Thus I Wrote

I had a choice when I raised my voice
I forgot I loved you
I was in my head, Too aloof you said
I forgot I loved you

You couldn’t predict, the actions I picked
You thought I didn’t love you
We disagreed, we wouldn’t concede
You thought I didn’t love you

In the mirror I see, a change in me
Dorian Gray
In the dark I chase, the love I misplaced
Dorian Gray

I was not true, I was hidden from view
I forgot I loved you
I kept my options open, but your trust was broken
I forgot I loved you

You thought the worst, that you didn’t come first
You thought I didn’t love you
You read the signs, I didn’t know were mine
You thought I didn’t love you

In the mirror I see, a change in me
Dorian Gray
In the dark I chase, the love I misplaced
Dorian Gray

I didn’t smile, for too long a while
I forgot I loved you
I didn’t tell you all, so you built a wall’
I forgot I loved you

You cry and begin, to count all my sins
You thought I didn’t love you
You cast the last stone, you want me to atone
You thought I didn’t love you

You crossed the line, you took what was mine
I thought you didn’t love me
Your words cut deep, you said its what I reap
I thought you didn’t love me

In the mirror I see, a change in me
Dorian Gray
In the dark I chase, the love I misplaced
Dorian Gray

You were my first love
I didn’t know it then
I was a bundle of energy
And uncertainty when,
I kissed your face
And I wanted too much
Distracted by others
That I needed to touch.

You’re in my thoughts
I always compare
I always wonder
If I had you there
But I was uncertain
I had too much fear
That left me blind
And let no one near.

You married a man
Who gave up his life
To adore and cherish you
His life, was his wife
I could not give so
Too selfish, I guess
My tunnel vision
In your eyes made me less.

I’m a bit of a loner
Only giving so much
I don’t want to be alone
But accept it as such.
I love in my way
But am drawn to understand
The futility of why?
These cards in my hand?

I find few truths
But love is one, clear
That which we give
And those we hold dear
I’ve studied my fears
Helped by wise men
And now is there time?
For me to love again?

You are my boundary
You are my quest
You are my reason
To be my best
I compete with you
And cooperate too
But I know I’m nothing…
Nothing without you

You are the air
That I breathe in
You are the water
Caressing my skin
I know that loving you
Is all I find true
But I know I’m nothing…
Nothing without you

You are the fire
That keeps me warm
You are the earth
My protection from harm
I know your leaving me
Will be so hard to do
I know I am nothing…
Nothing without you

I remember my father as he lay there waiting
In his bed of white and gold
He held my hand and he looked in my eyes
He said ” Now, it’s my time to go”
He said “I’ve worked all of my life to give to you
And now I can’t give any more
So take your place and make your own space
Remember my love while you’re in the race
And give yourself… Give yourself to the world”

I watched my mother as she laughed through a story
Of her childhood long ago
She held my hand and she looked in my eyes
She said “I want you to know”
She said “I’ve spent all of my life in loving you
And I could not have loved any more
So take your place and make your own space
Remember my love while you’re in the race
And give yourself… Give yourself to the world”

I sat with my family for a Christmas or birthday
That mark the passing of our days
We joke and we laugh and we enjoy the moment
And later I reflect but don’t say
That we don’t know tomorrow, but we’re on the same journey
And this is how we hold hands on the way
So we take our place and we make our own space
We love each other while we’re in the race
And we give ourselves….We give ourselves to the world.

Can we fix this?
Or is it too late?
Is your heart too wounded
Behind your locked gate?
I try in my way
To open my heart to you
Will you do unto me
As you would have me do unto you?

I have walked in your shoes
To study your fears
I’ve learned from wise men
And my mistakes down the years
To sing together
I’ve often played to your tune
Will you do unto me
As you would have me do unto you?

I have many colours
Not just black or white
Sometimes I’ve strayed into the dark
But I strive for the light
I will forgive you
A mistake or two
Will you do unto me
As you would have me do unto you?

The early seeds sown
So shaped our hearts
In that tangle grown
So shaped our start
I would not ask you
For more than you could do
Will you do unto me
As you would have me do unto you?

I hope you find peace
And a haven from strife
I offer you my love
To light up your life
I offer you grace
And to always be true
Will you do unto me
As you would have me do unto you?

I’m in the eye of the storm
I’m in the deadening calm
I see tomorrow’s form
I hear tomorrow’s psalm
I find I am now apart
I have no hand to hold
I’m a self aware art
A wonder to behold

In the stillness I forgive
The futility of why
The loneliness of live
The inevitability of die
I’m a drop in the ocean blue
I’m a leaf in the forest green
I miss the God I knew
I miss the love I’ve seen

I search for a reason
My soul to drive
Without hunger’s treason
I’m not fully alive
I stand on the shoulders
Of those gone before
I’m a baton holder
From past to future’s door

I bow to the collective
The secular unseen hand
The arbiter of my perspective
The creator of my commands
The connector of those giving
To those who are needing
The cutter from the living
In one cut or slowly bleeding

I was a sandman
In my desert home
I was a searching man
For a direction I roamed
I consider the lilies
As they wave in the field
They bravely ignore Achilles
They bravely trust and yield

Do you want to fix this?
Or is it too late?
Is your heart too wounded
Behind your locked gate?
These words are a key
To open my heart to you
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I walked in your shoes
To understand your fears
I learned from mistakes
That I made down the years
To sing together
We must choose the same tune
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I will support you
And always be there
Be patient, be loyal
I’ll cherish and share
I’ll stop and listen
And have fun with you
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I’ll create peace
And protect you from strife
I’ll give you love
To light up your life
I will forgive you
For a mistake or two
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I’ll make you feel valued
For all that you do
And not demand more
Than you feel able to do
I’ll help you grow
And help you push through
Will you do unto me
What you would have me do unto you?

I loved your beauty
I loved your smile
I loved your heart
I loved your style
But you have a well
That needs filling up
I guess my heart
Just wasn’t big enough

I loved your humour
I loved your spirit
I loved your cooking
And the love you put in it
But you have a well
That needs filling up
I guess my heart
Just wasn’t big enough

I loved the events
That you loved to put on
I loved your good nature
And courage you call on
But you have a well
That needs filling up
I guess my heart
Just wasn’t big enough

Well, I depend
On you, my friend
Many times, we’ve stayed up drinking
Many times, we’ve shared our thoughts
But do you really know me
Do you know the thoughts I’ve got

Do you know I have a love
For everyone I know
I have a lust for life
To live and not let go
But sometimes I feel alone
Something rises up inside
It eats at my heart
And it darkens my mind

A dark demon
Stalks my dreams
(A dark demon
Stalks my dreams)
I need a love
To save me
From this dark demon…

Come, now take my hand
Together let’s make a stand
I’ll be your port
In the storm
When it’s cold
I’ll keep you warm
I hope we find peace
And love lights up our lives
And shines forever
Our saviour inside

(From…)This dark demon
Stalking our dreams
(This dark demon
Stalking our dreams)
We need a love
To save us
From this dark demon…

This is based on an earlier poem I wrote of the same name but more recently inspired by the song “I See a Darkness” by Will Oldham. The Johnny Cash cover version especially. I like the metaphor of the dark demon and of love casting out the demons as Christ did in the bible. He used love to banish fear. I have no particular allegiance to religion but the stories form a powerful backdrop to our culture and resonate with me. I see them as useful and powerful metaphors.

I see ghosts of late
From scenes I’ve played
The haunting of familiar faces
In familiar places

I see ghosts of late
In the well of my emotional state
The pricking of past emotion
The lessons of past devotion

I see ghosts of late
From loving relationships I’ve made
From mother and father
From sons and daughters
From wives and lovers
From sisters and brothers
From the friends who stayed
Among the ghosts I see of late

I see ghosts of late
Whispering of changes to date
The waves that rise and fall
The victories big and small
The turning of the earth
The renewal of life and death
All that shapes my fate
In the ghosts I see of late

I see ghosts of late
Part of the man I’ve made
They don’t go they wait
With me till that silent gate….