’m haunted by the mess
Of that failed test
I wish our kingdom
Had more time to come
But what’s mine to confess
I now ask forgiveness

Something’s fallen
Something’s broken
Many careless words
I wish were never spoken

Not enough love left
To pick up all the parts
Avoiding the many falls
Appears the required art

A love like the sun
Would banish fear
Would shine a light
To make the precious clear

I raised my voice, when I should have not
I looked at you, while thinking wrong thoughts
I drank too much, and disguised by mirth
Said careless words, and you, got hurt

After we argue, I often shut you out
I waited to calm down, I wouldn’t trust my mouth
I made a silence & I wouldn’t let it go
I made you lonely, and I wish, it wasn’t so.

I spend too much time, living in my head
It makes me negative, and aloof, you said
I need more heart, and I need more fun
I feed the elephant, when I, should make it run

My emotions are dark, too dark for me to read
They swirl, they rise up, when it’s calmness I need
They lash out when things don’t go my way
My wise counsel, is drowned, inside my head.

I’ve seen a love, that’s as warm as the sun
It touched the heart and the soul of everyone
A graceful self that was clear to its shine
An inspiration, but I’m so, far behind

I know I’m blind so I can’t see
That I’m a prisoner so I’m not free
That a change now must surely come
That if I conquer myself, I will be done

Picture by Piotr Antonow

This is the end
You said it’s over
We can still be friends
But never again lovers

I know..the seasons will turn without me
I know..the sun will rise without me
I know..the rain will fall without me
I know..the flowers will grow without me

You said with tears
That it’s better we part
That over the years
I broke your heart

I know..the seasons will turn without me
I know..the sun will rise without me
I know..the rain will fall without me
I know..the flowers will grow without me

You want to move on
You can see a new life
You have now grown
Beyond being my wife

I know..the seasons will turn without me
I know..the sun will rise without me
I know..the rain will fall without me
I know..the flowers will grow without me

This is the end
You said it’s over
We can still be friends
But never again lovers

I know..the seasons will turn without me
I know..the rain will fall without me
I know..the sun will rise without me
I know..the leaves will fall without me
I know..the flowers will grow without me
I know..rivers will flow without me

You said with tears
That it’s better we part
That over the years
I broke your heart

I know..you will wake without me
I know.. you will cook without me
I know..you will cry without me
I know.. you will  laugh without me
I know.. you will have fun without me
I know..you will celebrate without me

You want to move on
You can see a new life
You have now grown
Beyond being my wife

I know..you will have a new home without me
I know ..you will dress without me
I know..you will look good without me
I know..you will sleep without me
I know..you will have new friends without me
I know..you will love again without me

We spoke last night
I said “I’m sorry,
I can make it right,
You should not worry”

But was it too little?
Was it too late?
Has the hurt horse long gone
Through that broken gate

Does a broken heart
Ever really mend?
Does the buried hurt
Haunt us till the end?

Is it too little?
Is it too late?
Has the hurt horse long gone
Through that broken gate?

True love it shines
Our lives to bless
To create and design
Needs forgiveness?

Is it too little?
Is it too late?
Has the hurt horse long gone
Through that broken gate?

They say you reap
Just what you sowed
You get what you deserve
You get what you are owed

So is it too little?
Is it too late?
Has the hurt horse long gone
Through that broken gate?

Picture: The Conversation by Piotr Antonow