Thus I Wrote

I raised my voice, when I should have not
I looked at you, while thinking wrong thoughts
I drank too much, and disguised by mirth
Said careless words, and you, got hurt

After we argue, I often shut you out
I waited to calm down, I wouldn’t trust my mouth
I made a silence & I wouldn’t let it go
I made you lonely, and I wish, it wasn’t so.

I spend too much time, living inside my head
It makes me negative, and aloof, you said
I need more heart, and I need more fun
I feed the elephant, when I, should make it run

My emotions they are dark, too dark to read
They swirl, they rise up, when it’s calmness I need
They lash out when things don’t go my way
My wise counsel, is drowned, inside my head.

I’ve seen a love, as warm as the sun
It touched the heart and the soul of everyone
A graceful self that was clear to its shine
An inspiration, I keep always, in my mind

I know I’m blind so I can’t see
That I’m a prisoner so I’m not free
I know a change now must surely come
That if I conquer, myself, I will be done

The sun shines down
On the road you choose
As you bounce along
In your high heeled shoes

Would you value my compliment?
On your look or style?
Would you feel a thrill?
As you return my smile?

You make me feel alive
You make me feel something good
And I can feel my heart beating
I can feel it pumping blood

You live in the moment
You know your needs
You wield your beauty
As you surf with ease

What can I give you?
Have I what you desire?
Can I make you happy?
For more than a while?

You make me feel alive
You make me feel something good
And I can feel my heart beating
I can feel it pumping blood

I thought of you today
And what you used to say
Oh…how your words cut deep
About what I’ve sowed and what I’ll reap
But I will hide the signs
Below the Waterline

What is yours and what is mine?
I’ve tried to walk the right line
Between losing myself
And winning your acceptance
As angels and demons whine
Below the Waterline

What is true and what is real
Beyond what I think and what I feel?
I’ve learned to give and to take
To love and to create
And along the way I’ve saved all I find
Below the Waterline

I don’t let many people in
To share my thoughts herein
And I still can’t understand
The feelings I can’t command
And the dark chains that bind
Below the Waterline

I remember my priest tell
Of heaven and of hell
But since then I’ve lost my belief
With some regret and with some grief
It still echoes through the chambers of my mind
Below the Waterline

What is true and what is real
Beyond what I think and what I feel?
I’ve learned to give and to take
To love and to create
And along the way I’ve lived by what I find
Below the Waterline

You were my first love
I didn’t know it then
I was a bundle of energy
And uncertainty when,
I kissed your face
And I wanted too much
Distracted by others
That I needed to touch.

You’re in my thoughts
I always compare
I always wonder
If I had you there
But I was uncertain
I had too much fear
That left me blind
And let no one near.

You married a man
Who gave up his life
To adore and cherish you
His life, was his wife
I could not give so
Too selfish, I guess
My tunnel vision
In your eyes made me less.

I’m a bit of a loner
Only giving so much
I don’t want to be alone
But accept it as such.
I love in my way
But am drawn to understand
The futility of why?
These cards in my hand?

I find few truths
But love is one, clear
That which we give
And those we hold dear
I’ve studied my fears
Helped by wise men
And now is there time?
For me to love again?

I saw my father
In the mirror today
I said yesterday
What he might say
And I wore a black hat
To hide my grey hair
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

It is what it is
But what does it mean?
I’m an ignorant part
Of a greater machine
I can see the end coming
I’ll try not to stare
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

We’re in this together
So I’m not unique
It’s not an advantage
Or a favour I seek
We’re all alone
When our lives laid bare
We run too fast
From a life not fair.

I held someone’s hand
And made somebody smile
I forgot where I was going
At least for a while
Its good to be needed
And have someone to care
As we run too fast
From a life not fair.

You are my boundary
You are my quest
You are my reason
To be my best
I compete with you
And cooperate too
But I know I’m nothing…
Nothing without you

You are the air
That I breathe in
You are the water
Caressing my skin
I know that loving you
Is all I find true
But I know I’m nothing…
Nothing without you

You are the fire
That keeps me warm
You are the earth
My protection from harm
I know your leaving me
Will be so hard to do
I know I am nothing…
Nothing without you

I told a joke
And it was misunderstood
I did not play the social games
As well as many others could
I worried about the future
I weighed all in my head
I left much undone
I left much unsaid

I pushed the world
And the world it punched back
It cycled and it swirled
It changed from white to black
I bow to the collective
To the secular unseen hand
To the arbiter of what’s effective
Of who falls and who stands

I asked why
But alone no answer came
So I studied some wise men
But the answer was still the same
I’m a drop in the ocean blue
I’m a leaf in the forest green
I miss the God I knew
I miss the love I’ve seen

How did we find
Ourselves on different sides?
What started as a join
Is now a chasm wide
I wish that I could hold you
Like when our love was new
But our demands they were too many
And our gifts they were too few

I drew an eight
When I needed a Jack
You gotta play the hand you’re dealt
Cos there’s no use looking back
I love to play
And I’ll never fold
I’ll play a better way
With the cards I hold

Well, I depend
On you, my friend
Many times, we’ve stayed up drinking
Many times, we’ve shared our thoughts
But do you really know me
Do you know the thoughts I’ve got

Do you know I have a love
For everyone I know
I have a lust for life
To live and not let go
But sometimes I feel alone
Something rises up inside
It eats at my heart
And it darkens my mind

A dark demon
Stalks my dreams
(A dark demon
Stalks my dreams)
I need a love
To save me
From this dark demon…

Come, now take my hand
Together let’s make a stand
I’ll be your port
In the storm
When it’s cold
I’ll keep you warm
I hope we find peace
And love lights up our lives
And shines forever
Our saviour inside

(From…)This dark demon
Stalking our dreams
(This dark demon
Stalking our dreams)
We need a love
To save us
From this dark demon…

This is based on an earlier poem I wrote of the same name but more recently inspired by the song “I See a Darkness” by Will Oldham. The Johnny Cash cover version especially. I like the metaphor of the dark demon and of love casting out the demons as Christ did in the bible. He used love to banish fear. I have no particular allegiance to religion but the stories form a powerful backdrop to our culture and resonate with me. I see them as useful and powerful metaphors.

I’m in the cage
The cage of age
The signals I see
Are not for me
The flesh still willing
But no function fulfilling
While she flirts and pouts
She leaves nothing to doubt

Her body states
I can procreate
She dresses to show
How her body flows
With subliminal power
To strike in her hour
She flirts and pouts
She leaves nothing to doubt

So much imagery
In a democracy
To grab attention and sell
To cast a spell
It’s nature’s power
The sweet hiding sour
She flirts and pouts
She leaves nothing to doubt

So much energy
In a democracy
Wasted in control
Protecting the whole
When past the junction
When form shows declining function
She still flirts and pouts
She leaves nothing to doubt

I see ghosts of late
From scenes I’ve played
The haunting of familiar faces
In familiar places

I see ghosts of late
In the well of my emotional state
The pricking of past emotion
The lessons of past devotion

I see ghosts of late
From loving relationships I’ve made
From mother and father
From sons and daughters
From wives and lovers
From sisters and brothers
From the friends who stayed
Among the ghosts I see of late

I see ghosts of late
Whispering of changes to date
The waves that rise and fall
The victories big and small
The turning of the earth
The renewal of life and death
All that shapes my fate
In the ghosts I see of late

I see ghosts of late
Part of the man I’ve made
They don’t go they wait
With me till that silent gate….