Thus I Wrote

I held your hand, as you grabbed mine
Our fearful hearts, ready to intertwine
And we rode a horse, fast and wild
We held on as the sun, rose and smiled

Sometimes the film, ain’t as good as the book
And long distance, just can’t beat a good look
Or the touch of your hand, as the trees fly by
Or the kiss on your neck, as you heave a sigh

Trust is still, a multilayered thing
As brick on brick, we patiently bring
We open to each other, tongues brush lips
We move in motion, the horse, our hips

There then came a time, of rain and storm
You face so worried, and your body so worn
We finally fell, with both or none to blame
Different lives now, our quest remains

There’s a fissure and a split,
In the armour that I’ve built,
That makes me so restless now.
In the recesses of my mind,
Where fear scurries blind,
And darkness rises somehow.

There’s a tightness in my gut,
Of time racing and things ending, but,
I’ve a longing for forbidden things.
I hear the inexorable journey’s hiss,
To the darkness of the abyss,
And the sound while the banshee sings.

To that which I had completed,
To that which I had defeated,
And that which I must rise above now.
The cacophony of rejection,
As loneliness and non-acceptance,
Irrelevance and uselessness row.

I wrestle in my dreams now,
A dark demon that stalks and howls,
Suddenly stripped of my armour’s power.
I’m suddenly falling from on high,
Fearing multiple goodbyes,
Before hellos have finished their hour.

And yet I’m brave so I must rise,
To look my fears in the eyes,
And because I’m blessed to be alive.
I will stand and fight,
For love and the right,
To hold someone’s hand and smile.

Babe,
There’s something tragic about you
Something so magic about you
There’s something lonesome about you
Something so wholesome about you

Babe,
There’s something wretched about this
Something so precious about this
There’s something broken about this
But I’m still hoping about this…

Edited excerpt from Eden by Hozier. Could not write better.
Image of the great Frida Kahlo – a beautiful and talented woman who added much to the world.

I don’t like being weighed
And measured
And judged
And found wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
I’m not right
I’m not good enough again

But equally I don’t like weighing
And measuring
And judging
And finding her wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
And her not feeling right
And her feeling not good enough again

In the middle of it all
A light
A warmth
I experienced on my way
She turned and said
In a bar somewhere
I get you
I understand all you feel and say

There…I’ve said it
And it is, what it is
In the past, I’ve hid too much
Now my heart’s on my sleeve

Too many barriers and longings
In the space between us both
I feel life’s too precious now
Not to go for the throat

All this stuff was swirling
All around my heart and head
I wanted to connect with you
Did I add another barrier instead?

Ah…but there’s a mystery
Deep in a woman’s heart
And words are unlikely to change
Our chemistry from the start

Now I’ve laid myself out
Before her as she walks
And flickering across her face
Is that her desire as she talks?

She chose the one she loved the most
And I who loved me the most
Her love it banished my fears
And we grew and unfurled
Hand in hand to serve the world
Together throughout the years

I never knew the power she gave
The joy or sadness I gave
By what my face would say
Like not giving all my attention
When she wanted to mention
All the little things in her day

I watched a woman to the end
As she talked to her friend
With such concentrated attention
It was a masterclass
In the beautiful art
Of the active listening dimension

I see them in coffee shops
Laughing on the street
Often now in leisure sports gear
They are grounded
They are confident and sure
They make me smile when they are near

And we are but warrior ghosts
Floating above the ground
Looking for a port in a stormy sea
Are we in crisis?
Are we lost?
Because we’re so alone and free

There is so much energy
There is so much talent
Wasted on meaningless things
We need a new messiah
Who will bring focus to all
And who knows what the future will bring?

Sometimes I feel lonely
But my heart’s full of love
And I want to give so much more
I want to wrap my arms
Around all those who seek
And let them serve and grow once more

Today I’m putting
My armour back on
I’ve been in a battle
But I was dressed so wrong
I went in open
I went in kind
It’s been so long
It’d all left my mind

I got my sword now
I can keep’em at bay
I’ve been listening too much
Now I’m going to have my say
I’ve been wounded easily
I got some blood from the fight
I tried a few barks
Now I’ll try a few bites

My boundaries are too soft
I sent wrong signals out
I spoke in whispers
They just wanted to shout
They just pushed real hard
I allowed them in
But that’s not kindness
Letting them win

I will be assertive
I don’t need no aggression
I don’t need no sly jokes
Or any condescension
I will respect those
Who will respect me
But I will cut those
Who try to cut me

I’ve read signals wrong
I assumed too much subtlety
But now if it’s not clear
It will just miss me
When they want something
Then they must clearly ask
Cos reading signals wrong
Is too simple a task

I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve
My gut is all wrenched up
I’m feeling all emotional
I just gotta toughen up

It ain’t what I need
It’s what I give will make the cut
I’ll stop leaking emotionally
I just gotta toughen up

I got some rejection
And that’s now stirring me up
It’s giving me some focus
I just gotta toughen up

Did I force the situation
Ask them drink too early from the cup?
I was not killed so I’ll be stronger
I just gotta toughen up

I’m brave enough to try
To keep on going when I’m beat up
I’m wounded but I’m still learning
I just gotta toughen up

Life is rejection
I’m not alone in feeling messed up
Life is trying
I just gotta toughen up

I can see the fire burning
But the warmth’s buried behind
It’s buried deep inside her house
Deep inside her mind
I’ve knocked gently on the door
But she won’t let me in
She doesn’t feel safe
She has rituals that begin
She’s a butterfly
Afraid of being hurt
I see the flicker in her eyes…
In the corner of her mouth…

There’s a memory of intimacy
In my heart and head
Years of laughing and trust
Once vibrant now dead
We gave of ourselves
Truly, deeply, madly
I ache for that love
I ache for that so badly
But I can’t short-circuit
Or jump-start that birth here
Even as my emotional muscle memory
Slams into gear
Cos I want it all now
CosI feel it all near

I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

Some don’t have this need
Themselves to open up
To feel what they feel
Or to ache for a woman’s love
I want her joy
I want her heart,body and soul
I want to kiss her gently
I want to see her grow

Of course I worry sometimes
That I’ve got some fault inside
Am I emotionally healthy?
Or am I wounded, raw and wide?
Do I attract vulnerability?
That hides such a strong will?
First, there’s love and then there’s passion?
But then, wounds that grow and kill?

Oh I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

I want a gourmet meal
And not some fast food joint
I don’t need some transaction
I just don’t see the point