Thus I Wrote

I wait at the cross
Of two great roads
I was given my quest
I was told what I owed

The wine in the glass
Was red from the sun
It dripped from her lips
And to the earth it did run

Like precious stones
Her eyes they shone
Her laughter was the drug
That I was hooked on

And the earth it moved
And the wind it blew
And the seeds they fell
And the trees they grew

I fought in the night
Something I couldn’t see
I stabbed at its heart
But the blood came from me

Her lash on my skin
It cut and ripped through
The blood I let run
To sow something new

I wait at the cross
Of two great roads
I show what I’ve paid
I reap what I’ve sowed

Oh, if you invited me
I could not refuse
I would dive right in
Like I’d nothing to lose

Lead me not into temptation
Because I’m wrong for you
Because I can’t do now
What would be best for you

But oh, to steal a kiss
Just once or twice tonight
As we walk and we talk
In the winter moonlight

Last night was a dream
But now I’m awake
In my head there’s a memory
And in my gut a dull ache

Shared my life with you
But that’s all over now
Lately, we didn’t love much
And now we’ve forgotten how

We met way back when
We were almost young
And we so wanted love
That together we clung

We were driven by desires
We didn’t fully understand
We were tripped by feelings
We never could command

Was love just the drug
That made us forget?
All of the differences
That we came to regret?

We weren’t always right
But we were right for each other
And now we’re not wrong
But we’re wrong for each other

I crawled under the ivy
I crawled under the trees
I crawled to where the flowers grow
My father dug the earth
My mother gave birth
Under my hands I felt the earth flow

I sat where the sun shone
Where the hay was tossed on
And the smell rose to the sky
We drank tea and fed
On rhubarb in bread
And we talked of things, Dad and I

I held his hand with the lark
I was afraid of the dark
As we took milk to the creamery
In the horse and cart
We laughed and felt part
Of the world that raced by me

I stayed outside alone
I was scared on my own
I said I’d no money but I lied
All the children go
To the puppet show
I stayed outside and I cried

Down the hill I go
Through the green meadow
I could see them all laid out
As the hailstones fell
As they lashed my legs
As they moved all our things out

Your words explode in my head
And I freeze with pain…
My stomach’s in a knot
And I’m back here again

Like a knife on a taut rope
Back and forth until I fall
Into the lonely darkness
Surrounded by a dark wall

Such warmth and such joy
You offer on a good day
But on a dark day a knife
That makes me hurt & pay
That makes me lose myself
And my demons to recover
Who take my voice
Who launch and takeover..

Your every word an arrow
Shot true and sharp
Cut through my defence
And straight into my heart

I was slow and feeble
Against your rapier thrusts
Before I knew where I was
I was hooked on unjust
I had responded
In a battle I did not choose
And it was a battle
That I would always lose

You force a crisis
You ignore my pleas
You parry my defence
You thrust and seize
Your satisfaction prize
You see my wound bleed
You see me hurt silent
“Oh Stay… let me feed…”
You think “Its your fault
By all that you do,
I forget my pain
By inflicting it on you”.

And so I withdraw
To let my wounds heal
To analyse and to write
To process what I feel

Grey limestone celtic cross
Grey cold autumn day
Leafless trees sway
And crows fly away

Is this my only monument?
As this cold silence bleeds
Above where the worms breed?
Where the earth waits to feed?

Is there no love?
A transaction of give and take
No forgiveness for our sins
And so our hearts just break

Is this the autumn?
A foreboding of winter ahead
The life and colours of Summer
All now blown and fled.

Fears grow in the dark
Buried and out of sight
But they will shrivel
When brought into the light

Fears are part of us
To make us more effective
If we let them drain us
They’ll make us more defective

Fears may be demons
To possess our minds
But love will cast them out
To leave clarity behind

We don’t need the fire
Or the brimstone of hell
We’ve found something
That will do just as well
We fear its all seeing eye
Will observe us if we sin
And we fear the penance that
Our transgressions will bring
We don’t need prayer
We can telephone our plea
And we don’t need God
We’ve got CCTV

We don’t need confession
We’ve another ceremony
We now explore our guilt
On the couch with therapy
We don’t need the bible
We’ve so many laws
And self-help books
To help fix our flaws
We’ve come so far since
Moses parted the Red Sea
So we don’t need God
We’ve got CCTV

We asked God for meaning
But silence is all we hear
We may feel empty
And be filled with fear
We may be seduced by
Evil leaders and religious lies
With evil manipulation
Wrapped in a meaningful disguise
We may commit many sins
By what they decree
To replace God’s meaning
Unseen by CCTV

Did you break it?
And did you betray?
Or actually did I, then?
I was just in your way?

When we signed
What did we actually agree?
How would I love you?
And how would you love me?

If I don’t make you happy
Are you free to go?
Free to find your happiness
And step on me as you go?

We had a written contract
And a commitment called marriage
But when love went out the window
The wheels came off that carriage

Was the real contract written
In blood, in our hearts?
And when the blood, it cooled
You decided we should part

I was hurt and I was angry
And fearful of course
But of our faults together
I believe we share the source

I want now to heal
So I will let go
Of all anger and blame
And this takes time I know…

She has no filter
She thinks something,
And then she just says it.
I consider the options
The plus and minus then,
The moment is lost with it.

There’s a time to filter
And then there is,
A time to let the world know.
Trust is built on
Knowing how to predict,
Where the other will go.

If I calculate
Or I prevaricate,
I create distance and fear.
Sometimes it’s better
To say what you feel,
To allow your loved ones near.

I must clear my mind
Of the clutter and distance,
And the blockage in our way.
I’ve a deep well of love
But they must know it,
In small ways every day.

Let us go then you and I
With the sun low in the sky
Let us hold hands and walk
And fall into a gentle talk
Let us cross the river
Let us kiss and each deliver
Our happy moments together

Let us forget the unspoken
Words and promises broken
Let us forget our yesterday
Full of debts we should pay
I know we have a tension
Of things not to mention
In our happy moments together

I have a burning desire
To take it to the wire
To shout and converse
To disturb the universe
To answer the overwhelming question
And so release my tension
Before our happy moments together

When we dance I forget
All the things that I regret
I feel myself changing
Something inside rearranging
And my old life dying
I am free and flying
In our happy moments together

Can I conquer myself so
I may be free to go
And love you dearly
And see you clearly
To live each moments past
As if they were our last
Happy moments together