Thus I Wrote

It’s difficult to close the door
To leave it all behind
The past has good memories
It’s a balm to the mind

I’ve been invisible
As I juggled their needs
I’d lost myself
Thrashing in the weeds

I must move on
And let it all go
Enjoy the future
And accept the unknown

Maybe I can fix myself
And look forward anew
I could not fix them
But I can love you

She’s a grand woman
I remember her smile
I remember her fun
All the chats o’er the miles
We connected so deep
Even though for a short while
Then she was wonderful
Then she made me smile

There’s no time for regrets
Even though my heart is sore
I’ve grieved some
I’m sure I’ll grieve some more
Sure there’s a hole in my life
Where once she was there
She grew word by word
Until I really cared

We tried, it was fun
It was a hell of a ride
We travelled way too briefly
Together, side by side
I thought there’s more in it
I thought there’s more to come
But we couldn’t hold on
And now it’s all done

I won’t forget her
But she won’t hold me back
I’ll keep the rope tight
Now’s no time for slack
I’ve still got more energy
I’m not lost or stuck
I’ve loads more to give
With effort and luck

The sun always rises
After the dark of night
Nothing good comes
Without some kind of fight
I’m ready for tomorrow
But I’ll enjoy today’s sun
I’ll grieve as I need
But then I’ll move on

I can’t talk to you now, it hurts too much.
We’ve tried to talk together about basic stuff
But we get lost down some dark maze
Of misunderstandings and hurtful ways.
Instead of your beauty and your grace
I see the dormant anger in your face.

I’ve no blame left for you over this deep cut
But I feel pain and have guilt deep in my gut
Yes and I’ve despair over all that’s died
‘Cos once we were cool, side by side

Christmas was harder in this Winter rain
As memories washed over me again
I was numb ’til now but then something restarted
I finally told a friend that we had parted
It was a punch to the heart as it all rose up again
A complex mixture of sorrow and of shame
Oh I hope this year that we’ll restart our lives
I think I’m ready but demons may still arise.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
I can still be loud when I should say things discreetly
I’ve tried to change but I say things carelessly
I’ve been swimming against a current ceaselessly

Someday we’ll meet and talk of old times
And you’ll enjoy your time and I’ll enjoy mine
But now in your heart there’s still a bend
And that’ll take some time for you to mend

I hate how my wrong word you didn’t need
Somehow killed off my history of good deeds
How you drew lines where I felt I could only lose
With loved ones on different sides and saying “now choose”
And how you felt betrayed when I tried to still
Our turbulent family waters with logic and will

Well I can be kind and I can do the right thing
Sometimes with you I was guilty of forgetting
You’re a good woman and you’ve  a good heart
Still you found all those things in me that kept us apart
And I don’t know why,  but it all went black
I wish I could change it and turn it all back
I haven’t forgotten you laughing in my arms
And I haven’t forgotten your beauty and your charms
But now I’ve bought new clothes to stir my blood
And I’ll paint in bright colours, it’s time I should.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
Life is messy and rarely happens neatly
But I’ll go forward fearlessly
And swim against the current ceaselessly