Thus I Wrote

We argued last night
We tore more things apart
We found more anger
We found fear and pain in our hearts
And our shared reality
Is now a fractured one
We cannot communicate
Now understanding’s all gone

The leaves blow in the wind
I can see them fly
And Winter is coming
I can see it in the sky
We hide in entertainment
In provocation and distraction
To avoid what’s coming
We huddle in factions

Something’s fractured,
Spinning out of control
In the future we planned
In the narratives we told.
In the winds of change
I’m still holding on
And I still have dreams

There’s a darkness
Hidden deep in us all
Maybe we won’t recognise
Those who make the call
Those who summon it to rise
Like a hungry dog to feed
Those who hide in the shadows
So they won’t bleed

Something’s fractured,
Spinning out of control
In the future we planned
In the narratives we told.
In the winds of change
I’m still holding on
And I still have dreams

Fake enemies are blamed
In a circus of simple lies
To hide a complex world
That doesn’t fit our size
Fake Gods are raised
And fake futures are portrayed
Sold by fake prophets
Demanding “blind faith”.

On the ocean I’m free
But I’m also alone
And so I trade some freedom
To build flesh on bare bone
And in agreeing to build
And in agreeing to share
We must walk a fine line
Not to lose ourselves out there

We call out, we call out
But the answer comes back empty
And so I turn to you
And you turn to me
I know you have your truth,
And I have mine
But it’s a shared truth
That’s what we must find

I don’t like being weighed
And measured
And judged
And found wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
I’m not right
I’m not good enough again

But equally I don’t like weighing
And measuring
And judging
And finding her wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
And her not feeling right
And her feeling not good enough again

In the middle of it all
A light
A warmth
I experienced on my way
She turned and said
In a bar somewhere
I get you
I understand all you feel and say

I see them in coffee shops
Laughing on the street
Often now in leisure sports gear
They are grounded
They are confident and sure
They make me smile when they are near

And we are but warrior ghosts
Floating above the ground
Looking for a port in a stormy sea
Are we in crisis?
Are we lost?
Because we’re so alone and free

There is so much energy
There is so much talent
Wasted on meaningless things
We need a new messiah
Who will bring focus to all
And who knows what the future will bring?

Sometimes I feel lonely
But my heart’s full of love
And I want to give so much more
I want to wrap my arms
Around all those who seek
And let them serve and grow once more

Today I’m putting
My armour back on
I’ve been in a battle
But I was dressed so wrong
I went in open
I went in kind
It’s been so long
It’d all left my mind

I got my sword now
I can keep’em at bay
I’ve been listening too much
Now I’m going to have my say
I’ve been wounded easily
I got some blood from the fight
I tried a few barks
Now I’ll try a few bites

My boundaries are too soft
I sent wrong signals out
I spoke in whispers
They just wanted to shout
They just pushed real hard
I allowed them in
But that’s not kindness
Letting them win

I will be assertive
I don’t need no aggression
I don’t need no sly jokes
Or any condescension
I will respect those
Who will respect me
But I will cut those
Who try to cut me

I’ve read signals wrong
I assumed too much subtlety
But now if it’s not clear
It will just miss me
When they want something
Then they must clearly ask
Cos reading signals wrong
Is too simple a task

I can see the fire burning
But the warmth’s buried behind
It’s buried deep inside her house
Deep inside her mind
I’ve knocked gently on the door
But she won’t let me in
She doesn’t feel safe
She has rituals that begin
She’s a butterfly
Afraid of being hurt
I see the flicker in her eyes…
In the corner of her mouth…

There’s a memory of intimacy
In my heart and head
Years of laughing and trust
Once vibrant now dead
We gave of ourselves
Truly, deeply, madly
I ache for that love
I ache for that so badly
But I can’t short-circuit
Or jump-start that birth here
Even as my emotional muscle memory
Slams into gear
Cos I want it all now
CosI feel it all near

I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

Some don’t have this need
Themselves to open up
To feel what they feel
Or to ache for a woman’s love
I want her joy
I want her heart,body and soul
I want to kiss her gently
I want to see her grow

Of course I worry sometimes
That I’ve got some fault inside
Am I emotionally healthy?
Or am I wounded, raw and wide?
Do I attract vulnerability?
That hides such a strong will?
First, there’s love and then there’s passion?
But then, wounds that grow and kill?

Oh I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

I want a gourmet meal
And not some fast food joint
I don’t need some transaction
I just don’t see the point

I asked why
She burned incense
In the room before she leaves?
She whispered quietly
“It will keep me safe, and rightly
This is what, I believe”

I asked why
He prayed to God
What did it build or achieve?
He whispered quietly
“It will keep me safe, and rightly
This is what, I believe”

Now I do not understand
All the rituals you plan
Or all that you perceive
But they whispered quietly
“It will keep us safe, and rightly
This is what, we believe”

I bow to the haze
Our limitations have made
This wisdom I now conceive
I will tread around lightly
How you feel safe, and rightly
This is what, I believe

This human condition
In which we live
In which we know
This absurd condition

We watch ourselves grow
Live, love and decay
We hear echoes of eternity
In a dark universe of stars
We wonder, we cry out
For a father or mother
A creator to give us meaning
Someone to make us feel less alone

We push our boundaries
We compete for our space
We seek some control
For the world to remember us here
And so the river runs
Ever onward
And so the current pushes us
Ever onward

Now I’m alone at night
In the darkness
I feel the earth turn
Beneath me
I’m fading, fading into silk
Black silk

I was born naked
Naked in a frightening world
A world without obvious meaning
A world insecure
A world with no direction
A world of swirling forms
A world of noise and uncertainty

And so I built a house
To make sense of the world
And it became my world
With pillars strong
And I found others
Who shared my world
And together we built a city
To protect us
To give us meaning
To protect us from storms

But one day a big storm came
That knocked a pillar of my house down
That rocked my world
That separated me from the others
That forced me to look at the truth
To look at the darkness beyond my house
To look at the darkness beyond my city
And I saw death
I saw no obvious meaning
I saw I was alone
I saw the terrifying responsibility
Of my freedom
I saw the terrifying responsibility
Of finding my own way

For a while I went mad
And I sought distraction
In drink, in sex, in recreation
But, over time, came acceptance
Over time,  I found my new niche
Over time, I found a way to compete and serve
Over time, I built a new house
In a new city
With bigger windows
Over time, I let more light in.

You were out on the street with me
Full of passionate conviction
You made me realise then
That I’d let the darkness in
That I’d let ignorant intensity
Punch me in the heart
I worried the centre couldn’t hold
I worried things were falling apart

We try to make the future
Through the limits of our own haze
And it becomes our faith
And we push it in our tribal ways
But it makes me feel lonely
And then I need to hear you call my name
As I ache for the things I love
In this grand game

And I feel so small
As I stare up at the stars
As I feel the sand shifting
Oh but I remember we’ve travelled, so far
And I really don’t mind losing
If  the reason is sound
If we don’t lose the wisdom we’ve found
As this grand game, cycles round

Now when everything is slipping
And the cold wind starts to blow
I remember that sometimes things fall apart
So better things may fall together and hold
Inequality shines through
Beneath the ignorance and the lies
But false promises won’t do you no good
In this grand game

And I feel so small
As I stare up at the stars
As I feel the sand shifting
Oh but I remember, we’ve travelled, so far
And I really don’t mind losing
If the reason is sound
If we don’t lose the wisdom we’ve found
In this grand game

Now it’s all fading away
We compete well as we must
But we’ve much more in common
Than that which divides us
There’s always room in the dark
As in between the changes we’re drifting
To the light of the moon
Your lovely face, I’m lifting

Image – Anselm Kiefer – The Renowned Orders of The Night – Guggenheim Bilbao.

Get out of the lane
You’re moving too slow
It’s my turn now
And you’ve nowhere to go

What can you offer me?
What can you give?
How can you serve me?
With no purpose to live?

You’re just a jigsaw piece
Lost and swirling in space
Get out of the lane
You’re in the wrong place