Thus I Wrote

I awoke and I rose above
The detritus of the night
Half-remembered dreams
In the anxious half-light
I heard silent whispers
In the candlelight as they fed
And I saw the forgotten many
In the mansions of the dead

I watched her as she talked
And I saw her emotions flicker
I thought and I wondered why?
Do her angels and demons bicker?
I saw a cloud of sadness float by
I wondered what does it teach?
What hand is on her shoulder?
And from where does it reach?

In the night I feel her
Breathing love and affection
And her legs they wrap around mine
Is she seeking my protection
My prayers are like incense
They rise quietly above her head
As she searches for the answers
In the mansions of the dead

When you parted from me
I felt uneasy
Incomprehensibly
I felt uneasy

We’d connected tentatively
Then more deeply
All too briefly
More deeply

We rode wildly,
We fell differently
You and me
Differently

Have you taken from me?
All you needed from me?
Unquestionably
All you needed from me?

What do you think when you see?
Your memories?
Playing timelessly?
In your memories?

We’re moving on freely,
Moving on differently
You and me
Differently

Since you parted from me,
I’ve felt uneasy
Instinctively
I’ve felt uneasy

Driving through a blizzard of snow
A blizzard of snow
To black clouds I go

Berlin appears a bit austere
A bit austere
But then you appear

I saw the scars of wars
The scars of wars
The scars…

Saw man’s evil laid on the ground
Laid on the ground
Dark memories all around

And God’s inspired beauty nearby
God’s beauty nearby
Candle smoke rose high

I saw the scars of wars
The scars of wars
The scars…

I’ve no words left
After how we parted
I’m alone at sea
Trust’s now re-started

What now of my needs?
What now of yours?
The contract’s broken
Back knocking on doors

“Lovely, lovely memories”
Yes…you’re so right
They shine so bright
In this cold turkey night

Of course it’s my shit
I know it’s mine to manage
In this cold empty silence
I will limit the damage

We lived wild for a time
We trusted each other
In a brief oasis of time
We enjoyed each other

Alexanderplatz in the snow
Berlin Cathedral on show
Grey sky, Blue stars appear

Near Frankfurter Tor
Something began to stir
We drank beers and examined our years

I lost myself…I lost myself

We give so much
Now what’s left of us?
As we fit in and survive we said

Later we stared at that dome
And talked of our homes
And how our past pulls and things fade

I lost myself…I lost myself

I lit two candles for Lana,
There, in snowy Berlin,
My prayers mingled with the smoke,
That rose in the quiet space therein.

I get impatient,
Trying to connect true,
When games get in the way,
Of what is beautiful in you.
I wanted you to be real,
I don’t like false layers,
But I know I asked too much,
So my patience was my prayer.

Lana, I think you’re unhappy
You know how to survive,
How to protect yourself,
And to economically thrive.
But love is much misunderstood,
Have you ever known real love?
One that nurtures and grows,
Signified by that dove?
You were an intelligent, sensitive child,
Lost in a big boisterous family,
In a rough, striving environment,
Who listened to you intently?
Did you grow too hard a shell?
To protect yourself in there?
I wonder at your loneliness
So your happiness was my prayer.

I’m not that ruthless
I’m not as decisive as you
I knew if I jumped
That it could really hurt you
And I was trying to take stock
I was trying to understand
I was trying to hold on
I was trying to hold your hand
I was trying to stay on
As we were thrown about
I was honest, I could’ve lied
In my confusion and my doubt

I’m not that cool
I’ll say I’ve been hurt by you
I know that I miss you
I know that I want to see you
But there were too many questions
I could feel you slipping
And then we were falling
We could hear things ripping
I gave all I could
I really cared about you
But I knew that this could end
With only hurt to hold on to

I‘m not that confident
I can’t say it will be fine
No, I need to see much further
Right on down the line
I don’t close my eyes and jump
No, I look before I leap
And maybe he who hesitates is lost
But we gotta choose how we sow and reap
This is another defeat
But we have not lost
Let’s remember the dream
Let’s forget the cost

There was snow on the ground
Blue sky and sun all around
Was that the reason that my blood was so thin?
I drank from the cup
Before I tried to get up
Why did I feel so exhausted there in Berlin?

They smoked outside in the snow
Then into cool music they go
They could hide ‘cos the light was so dim
They kissed and caressed
They moaned and they pressed
There was a decadence there in Berlin

Now they gave, it seemed a lot
Fruit’s always juicy before the rot
I finished the song, Ruthless, to sing
The buildings were all big and clear
It was all a bit functional and austere
I’d a lot of mixed feelings, there,  in Berlin

Beneath the cathedral dome
In high renaissance, like Rome
The organ could let God hear us sing
Outside in the snow
Past blue stars I go
I found some peace and some beauty in Berlin

I dreamt of Lana del Rey
How I became her prey
Her vulnerability, hid her desire to win
But though I know about love
As signified by that dove
I shivered with the cold there in Berlin

I lit two candles to show
That love can grow
And that closed games are really such a sin
I offered up two prayers
A symbol of how much I care
Such warmth was needed in Berlin

We argued last night
We tore more things apart
We found more anger
We found fear and pain in our hearts
And our shared reality
Is now a fractured one
We cannot communicate
Now understanding’s all gone

The leaves blow in the wind
I can see them fly
And Winter is coming
I can see it in the sky
We hide in entertainment
In provocation and distraction
To avoid what’s coming
We huddle in factions

Something’s fractured,
Spinning out of control
In the future we planned
In the narratives we told.
In the winds of change
I’m still holding on
And I still have dreams

There’s a darkness
Hidden deep in us all
Maybe we won’t recognise
Those who make the call
Those who summon it to rise
Like a hungry dog to feed
Those who hide in the shadows
So they won’t bleed

Something’s fractured,
Spinning out of control
In the future we planned
In the narratives we told.
In the winds of change
I’m still holding on
And I still have dreams

Fake enemies are blamed
In a circus of simple lies
To hide a complex world
That doesn’t fit our size
Fake Gods are raised
And fake futures are portrayed
Sold by fake prophets
Demanding “blind faith”.

On the ocean I’m free
But I’m also alone
And so I trade some freedom
To build flesh on bare bone
And in agreeing to build
And in agreeing to share
We must walk a fine line
Not to lose ourselves out there

We call out, we call out
But the answer comes back empty
And so I turn to you
And you turn to me
I know you have your truth,
And I have mine
But it’s a shared truth
That’s what we must find