Thus I Wrote

I can’t talk to you now, it hurts too much.
We’ve tried to talk together about basic stuff
But we get lost down some dark maze
Of misunderstandings and hurtful ways.
Instead of your beauty and your grace
I see the dormant anger in your face.

I’ve no blame left for you over this deep cut
But I feel pain and have guilt deep in my gut
Yes and I’ve despair over all that’s died
‘Cos once we were cool, side by side

Christmas was harder in this Winter rain
As memories washed over me again
I was numb ’til now but then something restarted
I finally told a friend that we had parted
It was a punch to the heart as it all rose up again
A complex mixture of sorrow and of shame
Oh I hope this year that we’ll restart our lives
I think I’m ready but demons may still arise.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
I can still be loud when I should say things discreetly
I’ve tried to change but I say things carelessly
I’ve been swimming against a current ceaselessly

Someday we’ll meet and talk of old times
And you’ll enjoy your time and I’ll enjoy mine
But now in your heart there’s still a bend
And that’ll take some time for you to mend

I hate how my wrong word you didn’t need
Somehow killed off my history of good deeds
How you drew lines where I felt I could only lose
With loved ones on different sides and saying “now choose”
And how you felt betrayed when I tried to still
Our turbulent family waters with logic and will

Well I can be kind and I can do the right thing
Sometimes with you I was guilty of forgetting
You’re a good woman and you’ve  a good heart
Still you found all those things in me that kept us apart
And I don’t know why,  but it all went black
I wish I could change it and turn it all back
I haven’t forgotten you laughing in my arms
And I haven’t forgotten your beauty and your charms
But now I’ve bought new clothes to stir my blood
And I’ll paint in bright colours, it’s time I should.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
Life is messy and rarely happens neatly
But I’ll go forward fearlessly
And swim against the current ceaselessly

You told me earlier that night of your last few years
Maybe I didn’t understand, maybe I was a bit clumsy
I tried to understand your choices
As the music drowned our voices
But it didn’t really connect with me

But there was something that night, about how you danced
In your black, leather skirt
And I ain’t forgotten it yet
Cos it helped me forget
All the past and all the hurt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

Earlier that night you touched my hair
I think in just in a casual way
But it felt like tenderness
And it felt like kindness
Or was I reading it the wrong way?

Oh…you’re a force of nature
An ocean of emotion, of love and of heart
You pull at me with your fun
But you’re not free to be won
And that alone must keep us apart

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
And we didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

I’m moving on now, maybe we’ll meet again
Maybe you’ll be the spark of my revolution?
With your beauty and heart
Will you play a part
In my new year plans and my resolutions?

But I wish I’d taken a photo of you dancing that night
In your black, leather skirt
With your hair thrown back
As you moved to the music’s attack
In your black boots and black tee shirt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
We didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

I try to love you but I am repulsed
I feel rejected as I have for so long
I’m on the wrong page and now I’m feeling my age
I just keep on getting it wrong

The scales they tip in my weighing mind
But they’ve tipped your way for too long
I’ve given ’til it hurts and now it hurts too much
I just keep on getting it wrong

I’ve built the boundaries that make me
They protect me in the throng
I’ve moved them on, ’til a part of me feels gone
I just keep on getting it wrong

I know perception is your reality
And my caricature is so strong
I need a new brand and to deal a new hand
I just keep on getting it wrong

Now every morning I knock on doors
Cos to live I need to belong
For my learning heart, it’s the hardest part
I just keep on getting it wrong

The sun shines down on last night’s frost
And in the quiet I hear a bird’s song
I think of Spring and the changes I’ll ring
Cos I just keep on getting it wrong

You reach out through clumsy words,
Through shared things and scenes
You want me to like them too,
And for a while I miss what you mean…

Your music is alien to me,
I see what their faces lack,
I listen to their stories,
And it brings me all the way back.
This was the country I left behind,
A country of catholic sin,
A country alien to me,
But that they felt at home in.
Once I thought I was better,
But now I just feel alone,
I have no real country,
And I have no real home.
I ripped all that tried to cling to me,
Because I needed to be free,
To travel on my quest,
To find out who I must be.
To become the butterfly,
I shed my caterpillar skin,
And on a wheel of stone,
The start has now come again…

Then I hold your hand,
I listen and watch you smile,
Now love drowns our differences
After a little while.

Now then moody puss,
Have I’ve done something wrong?
I see you’ve got that frown again,
I see  you’ve got your face on.
I feel your silent disapproval,
I feel the tension of a trigger,
Behind angry words all ready,
To shoot me down with vigour.

We used to laugh and joke around,
And lighten up our day.
Maybe with a glass of wine,
And romantic interplay,
It’s hard to remember cuddles now,
On a day like today,
When you’re all argumentative,
No matter what I say.

Yeah, well I’m sorry,  I really am,
But work needed me late.
I’m no good at these arguments,
And you always win these debates,
That happen often and it hurts,
When you say that I don’t care.
Well, of course I do, I really do,
But… this is getting us nowhere.

I made her feel special
For a moment that night
But she’s “in a relationship”
Now I wonder what might

Could I bottle that feeling
And use it later on?
When silences are growing
And that magic has just gone?

We’re in a noisy world
Full of insecurity and tension
Could I create a special bubble?
And maintain her special attention?

We’re in a noisy world
Full of allure and distraction
For better or worse
Would I follow through with action?

But life is built on moments
One good memory at a time
And I’d create special memories
So she feels special and mine

I met a beautiful woman
Unexpected that night
And the universe clicked
Because something felt right

We had only a moment
But I felt something stir
I offered myself tentatively
I offered myself to her

Oh..Sometimes we reach out
And touch another’s soul
In ways that go deeper
Than ever we know

She was a gift
Offering hope it seems
A light in the distance
A glimpse of a dream

I made her feel special
For a moment in time
She opened my heart again
…..I think I’ll be fine

I’m certainly glad to see you,
You look so graceful and elegant,
In your lilac, silk dress.
I see you have a golden aura,
I hear your voice is full of money,
Among the tea, cake and flowers..yes
And the white drapes they rose,
On the wind from the sea.
I was lost in their billowing,
And their seductive revelry.
You’re my light in the distance,
You’re my hope and you’re my goal.
You’re my light in the distance,
I feel you pull at my soul.

And the band began to play,
As they cleared the tables away,
For the glittering young things.
They laughed and they danced,
In their sparkling dresses,
And their sparkling diamond rings.
But we left in secret,
To a secret garden tree.
And under the twinkling lights,
I kissed you and you kissed me.
You’re my light in the distance,
You’re my hope and you’re my goal.
You’re my light in the distance,
I feel you pull at my soul.

My hope and my wonder,
Drove me all my life
On a ride wild and fast.
But I was swimming against a current,
That was bearing me ceaselessly,
Back into my past.
And one by one my lights went out,
I was broken up like glass.
Upon the hard, cold malice,
Of your cruel and careless class.
You’re my light in the distance,
But I was drowned in your entourage.
You’re my light in the distance,
But you were a shimmering mirage.

In the silence of other voices
We spoke to each other quietly
In the dark my body cries out
It longs for you nightly

We have fears and uncertainties
In our past we have regrets there
I desire to see you smile
My heart burns with simple care

We will leave our offerings behind
And our children will thank or rage
They will add their own offerings
To our connected internet age

Our failures are the salt of life
In between try and achieve
They shine and polish our gifts
To find our purpose and believe

I do not have elegance
Or sophisticated taste
I do not have subtlety
Or socially expected grace

I’m certainly glad to see you
In your silk lilac dress
Among the tea, cake and flowers
Oh, what does your look confess?

You are my light in the distance
My hope and my goal
The flesh of all my dreams
And I offer you my soul

And the cotton drapes blew
In the wind from the sea
I was lost in their billowing
And seduced by their revelry

I have a brave heart
And I am kind
I have hope and wonder
And my loyalty is blind

Later the band it played
For all the glittering young things
Who laughed, danced and waved
All their diamonds and rings

But we left in secret
To a secret garden tree
And under the twinkling lights
I kissed you and you kissed me

I was optimistic & full of hope
To achieve my dream at last
But I swam against the current,
Bearing me ceaselessly into the past

And one by one my lights went out
I was broken up like glass
Upon the hard malice
Of a cruel and careless class