Thus I Wrote

I’m on an island
Disconnected
But I see us evolve
Through chaos & time

To changing perceptions
Of new truths
Of new values
Of a new effective

We compete
Upon foundations
Of our culture
Hidden & taken for granted

I fear a crack
In the foundations
Of our culture
Hidden & taken for granted

I was slowing down
I slept at wrong times
I forgot many things
I forgot my lines
And then I awoke
With you by my side
And a blinking blue light
…I’d nearly died

I remember being wet
They cut my pants off
I faded in and out
Many hours were lost
In my head was something
It was growing inside
My behaviour changed
…I’d nearly died

From friends and family
A love I didn’t expect
I ordered my affairs
For what might come next
I was glad to wake up
I shivered on the slide
I’d bled too much
…I’d nearly died

Then came steroids
Not much sleep at all
But very dark dreams
I passed out in a fall
The hospital staff
Helped as I tried
As I recovered slowly
…I’d nearly died

Too much to say
Too intense and raw
Over days and months
I struggled with it all
But you were there 
You held me when I cried
As you struggled to cope
Cos I’d nearly died

I feel insecure about many dark things
That I cannot understand or behold
I sense the wheel spin out of control
Things fall apart; the centre can’t hold;

I hold from slipping into darkness
I pray for security within the fold
But I feel the balance slipping
Things fall apart; the centre can’t hold

The falcon now looks lost
In the storm clouds and the cold
Will ignorant intensity trump conviction?
Things fall apart; the centre can’t hold

I think much of the future
I think much of fruits that are old
The wheel spins to screaming
Things fall apart; the centre can’t hold

For the needs of the many
The needs of the few are sold
Within blind evolution I seek control
Things fall apart; the centre can’t hold

But when everything is slipping
And in the storm I am wet and cold
I remember sometimes things fall apart
So better things may fall together and hold

It’s the deep midwinter
I’m walking in the snow
In the quiet, I hear the birds
I like their song as I go.
The pale sun tries
To shine on me, here below
I’ve given up asking
Cos I just don’t know

I’m going to paint my house
In all the bright colours I find
I’m ready to have faith in hope
And leave my past behind

I ran in the wind
I could see a faint glow
My hair was wet
I ran as fast as I could go
I’ve knelt in the desert
As many did before
But I’ve given up asking
Cos I just don’t know

I’m going to paint my house
In all the bright colours I find
I’m ready to have faith in hope
And leave my past behind

The sea called to me
It whispered for me to go
I was on the waves
And against the tide I did row
Then I let the oars float
Now I’m going with the flow
And I’ve given up asking
Cos I just don’t know

I’m going to paint my house
In all the bright colours I find
I’m ready to have faith in hope
And leave my past behind

I can’t talk to you now, it hurts too much.
We’ve tried to talk together about basic stuff
But we get lost down some dark maze
Of misunderstandings and hurtful ways.
Instead of your beauty and your grace
I see the dormant anger in your face.

I’ve no blame left for you over this deep cut
But I feel pain and have guilt deep in my gut
Yes and I’ve despair over all that’s died
‘Cos once we were cool, side by side

Christmas was harder in this Winter rain
As memories washed over me again
I was numb ’til now but then something restarted
I finally told a friend that we had parted
It was a punch to the heart as it all rose up again
A complex mixture of sorrow and of shame
Oh I hope this year that we’ll restart our lives
I think I’m ready but demons may still arise.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
I can still be loud when I should say things discreetly
I’ve tried to change but I say things carelessly
I’ve been swimming against a current ceaselessly

Someday we’ll meet and talk of old times
And you’ll enjoy your time and I’ll enjoy mine
But now in your heart there’s still a bend
And that’ll take some time for you to mend

I hate how my wrong word you didn’t need
Somehow killed off my history of good deeds
How you drew lines where I felt I could only lose
With loved ones on different sides and saying “now choose”
And how you felt betrayed when I tried to still
Our turbulent family waters with logic and will

Well I can be kind and I can do the right thing
Sometimes with you I was guilty of forgetting
You’re a good woman and you’ve  a good heart
Still you found all those things in me that kept us apart
And I don’t know why,  but it all went black
I wish I could change it and turn it all back
I haven’t forgotten you laughing in my arms
And I haven’t forgotten your beauty and your charms
But now I’ve bought new clothes to stir my blood
And I’ll paint in bright colours, it’s time I should.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
Life is messy and rarely happens neatly
But I’ll go forward fearlessly
And swim against the current ceaselessly

You told me earlier that night of your last few years
Maybe I didn’t understand, maybe I was a bit clumsy
I tried to understand your choices
As the music drowned our voices
But it didn’t really connect with me

But there was something that night, about how you danced
In your black, leather skirt
And I ain’t forgotten it yet
Cos it helped me forget
All the past and all the hurt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

Earlier that night you touched my hair
I think in just in a casual way
But it felt like tenderness
And it felt like kindness
Or was I reading it the wrong way?

Oh…you’re a force of nature
An ocean of emotion, of love and of heart
You pull at me with your fun
But you’re not free to be won
And that alone must keep us apart

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
And we didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

I’m moving on now, maybe we’ll meet again
Maybe you’ll be the spark of my revolution?
With your beauty and heart
Will you play a part
In my new year plans and my resolutions?

But I wish I’d taken a photo of you dancing that night
In your black, leather skirt
With your hair thrown back
As you moved to the music’s attack
In your black boots and black tee shirt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
We didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

I met a beautiful woman
Unexpected that night
And the universe clicked
Because something felt right

We had only a moment
But I felt something stir
I offered myself tentatively
I offered myself to her

Oh..Sometimes we reach out
And touch another’s soul
In ways that go deeper
Than ever we know

She was a gift
Offering hope it seems
A light in the distance
A glimpse of a dream

I made her feel special
For a moment in time
She opened my heart again
…..I think I’ll be fine

The world’s now betrayed me,
That hope-myth collage
My dreams have escaped me
Like a shimmering mirage.

Now what should I do
When all my world’s false?
When I’ve lost all my ideals
And all that I was taught

I find the purest line
That I can follow true
And I create bright new principles
New dreams and new values

I look for authenticity
And I take emotional risks
I build my own true code
And I create my own true mix

I now reject your past
It’s not effective any more
I now reject your rules
For my own path to explore

I find my own private self
Beyond your old moralities
Beyond your values and beliefs
Built on authentic practicalities

* Inspired by Ernest Hemingway’s – “The Sun Also Rises”.

I’m certainly glad to see you,
You look so graceful and elegant,
In your lilac, silk dress.
I see you have a golden aura,
I hear your voice is full of money,
Among the tea, cake and flowers..yes
And the white drapes they rose,
On the wind from the sea.
I was lost in their billowing,
And their seductive revelry.
You’re my light in the distance,
You’re my hope and you’re my goal.
You’re my light in the distance,
I feel you pull at my soul.

And the band began to play,
As they cleared the tables away,
For the glittering young things.
They laughed and they danced,
In their sparkling dresses,
And their sparkling diamond rings.
But we left in secret,
To a secret garden tree.
And under the twinkling lights,
I kissed you and you kissed me.
You’re my light in the distance,
You’re my hope and you’re my goal.
You’re my light in the distance,
I feel you pull at my soul.

My hope and my wonder,
Drove me all my life
On a ride wild and fast.
But I was swimming against a current,
That was bearing me ceaselessly,
Back into my past.
And one by one my lights went out,
I was broken up like glass.
Upon the hard, cold malice,
Of your cruel and careless class.
You’re my light in the distance,
But I was drowned in your entourage.
You’re my light in the distance,
But you were a shimmering mirage.

I do not have elegance
Or sophisticated taste
I do not have subtlety
Or socially expected grace

I’m certainly glad to see you
In your silk lilac dress
Among the tea, cake and flowers
Oh, what does your look confess?

You are my light in the distance
My hope and my goal
The flesh of all my dreams
And I offer you my soul

And the cotton drapes blew
In the wind from the sea
I was lost in their billowing
And seduced by their revelry

I have a brave heart
And I am kind
I have hope and wonder
And my loyalty is blind

Later the band it played
For all the glittering young things
Who laughed, danced and waved
All their diamonds and rings

But we left in secret
To a secret garden tree
And under the twinkling lights
I kissed you and you kissed me

I was optimistic & full of hope
To achieve my dream at last
But I swam against the current,
Bearing me ceaselessly into the past

And one by one my lights went out
I was broken up like glass
Upon the hard malice
Of a cruel and careless class