Thus I Wrote

A life corner turning
A change has spawned burning
Someone else used the matches
But I will rise, rise from the ashes

I’ve recently counted the cost
Of winning less than I’ve lost
Life’s only been good in flashes
But I will rise, rise from the ashes

I’ve lost a lot of money
Standing still while running
I’m sick of financial crashes
But I will rise, rise from the ashes

In love I’ve been lonely
But it’s not about me only
I still believe in love’s passion
I will rise, rise from the ashes

I can’t do it alone
I need help to grow
To rise from life’s burns and lashes
I will rise, rise from the ashes

In that stone floored kitchen
I remember the friction
She stood with hand on hips
Her tongue through pursed lips
Behind my grandmother’s back
In impotent fury at her lack
Of kindnesss or empathy
Of understanding or sympathy

She was but twenty three,
A young bride recently free
With two children born
With another being formed
With difficult in-laws in-between
An old farmhouse to clean
And animals to harness
And produce to harvest
She had no indoor toilet
Or central heating or carpets
Or running water or electric light
Or friends or family nearby.

She was scared when the storms came round
And my father tied the thatched roof down
When the pig was killed she cried tears
As it was used to feed us for the year.
She cooked on the open turf fire
And milked the cows when tired
While my father sold milk to the creamery
To buy clothes, sugar and tea

A blow-in, it was said of her
And they were scornful of her
Of her lack of land and education
How she was now above her station
They could not see that the love
She brought in bucket-loads was enough
How she lit up that cold house
Meant she was more than a worthy spouse.

She was a Christian in deed
All the week it was soon agreed
She was a well of strength
With an addictive laugh freely spent
She attracted people to her
And over time won them all over.

Save my grandmother alone
Who had a hurt never shown
But which stifled her love
And her only son had never enough
My mother’s married life was tuned
To repairing that wound,
And at the end of his life of need
It seemed she finally did succeed.
He loved her so and learned
That he was loved by her in return
With such love his fear did cease
And he died, as much as we know, in peace.

I remember her when
Her hair was a lustrous brown
She wore shorts then
To a rhythm with no sound
She had captured my heart
But my head rebelled
We were together apart
But I was compelled
I forgot all the rules
When I swam
In her swimming pool

We parked the car
We looked in our eyes
We kissed and saw far
Beyond common lies
I could hear us breathe
I heard my blood race
Would she follow my lead?
Was there was a look in her face
I pushed for more
She did not resist
She began to moan
And strain and twist
She tingled to my rule
As I swam
In her swimming pool

It rained & it poured
I was washed anew
We played sacred chords
Heard only by a few.
I was crystal sure
Her body moonlight shone
Her lines majestic pure
Peace had silently come
A power was mine
An incredible power
To control for a time
My sun and her flower
A symphony of pleasure
We duelled with no swords
We valued with no measure
We spoke with no words
It was earthy mother nature’s school
When I swam
In her swimming pool

I remember her
Standing with hands on hips
In that stone floored kitchen
With her tongue stuck out
In defiance and impotent fury
Behind my grandmother’s back

She was but twenty three, a young bride
With two children already
And another on the way
With two elderly parents to tend to
With an old farmhouse to clean
With hens, pigs, cattle and geese to feed
With produce to collect and harvest

She had no indoor toilet
Or carpets
Or central heating
Or running water
Or electric light
Or friends
Or family nearby.

When the storms came
My father tied the thatched roof down.
He brought turf for the open fire
And sold milk to buy clothes, tea and sugar

My mother cried when the pig was killed
Every year to feed us for the year.
She despaired of the dirt
And the wayward animals
And her wayward children
And her needy parents-in-law

She was a blow-in
And they were scornful
Of her lack of land and of her education.
He was too good for her.

They could not see the love
She brought in bucket-loads
And armfuls,
And how she lit up that cold house.

But then as she always said
An empty vessel makes most sound.

She was Christian indeed
and not just on Sunday
She has a well of strength
And her laugh is infectious
And addictive.
She attracted people to her
And over time won them all over.

Save my grandmother
Who had a secret hurt
That she never shared
But which stifled her love
For her one and only son.

My mother spent her life
Trying to repair that wound,
And at the end of his life
It seemed she finally succeeded.

He loved her and was loved
By her and knew it to be so.
With such love there is no fear
And he died, as much as we can know,
in peace.

She woke up tired
She did not sleep well
She has been through ice and fire
Many times I could tell
She looks in the mirror
At a stranger as she speaks
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She is always in a hurry
And is often late
Her face it shows her worry
Will she miss her date?
Although she’s hot and bothered
There’s a serenity she keeps
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

I sometimes watch her
As she moves and talks
Her beauty has not left her
Especially when she laughs
A lust for life moves her
She hungers for the love she seeks
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She is sometimes angry
Over something that I’ve done
I may think it’s silly
And not noticed that it’s wrong
She demands an answer
And sometimes she cuts deep
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She talks of angels and grace
But can stir the devil in me
I’m in a difficult race
To match her certainty
Her dogma can be a spur
To create silence for a week
But everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She’s a flower that can bloom
In the fertile earth
She will blossom I assume
When cherished for her worth
Such a love will release her
And in return, her love I’ll reap
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

The lines are all drawn
And positions taken
It’s arguments at dawn
And we are forsaken
I think about giving and taking
And how she takes too much
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Will our differences exchange
For the complement we seek?
I know love requires change
And turning the other cheek
Will she do some kneeling?
And her share of the rough?
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Why do we seek control?
Is it a security thing?
We could destroy the whole
Of what we’re trying to win
A lost battle has me reeling
Did I shoot the wrong stuff?
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

So give of your love
And it shall be given to you
It’s more blessed to give
Than to receive it too
Such a love sounds healing
And ours a childish bluff
I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Picture: Bella by Lucien Freud

You looked at the deep blue sea
Beautiful in the midday sun
You were looking to the future with me
Wondering if I’m the one
My heart said you were for me
We floated together in the sky
I went down on one knee
You promised,”Until I die”

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?…
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

A new family we created
With a beautiful daughter born
And two children we each donated
To warm our created home
You had time to study yourself
To reinvent yourself anew
I was captured by work
To pay all of the bills due

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

Chocolate your guilty pleasure
New Age your guiding light
Lots of women friends to measure
Life and decide what’s right
You were the emotional muse
The oracle on things of the heart
Strong but easily bruised
The artist as we drifted apart

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?…
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

I’m slow in an emotional race
Much slower than you
I carry my dysfunctions in a case
Beautifully presented too
Our history is not all as planned
But there is much that is good
Below our doubts and fears
Is our love just misunderstood?

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

Do you want to fix this?
Or is it too late?
Is your heart too wounded
Behind your locked gate?
Can we talk about things
Can we play in tune?
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

Let’s clean out the stable
Please forgive me my sins
All the hurt I have caused
Has locked your love in
I am truly sorry
And my remorse it is true
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

When I know you forgive me
And love me, I’ll be free
I am still a prisoner
Frustrated and angry
I know I have other things
That I must work on too
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I promise to love you
And not shut you out
I promise to be patient
Hard for me, no doubt
I will listen and talk to you
And have fun with you too
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I promise to create peace
And light up your day
I will look at you with love
While I listen to what you say
I promise to forgive you
When you make a mistake or two
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

Sleep it would not come
As I moved her things round the room
I rocked myself until numb
To dispel my gathering gloom
I thought, we are older now
But her beauty it still lingers
This relationship is slipping
Slipping through my fingers

I’m floating & drifting away
Disappearing out of sight
I need a challenge to grab me
I need a cause to fight
To get some self respect
Make my soul soar like a singer
To stop my life slipping
Slipping through my fingers

It feels like she has moved on
Passed the point of no return
I’m discarded and lonely
Frozen, as her memory burns
Phantom suitors call her
And hurt me with the love they bring her
This relationship is slipping
Slipping through my fingers

She is riding the pale horse
Of her accumulated emotion
It’s out of my control
Impervious to devotion
I wish I could hear her sigh
Again as her nerve ends tingle
This relationship is slipping
Slipping through my fingers

We have had problems for some time
She’s been a disappearing act
She could not forgive me
And her love began to crack
Isolation has hurt me
It put me through the ringer
This relationship is slipping
Slipping through my fingers

I’m lost and it’s painful
A promethean task
I’ll focus on the basics
Give her the space she asks
I’ll try to be patient
Even though my hurt’s a stinger
This relationship is slipping
Slipping through my fingers