Thus I Wrote

I live on Dean Street
And I pay rent every week
I work in a local bar
Too noisy even to speak

I have a child of two
From a man long gone
Then love made me forget
That I was just a pawn

I walk in the park
With my child of two
The birds fly by
And the sun shines through

Couples walk on
With their children in tow
And the fun that they have
Is something that I don’t know

I dance alone now..
The curtains are shut
The lights are low
I am Beautiful
Look at Me now..
I am Extraordinary
I am Shining
I am Powerful
I am Flying
Look at Me now..
I am Transforming
I am Flying
Look at Me now..

Let’s go to sleep
I was appealing
Oh, please tell me
What you’re feeling

(It was the aftermath
In the moonlight
And my eyes were heavy
After our loving night)

Are you happy
With how we are?
Yes, of course darling
Together we’ve come far

Tell me your dreams
What do you believe?
What do you want?
And hope to receive

Uh…What…?
It’s late & this is deep
Let’s just agree…
To cuddle and to sleep

But I’m afraid…
And it’s lonely if I hide
I need your love
To fill the emptiness inside

Uh…Did I dream?
Did you want some tea?
I’ve been working so hard
And I’m so sleepy…you see?

I drifted off to sleep
So I couldn’t see her
As she turned over quietly
And wiped away her tear

Let us go then you and I
With the evening spread out against the sky
Let us go, through the certain half deserted streets
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster shells
Oh do not ask “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo

There will be time, there will be time
Beyond the fog that slides along the street
To prepare a face for the faces that we meet
Time for you and time for me
Before the taking of toast and tea
For a hundred indecisions
For a hundred visions and revisions

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo

Time to wonder:”Do I dare?” and “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair
Do I dare, disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Because I have known them already, known them all
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons
Heard their voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas

Would it have been worth it, after all
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me
Would it have been worth while?
To have bitten off the matter with a smile
To say: ” I am Lazarus, come from the dead”
If one, settling a pillow by her head
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all,
That is not it at all.”

I grow old…I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us and we drown.

I remember the cracks
You felt out of control
You felt lonely and hurt
And you blamed my role

So did I not love you?
Enough to stop your fear grow?
Did I let the emptiness
Creep into your soul?

Or was there a seed sown
In your lonely childhood?
That so choked your heart
And so froze your blood?

But by what strange alchemy
Can we so change our state?
From such bright love
To such anger and hate?

So as we drew our lines
And we fought to stalemate
Our union became a patient
That we dissected on a plate

But still, it felt a shock
Like a punch to the heart
I thought we could mend
But you said we must part

Later that night
I remember it well
You came to my room
In the St James Hotel

And so began my quest
To make you mine
With flowers and jewels
With laughter and wine

We were sky and earth
We were wind and sea
But we fitted each other
Like a lock and key

I gave you protection
I gave you children and a home
And enough love to fill
The space in your soul

So we agreed to join
As we surfed our wave
And we both felt valued
For the love we both gave

I wake in the morning
My gut tense with fear
Going nowhere fast, revving hard
I’m stuck in first gear

I have a coffee
Trying to clear my head
Before my thoughts spill out
Into something I said

I then think of him
And have done since he died
His gaze unwavering
I never knew him to hide

He never seemed worried
About being left behind
And his ignorance never
Seemed to clutter his mind

Behind his kindness
And out of view
He was on praying terms
With a God I once knew

And was it by accident?
Or was it by design?
That he had a pure heart
And a calm, simple mind

When I was with him
I forgot panic and fear
And basked in the warmth
Of having love near

I finished my song
To little applause
It was long past midnight
And it felt a lost cause

I packed my Martin guitar
With a Baggs pickup
She gave them to me
Long after the breakup

She took one of my names
But she spelt it wrong
But she only ever wanted
To sing her song

She seduced with sacrifice
With talent and brand
Until the world chose her
With an invisible hand

She’s famous now
And it hurts still, the calculation
And all the steps she buried
Under her infatuation

It feels lonely sometimes
This choice to be free
This fire isn’t as bright
But it belongs to me

Sweat runs its journey
Slowly down my back
As I sit in a bar
Way off the beaten track

Music hangs in the air
And the sea crashes nearby
“Have another whisky…
Now tell me…why?”

“Her vulnerable beauty
Was her siren song
To pull me in
From the ship I was on

We went in fast
On a ride, wild and strong
She forgot her demons
But it was not for long

It had felt like love
Until things began to break
I thought she had enough to give
But that was a mistake

She hides her strong will
Deep in her vulnerability
I was broken on the rocks
Hidden in her stormy sea…”

She finds me again somehow
After going missing for a while
With a bottle of whisky
And her “kiss-me” smile

I drink my whisky
It burns all the way down
I see the dawn is breaking
Over this forgotten town

She takes off her red dress
She has new tattoos
And I was falling
And losing myself anew

I said “I loved you
But its all over now…”
She said “I tried leaving you
But I don’t know how…”

Its a stormy night
But the balcony is dry
I can hear the rain falling
I can see the clouds fly

I drink my whisky
I feel it warm my gut
Her red dress is wet
And her eyes are shut

We hear music float
From the streets below
She smiles and sways
And dances real slow

I drink and I watch
I feel my blood rise
She smiles and sways
And opens her eyes

I must be crazy
She has a troubled past
But she’s so beautiful
I forget it can’t last

“Dance with me”, she whispers
“This is our night”
She holds out her arms
In the pale moonlight