Thus I Wrote

This human condition
In which we live
In which we know
This absurd condition

We watch ourselves grow
Live, love and decay
We hear echoes of eternity
In a dark universe of stars
We wonder, we cry out
For a father or mother
A creator to give us meaning
Someone to make us feel less alone

We push our boundaries
We compete for our space
We seek some control
For the world to remember us here
And so the river runs
Ever onward
And so the current pushes us
Ever onward

Now I’m alone at night
In the darkness
I feel the earth turn
Beneath me
I’m fading, fading into silk
Black silk

Alas, we’re now long gone
From the warmth, of flesh, and of bone
From a world, that’s forgotten, us
We lie together, here, in stone

We have loved, and we’ve shared our lives
Through laugher and tears, we were never, alone
We have served, the world, together well
And now we’re together, here, in stone

But this hard scene, is not for us
Because we, cannot love, anymore
We hope it brings comfort, to you, still living
To see us together, here, in stone

Don’t worry so much, while you’re still alive
You’ve so much more, than a great King, who’s long gone
The memories of his victories, are now, all worn away
Like our faces, here, in stone

So now hold, your loved ones close
Flesh to flesh, and bone, to bone
Enjoy your life, in every hour, of every day
Until you join us, here, in stone

Dare I eat a peach?
Dare I cut my hair?
Shall I buy a new suit?
Something fashionable to wear?

Shall I dance again?
Those musical steps
But shall I learn to tango?
Now more structure is best

Shall I travel again
To see new lands?
With whom shall I talk ?
With whom shall I plan?

I walk on the beach
With the tide coming in
I see the white waves
With the surfers jumping

Like a sirens song
Do they call to me?
To run and join them
With seaweed in the sea?

I’m not afraid of death
I’ve heard the siren song
Of distraction and deception
And indiffererence for so long

I’m not afraid of death
I’ve spat in its eye
I counted out the bullets
But I did not cry

I’m not afraid of death
I’ve spat in its eye
I pulled the trigger
But I did not die

I’m not afraid of death
I will not know
The earth will stay
But I will go

I’m not afraid of death
I know not the hour
I tense and I flinch
Under its dark power

I’m not afraid of death
The spectre of decay
Losing independence
And the strength to share

I’m not afraid of death
The pull of that dark abyss
Will it be slow?
Or sudden and swift?

I’m not afraid of death
My turn in the sun
The end is not my will
But an unknown will be done

I’m not afraid of death
I’ve spat in its eye
I counted out the bullets
But I did not cry

I’m not afraid of death
I’ve spat in its eye
I pulled the trigger
But I did not die

I spent most of my life in denial
I just lived in the moment while
Every minute of every day
I just lived and squeezed and made it pay
Because just like a red rose
I was built for a purpose

But often I rage and fight
Against the dying of the light
When I raise my eyes
When I look and realise
That beyond our sight
Is the darkness of the night

I have looked again and again
For someone with power to bargain
Someone to answer why
We live and why we die
But no-one heard my tune
I was howling at the moon

Sometimes I’m depressed and sad
When I think my future’s bad
When I feel that I’m alone
With nothing to offer anyone
But I won’t drink to forget
Or brush it under the carpet

Because it is a natural process
From which we can’t digress
And the final part is to accept
That nobody can escape death
So burn each day more bright
Until the dying of the light

Let us go then you and I
With the evening spread out against the sky
Let us go, through the certain half deserted streets
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster shells
Oh do not ask “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo

There will be time, there will be time
Beyond the fog that slides along the street
To prepare a face for the faces that we meet
Time for you and time for me
Before the taking of toast and tea
For a hundred indecisions
For a hundred visions and revisions

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo

Time to wonder:”Do I dare?” and “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair
Do I dare, disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Because I have known them already, known them all
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons
Heard their voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas

Would it have been worth it, after all
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me
Would it have been worth while?
To have bitten off the matter with a smile
To say: ” I am Lazarus, come from the dead”
If one, settling a pillow by her head
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all,
That is not it at all.”

I grow old…I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us and we drown.

Well, you’re my friend…
And can you see…
But do you…do you know me
Do you know the thoughts I’ve got.
Do you know I have a love
For everyone I know
And I have a lust for life
I want to to live and not let go
But there are times I feel alone
And something rises up inside
It eats at my heart
And it darkens my mind

And then a dark demon
Stalks my dreams
And then a dark demon
Stalks my dreams
I need a love
To save me
From this dark demon…

Well come, now take my hand
And together let’s make a stand
I’ll be your port
In the storm
And when it’s cold
You’ll keep you warm
I hope we find peace
And love lights up our lives
And shines forever
Our saviour inside

From this dark demon
That stalks our dreams
From this dark demon
That stalks our dreams
We need a love
To save us
From this dark demon…

This is based on an earlier poem I wrote of the same name but more recently inspired by the song “I See a Darkness” by Will Oldham…the Johnny Cash cover version especially. I like the metaphor of the dark demon and of love casting out the demons as Christ did in the bible. He used love to banish fear. I have no particular allegiance to religion but the stories form a powerful backdrop to our culture and resonate with me. I see them as useful and powerful metaphors.

I saw my father
In the mirror today
And I said yesterday
What he might say
I wear a black hat
To hide my grey hair
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

It is what it is
But what does it mean?
I’m an ignorant part
Of a greater machine
I can see the end coming
I’ll try not to stare
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

I held someone’s hand
And I made someone smile
I forgot where I was going
At least for a while
It’s good to feel needed
To have someone who cares
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

We’re in this together
So I’m not unique
It’s not a favour
Or an advantage I seek
I know we’re all alone
If we have nothing to share
As we run too fast
From a life not fair

But we are so blessed
To be here alive
Somehow chosen
From that great formless void
Free to choose our purpose
Without fear if we dare
As we run too fast
From a life not fair

I held someone’s hand
And I made someone smile
I forgot where I was going
At least for a while
It’s good to feel needed
To have someone who cares
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

I saw my father
In the mirror today
I said yesterday
What he might say
And I wore a black hat
To hide my grey hair
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

It is what it is
But what does it mean?
I’m an ignorant part
Of a greater machine
I can see the end coming
I’ll try not to stare
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

We’re in this together
So I’m not unique
It’s not an advantage
Or a favour I seek
We’re all alone
When our lives laid bare
We run too fast
From a life not fair.

I held someone’s hand
And made somebody smile
I forgot where I was going
At least for a while
Its good to be needed
And have someone to care
As we run too fast
From a life not fair.

You are my boundary
You are my quest
You are my reason
To be my best
I compete with you
And cooperate too
But I know I’m nothing…
Nothing without you

You are the air
That I breathe in
You are the water
Caressing my skin
I know that loving you
Is all I find true
But I know I’m nothing…
Nothing without you

You are the fire
That keeps me warm
You are the earth
My protection from harm
I know your leaving me
Will be so hard to do
I know I am nothing…
Nothing without you