Thus I Wrote

This human condition
In which we live
In which we know
This absurd condition

We watch ourselves grow
Live, love and decay
We hear echoes of eternity
In a dark universe of stars
We wonder, we cry out
For a father or mother
A creator to give us meaning
Someone to make us feel less alone

We push our boundaries
We compete for our space
We seek some control
For the world to remember us here
And so the river runs
Ever onward
And so the current pushes us
Ever onward

Now I’m alone at night
In the darkness
I feel the earth turn
Beneath me
I’m fading, fading into silk
Black silk

I was born naked
Naked in a frightening world
A world without obvious meaning
A world insecure
A world with no direction
A world of swirling forms
A world of noise and uncertainty

And so I built a house
To make sense of the world
And it became my world
With pillars strong
And I found others
Who shared my world
And together we built a city
To protect us
To give us meaning
To protect us from storms

But one day a big storm came
That knocked a pillar of my house down
That rocked my world
That separated me from the others
That forced me to look at the truth
To look at the darkness beyond my house
To look at the darkness beyond my city
And I saw death
I saw no obvious meaning
I saw I was alone
I saw the terrifying responsibility
Of my freedom
I saw the terrifying responsibility
Of finding my own way

For a while I went mad
And I sought distraction
In drink, in sex, in recreation
But, over time, came acceptance
Over time,  I found my new niche
Over time, I found a way to compete and serve
Over time, I built a new house
In a new city
With bigger windows
Over time, I let more light in.

You were out on the street with me
Full of passionate conviction
You made me realise then
That I’d let the darkness in
That I’d let ignorant intensity
Punch me in the heart
I worried the centre couldn’t hold
I worried things were falling apart

We try to make the future
Through the limits of our own haze
And it becomes our faith
And we push it in our tribal ways
But it makes me feel lonely
And then I need to hear you call my name
As I ache for the things I love
In this grand game

And I feel so small
As I stare up at the stars
As I feel the sand shifting
Oh but I remember we’ve travelled, so far
And I really don’t mind losing
If  the reason is sound
If we don’t lose the wisdom we’ve found
As this grand game, cycles round

Now when everything is slipping
And the cold wind starts to blow
I remember that sometimes things fall apart
So better things may fall together and hold
Inequality shines through
Beneath the ignorance and the lies
But false promises won’t do you no good
In this grand game

And I feel so small
As I stare up at the stars
As I feel the sand shifting
Oh but I remember, we’ve travelled, so far
And I really don’t mind losing
If the reason is sound
If we don’t lose the wisdom we’ve found
In this grand game

Now it’s all fading away
We compete well as we must
But we’ve much more in common
Than that which divides us
There’s always room in the dark
As in between the changes we’re drifting
To the light of the moon
Your lovely face, I’m lifting

Image – Anselm Kiefer – The Renowned Orders of The Night – Guggenheim Bilbao.

I see a darkness
Threaten our light
That has created our day
From the darkest night.

They feel disconnected
They feel all alone
Too much inequality
They don’t listen any more
They have lost trust
In the perceived elite
Who got richer than they
Who couldn’t make ends meet

The global winds of change
Tell them they’ve lost control
And they believe many lies
They pay papers to be told
They want the identity
Of their yesterday’s nation
And they want more say
And less immigration

Now they won’t listen
They just want to fight
For destruction and change
And not for what’s right

And there was a void
Festering in their minds
And something dark was born
Leaving cohesion behind
And in this dark void
So a false prophet grew
He thought of false hope
The fog they won’t see through

So the ingredients were there
Now the scene was set
For him to enter
From stage right or left
The wizard of fear
He is the demagogue
The alchemist of prejudice
Emotions and fog

This assassin is now dressed
In the clothes of a clown
But his creative destruction
Won’t bring him down
He shot the future
Right through the heart
I was there as it died
And things fell apart

Are you free?

Are you free?
To make it on your own?
To be the author of your life?
Do you mind being alone?

Do you have chains?
Ones you cannot see?
Ones you cannot escape?
That connect you to me?

Are you free?
From tomorrow and yesterday?
And all the useless fears along the way?
And can you enjoy?
The love and the beauty?
That you move too fast to see?

Oh, do you feel unprepared?
For all the problems we share?
But life is come as you are?
Just feel the wind in your hair?

Oh, do the waves whisper and preach?
To you on a sun kissed beach?
Or maybe on a blue ocean caught?
With the sails blowing taut?

Are you free?
To make your life a masterpiece?
To make your life’s purpose clear?
By creating and giving?
By being selfless and sincere?

Are you free?
Have you spat in their eye?
Have you stared them down?
Have you said goodbye?
To all those heavy things?
That stifle and weigh you down?
That bleed you like vampires?
’Til you sink and drown?
Have you fought off the darkness?
Have you come into the light?
Are you now free to be?
The best that you can be?

Are you free?

Hey B, I hear you
But I ain’t no mushroom
You’re so hot on the stage
And so cold in the bedroom

You say you’re not happy
You say it’s my fault
Well that’s your wound
And that’s your salt

I worked with Becky
We had some platonic fun
But you made the bullet
And you pointed the gun

And what’s with the hive?
All them sisters now onside
Saying you’re now a victim
You know that’s not right

I love you baby
I want to see you happy
I never want to hurt you
But you gotta believe me

I love you baby
But you gotta move on
If we can’t stop hurting
Then we’ll soon be gone

I had lost sight
Of where I ended and others began
I had stretched my personal boundaries
Way too far for an effective man
My core was now too vulnerable
I felt subject to mortal attack
I felt too much for my survival
I was way too defensive as I fought back.

So mild criticism was then shot down
With angry verbal assault
As if my core being was under threat
And I felt it was always their fault
I needed to differentiate
Between my core and other things
Like people, attributes and activities
Despite all the value that they bring.

Because in my core being
I’m not my team or the work I choose
I’m not my friends, family or country
My mantra now is “I’m not my shoes”

 

Inspired by a story in “Love’s Executioner” by Irving D. Yalom.

I walk down the pavement
I sit down inside
Hot coffee and warm croissant
I start swimming against the tide
I’m reaching out
Don’t know what’s next
I’m reaching out
Trying to connect

It’s a new day
And the sun is streaming hot
I remember the stars said last night
“Nobody knows the plot”
I was raised on a promise
It was whispered in the wind
It said “Give all you’ve got
And nobody’ll say you’ve sinned”
I’m reaching out
We’re all we got left
I’m reaching out
Trying to connect

Dancing together, with new steps we learned
We move together, that’s another corner turned
Saw my team lose again, unanswered questions, confidence lost
We all compete, new questions answered, new frontiers crossed
We’re holding it together
Trying to connect
We’re reaching out
Trying to connect

I made her feel special
For a moment that night
But she’s “in a relationship”
Now I wonder what might

Could I bottle that feeling
And use it later on?
When silences are growing
And that magic has just gone?

We’re in a noisy world
Full of insecurity and tension
Could I create a special bubble?
And maintain her special attention?

We’re in a noisy world
Full of allure and distraction
For better or worse
Would I follow through with action?

But life is built on moments
One good memory at a time
And I’d create special memories
So she feels special and mine

The world’s now betrayed me,
That hope-myth collage
My dreams have escaped me
Like a shimmering mirage.

Now what should I do
When all my world’s false?
When I’ve lost all my ideals
And all that I was taught

I find the purest line
That I can follow true
And I create bright new principles
New dreams and new values

I look for authenticity
And I take emotional risks
I build my own true code
And I create my own true mix

I now reject your past
It’s not effective any more
I now reject your rules
For my own path to explore

I find my own private self
Beyond your old moralities
Beyond your values and beliefs
Built on authentic practicalities

* Inspired by Ernest Hemingway’s – “The Sun Also Rises”.