Thus I Wrote

I remember my father as he lay there waiting
In his bed of white and gold
He held my hand and he looked in my eyes
He said ” Now, it’s my time to go”
He said “I’ve worked all of my life to give to you
And now I can’t give any more
So take your place and make your own space
Remember my love while you’re in the race
And give yourself… Give yourself to the world”

I watched my mother as she laughed through a story
Of her childhood long ago
She held my hand and she looked in my eyes
She said “I want you to know”
She said “I’ve spent all of my life in loving you
And I could not have loved any more
So take your place and make your own space
Remember my love while you’re in the race
And give yourself… Give yourself to the world”

I sat with my family for a Christmas or birthday
That mark the passing of our days
We joke and we laugh and we enjoy the moment
And later I reflect but don’t say
That we don’t know tomorrow, but we’re on the same journey
And this is how we hold hands on the way
So we take our place and we make our own space
We love each other while we’re in the race
And we give ourselves….We give ourselves to the world.

I see ghosts of late
From scenes I’ve played
The haunting of familiar faces
In familiar places

I see ghosts of late
In the well of my emotional state
The pricking of past emotion
The lessons of past devotion

I see ghosts of late
From loving relationships I’ve made
From mother and father
From sons and daughters
From wives and lovers
From sisters and brothers
From the friends who stayed
Among the ghosts I see of late

I see ghosts of late
Whispering of changes to date
The waves that rise and fall
The victories big and small
The turning of the earth
The renewal of life and death
All that shapes my fate
In the ghosts I see of late

I see ghosts of late
Part of the man I’ve made
They don’t go they wait
With me till that silent gate….

I think about giving and taking
And that which I have forsaken
In the past I gave in hope
To fertilise a union needing growth
Today I find I’m in deficit
With my happiness a forfeit
I gave too much without a deal
And for too long did I kneel
Too much hope and too little vision
So now I have less after division
Maybe it would’ve been more brave to say no
Maybe it would’ve been better earlier to go
Maybe I should’ve never given a ring
But they say that hindsight’s a wonderful thing

I stayed and hoped for better days
Finding now the bitter parting ways
But I did raise a child fully grown
And I gave her family a loving home
Now all is lost under blame in time
And lonely scapegoat sorrow is mine
For long I could glimpse this fate
And I worked hard to avoid this date
But like gravity I fell from grace
Into this dark and loveless place
So now I process it all in rhyme
To help me heal and love in time

I see ghosts of late
Judging my fate
The haunting of familiar faces
In familiar places
The pricking of past emotion
The memories of past devotion

I see ghosts of late
(As I contemplate)
Of son and daughters
Of mother and father
Of sister and brothers
Of wives and lovers

I see ghosts of late
(In my emotional state)
Of wishes and regret
Of victories others forget
Of the turning of the earth
Of life and of death

For as long as I live
I’m a port in the storm
A shelter from the cold
To keep you warm
In understanding you
I’m in way over my head
But I’ll always be there
To love you instead

In that stone floored kitchen
I remember the friction
She stood with hand on hips
Her tongue through pursed lips
Behind my grandmother’s back
In impotent fury at her lack
Of kindnesss or empathy
Of understanding or sympathy

She was but twenty three,
A young bride recently free
With two children born
With another being formed
With difficult in-laws in-between
An old farmhouse to clean
And animals to harness
And produce to harvest
She had no indoor toilet
Or central heating or carpets
Or running water or electric light
Or friends or family nearby.

She was scared when the storms came round
And my father tied the thatched roof down
When the pig was killed she cried tears
As it was used to feed us for the year.
She cooked on the open turf fire
And milked the cows when tired
While my father sold milk to the creamery
To buy clothes, sugar and tea

A blow-in, it was said of her
And they were scornful of her
Of her lack of land and education
How she was now above her station
They could not see that the love
She brought in bucket-loads was enough
How she lit up that cold house
Meant she was more than a worthy spouse.

She was a Christian in deed
All the week it was soon agreed
She was a well of strength
With an addictive laugh freely spent
She attracted people to her
And over time won them all over.

Save my grandmother alone
Who had a hurt never shown
But which stifled her love
And her only son had never enough
My mother’s married life was tuned
To repairing that wound,
And at the end of his life of need
It seemed she finally did succeed.
He loved her so and learned
That he was loved by her in return
With such love his fear did cease
And he died, as much as we know, in peace.

The fruits of our dating
In that room of waiting
In that room of life and death
The bed was bloody red
Where she had bloody bled
And this was where we first met

Fighting contractions
And wired inaction
She fought till tired and worn
In that lonely room
In our own cocoon
From bleeding flesh they were torn

In the silent peace
Of the aftermath release
She was too exhausted to respond
My child explored
While I adored
And we formed an unbreakable bond

I tried to be strong
As I went along
But was guilty of many thoughtless sins
But I hope my love is the base
That gives them the grace
To be happy in their own skins

Economically they strive
But as people they thrive
And I am proud of their success
They are my lifelong joy
And the love I employ
Is a constant in my happiness

I remember her
Standing with hands on hips
In that stone floored kitchen
With her tongue stuck out
In defiance and impotent fury
Behind my grandmother’s back

She was but twenty three, a young bride
With two children already
And another on the way
With two elderly parents to tend to
With an old farmhouse to clean
With hens, pigs, cattle and geese to feed
With produce to collect and harvest

She had no indoor toilet
Or carpets
Or central heating
Or running water
Or electric light
Or friends
Or family nearby.

When the storms came
My father tied the thatched roof down.
He brought turf for the open fire
And sold milk to buy clothes, tea and sugar

My mother cried when the pig was killed
Every year to feed us for the year.
She despaired of the dirt
And the wayward animals
And her wayward children
And her needy parents-in-law

She was a blow-in
And they were scornful
Of her lack of land and of her education.
He was too good for her.

They could not see the love
She brought in bucket-loads
And armfuls,
And how she lit up that cold house.

But then as she always said
An empty vessel makes most sound.

She was Christian indeed
and not just on Sunday
She has a well of strength
And her laugh is infectious
And addictive.
She attracted people to her
And over time won them all over.

Save my grandmother
Who had a secret hurt
That she never shared
But which stifled her love
For her one and only son.

My mother spent her life
Trying to repair that wound,
And at the end of his life
It seemed she finally succeeded.

He loved her and was loved
By her and knew it to be so.
With such love there is no fear
And he died, as much as we can know,
in peace.

Sometimes I did not do
That which I promised to do
And more times than I care to mention
My mother observed tartly
Don’t do things partly
” The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

I was in a mood
And off my food
My face said what I chose not to say
My mother finally said
Look happy or instead
” The wind will change and leave you that way”

There was a lot of noise
There was too much noise
There was no peace to be found
She was losing her way
She would stop and say
“An empty vessel makes most sound”

My brothers and I crossed the line
We fought much of the time
We made an awful noise night and day
My father finally said, frustrated
Annoyed and exasperated
“Start it and I’ll finish it my way”

He had a problem in his day
Someone stood in his way
I think they were petty as well
He had bitten his lip
Then ” A petty man ” he let slip
” On an ass will ride it to hell ”

You looked at the deep blue sea
Beautiful in the midday sun
You were looking to the future with me
Wondering if I’m the one
My heart said you were for me
We floated together in the sky
I went down on one knee
You promised,”Until I die”

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?…
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

A new family we created
With a beautiful daughter born
And two children we each donated
To warm our created home
You had time to study yourself
To reinvent yourself anew
I was captured by work
To pay all of the bills due

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

Chocolate your guilty pleasure
New Age your guiding light
Lots of women friends to measure
Life and decide what’s right
You were the emotional muse
The oracle on things of the heart
Strong but easily bruised
The artist as we drifted apart

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?…
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

I’m slow in an emotional race
Much slower than you
I carry my dysfunctions in a case
Beautifully presented too
Our history is not all as planned
But there is much that is good
Below our doubts and fears
Is our love just misunderstood?

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?