Thus I Wrote

I raised my voice, when I should have not
I looked at you, while thinking wrong thoughts
I drank too much, and disguised by mirth
Said careless words, and you, got hurt

After we argue, I often shut you out
I waited to calm down, I wouldn’t trust my mouth
I made a silence & I wouldn’t let it go
I made you lonely, and I wish, it wasn’t so.

I spend too much time, living in my head
It makes me negative, and aloof, you said
I need more heart, and I need more fun
I feed the elephant, when I, should make it run

My emotions are dark, too dark for me to read
They swirl, they rise up, when it’s calmness I need
They lash out when things don’t go my way
My wise counsel, is drowned, inside my head.

I’ve seen a love, that’s as warm as the sun
It touched the heart and the soul of everyone
A graceful self that was clear to its shine
An inspiration, but I’m so, far behind

I know I’m blind so I can’t see
That I’m a prisoner so I’m not free
That a change now must surely come
That if I conquer myself, I will be done

Picture by Piotr Antonow

The lines are all drawn
And positions taken
It’s arguments at dawn
And we are forsaken
I think about giving and taking
And how she takes too much
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Will our differences exchange
For the complement we seek?
I know love requires change
And turning the other cheek
Will she do some kneeling?
And her share of the rough?
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Why do we seek control?
Is it a security thing?
We could destroy the whole
Of what we’re trying to win
A lost battle has me reeling
Did I shoot the wrong stuff?
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

So give of your love
And it shall be given to you
It’s more blessed to give
Than to receive it too
Such a love sounds healing
And ours a childish bluff
I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Picture: Bella by Lucien Freud

I know I have hurt you
I know I have shut the door
I know you have been lonely
Waiting for me, unsure
My feelings tripped me up
While reaching out to you
I’m guilty of not listening
And talking badly too…
…I want…to give you my love

Surprise me with a kiss
A public show of affection
I want you to hold my hand
Take the initiative of a connection
Use the same rules for us both
So that I am not surprised
Forgive me for my failures
And then you will be prized…
…I want you…to give me your love

The heart once hurt
Needs good memories to heal
Women seem to hurt more
Or remember it more I feel
You need a lot to heal now
And will reject and hurt in return
I will need a big heart now
To manage the hurt when it burns…
…I want…to give you my love

I raised my voice, when I should have not
I looked at you, when I thought the wrong thoughts
I drink too much, and disguised by mirth
I say the wrong things, and you get hurt
I can’t conquer myself…..I can’t conquer myself

My glass is half empty, because I’m afraid
It makes me negative, and aloof you said
I don’t laugh enough, and I’m not much fun
I’m feeding the elephant when I should make it run
I can’t conquer myself…..I can’t conquer myself

I hit a brick wall, then I shut you out
I wait to stop hurting, I don’t trust my mouth
I create a silence, I won’t let it go
I’m frozen by hurt, but I won’t let it show
I can’t conquer myself…..I can’t conquer myself

I’ve drawn a battle line, between us in the sand
One of us must cross it, but I’m powerless to command
As we wait for each other, it becomes stalemate
It needs a big person, to change this state
I can’t conquer myself…..I can’t conquer myself

My emotions, they are dark, too dark for me to read
They swirl, they rise up, when it’s calmness I need
My dark, inner child, lashes out when afraid
My wise, mature counsel, is drowned in my head
I can’t conquer myself…..I can’t conquer myself

In your face I suddenly saw
Your anger, explosive and raw
I was hurt by every word you said
You showed me a picture, Dorian Gray

He has lived all my life with me
He worries about my survival for me,
He’s an unruly, anxious child hidden away
He’s not understood, Dorian Gray

But he hijacks me as I travel
I fight, I lash out and watch all unravel
I wonder later as I’m hurt and I pay
Where did I go wrong, Dorian Gray

Ignorance is not bliss, it hurts and it wrecks
Knowledge and understanding are necessary steps
To conquering yourself, to the end of your days
He must be managed, Dorian Gray.