Thus I Wrote

We met that evening
In the ICA cinema
We met that evening
In the ICA cinema
Your hands were so warm
My heart began to thaw

They say the darkest hour
Is right before the dawn
They say the darkest hour
Is right before the dawn
It’s been brighter since I’ve met you
Is my conclusion drawn

In the dark at the Green Note
Music floated in the air
In the dark at the Green Note
Music floated in the air
Later we kissed and travelled North
As you moved your hand through my hair

We swim in dirty water
Sometimes we feel sick
We swim in dirty water
Sometimes we feel sick
Some say we’re too sensitive
But I wouldn’t change us a bit

We travelled through London
We saw better by bus
We travelled through London
We saw better by bus
On to Brick Lane graffiti
I love many things about us

You’re in a black mantilla by my grave
In the black dress bought from money you’ve saved
You’re in black sunglasses dropping tears
You’re oblivious to quizzical glances here

Now throw in your red rose
To finish your design
And I’ll love you forever
…In the memories I’ve left behind
And I’ll love you forever
…In the memories I’ve left behind

You’re in a straw hat, as the waves they pass
You’re drinking Rosado, from a beaded glass
You’re in black sunglasses, hiding your fears
You’re oblivious to admiring, glances here

And the breeze it carries the sun
As the boats, begin to dance
As the stars align, one more time
…You have one more chance
As the stars align one more time
…You have one more chance

We acquire knowledge,
And we pass it on down the line
And we do what we can
As we pass through time

And even with our backs against the wall
There’s still hope for us today
We have no answers
But we still have stuff that we can say
And I know we have no answers
But we still have stuff that we can say

We love each other
With our beautiful fractured hearts
We need something to hold onto
We need someone’s hand to grasp

Worries about trust
Are you seeing someone?
Rationally I said no
But instinctively I said run

I said I gotta go
You were stunned you began
But then you angrily said
You must be loco…man

I’m not loco
I’m not loco
Just an ordinary
Ordinary…man

Worries about trust
Accusation and doubt
You got a problem now
You wanna change me about

Sometimes, I stumble
Sometimes, into the dark
Sometimes, I handle it
Sometimes, it leaves a mark

I’m not loco
I’m not loco
Just an ordinary
Ordinary…man

Actions speak much louder
Given with the right intention
Instead of chameleon words
Hidden with clever invention

What do you want of me now?
In those chameleon words, I can’t hear?
But I remember your actions
Is it Karma that you fear?

“Don’t hate me” you strangely said
But it’s something I never do
I’ve called you out as wrong
That’s all I think of you

What do you want of me now?
In those chameleon words, I can’t hear?
But I remember your actions
Is it Karma that you fear?

You can survive as a chameleon
But you’ll leave much undone
You gotta stand out with respect
When you wanna get some

What do you want of me now?
In those chameleon words, I can’t hear?
But I remember your actions
Is it Karma that you fear?

Well the parting was disjointed
And of an apparent selfish design
Was it just a clumsy mistake?
Or something more planned and malign?
The magic left like a light going out
Like air from a hissing balloon
The barriers came crashing down
Rushing the warmth from the room

I was made redundant
My services not now required
This was a crash landing
Ice emerged from the fire
Such breathless, ruthless action
No time even to think
A sword taken to the chain
It cut straight through the link

Later when I resurfaced
After gut wrenching days
“Keep good memories of us”
“Don’t hate me”, she says
Her actions had spoken louder
They didn’t care what I thought
Was a dishonest bow-tied closure?
Now really what she sought?

“Oh, integrity’s important to me,
I don’t want you to feel used”
(Accepting no responsibility
But implying my feelings are confused)
I can forgive of course
But only with explicit request
And only with some recognition
That growth and change are a quest

Nothing can protect me now
Cos everything must change and end
But there are more loving ways
Of leaving the party at the bend
Something nags at her inside
Maybe it’s the karma that she’s won?
Somewhere she needs approval
Something’s yet unfinished and undone

I awoke and I rose above
The detritus of the night
Half-remembered dreams
In the anxious half-light
I heard silent whispers
In the candlelight as they fed
And I saw the forgotten many
In the mansions of the dead

I watched her as she talked
And I saw her emotions flicker
I thought and I wondered why?
Do her angels and demons bicker?
I saw a cloud of sadness float by
I wondered what does it teach?
What hand is on her shoulder?
And from where does it reach?

In the night I feel her
Breathing love and affection
And her legs they wrap around mine
Is she seeking my protection
My prayers are like incense
They rise quietly above her head
As she searches for the answers
In the mansions of the dead

When you parted from me
I felt uneasy
Incomprehensibly
I felt uneasy

We’d connected tentatively
Then more deeply
All too briefly
More deeply

We rode wildly,
We fell differently
You and me
Differently

Have you taken from me?
All you needed from me?
Unquestionably
All you needed from me?

What do you think when you see?
Your memories?
Playing timelessly?
In your memories?

We’re moving on freely,
Moving on differently
You and me
Differently

Since you parted from me,
I’ve felt uneasy
Instinctively
I’ve felt uneasy

I’ve no words left
After how we parted
I’m alone at sea
Trust’s now re-started

What now of my needs?
What now of yours?
The contract’s broken
Back knocking on doors

“Lovely, lovely memories”
Yes…you’re so right
They shine so bright
In this cold turkey night

Of course it’s my shit
I know it’s mine to manage
In this cold empty silence
I will limit the damage

We lived wild for a time
We trusted each other
In a brief oasis of time
We enjoyed each other

I lit two candles for Lana,
There, in snowy Berlin,
My prayers mingled with the smoke,
That rose in the quiet space therein.

I get impatient,
Trying to connect true,
When games get in the way,
Of what is beautiful in you.
I wanted you to be real,
I don’t like false layers,
But I know I asked too much,
So my patience was my prayer.

Lana, I think you’re unhappy
You know how to survive,
How to protect yourself,
And to economically thrive.
But love is much misunderstood,
Have you ever known real love?
One that nurtures and grows,
Signified by that dove?
You were an intelligent, sensitive child,
Lost in a big boisterous family,
In a rough, striving environment,
Who listened to you intently?
Did you grow too hard a shell?
To protect yourself in there?
I wonder at your loneliness
So your happiness was my prayer.

I’m not that ruthless
I’m not as decisive as you
I knew if I jumped
That it could really hurt you
And I was trying to take stock
I was trying to understand
I was trying to hold on
I was trying to hold your hand
I was trying to stay on
As we were thrown about
I was honest, I could’ve lied
In my confusion and my doubt

I’m not that cool
I’ll say I’ve been hurt by you
I know that I miss you
I know that I want to see you
But there were too many questions
I could feel you slipping
And then we were falling
We could hear things ripping
I gave all I could
I really cared about you
But I knew that this could end
With only hurt to hold on to

I‘m not that confident
I can’t say it will be fine
No, I need to see much further
Right on down the line
I don’t close my eyes and jump
No, I look before I leap
And maybe he who hesitates is lost
But we gotta choose how we sow and reap
This is another defeat
But we have not lost
Let’s remember the dream
Let’s forget the cost