Thus I Wrote

We met that evening
In the ICA cinema
We met that evening
In the ICA cinema
Your hands were so warm
My heart began to thaw

They say the darkest hour
Is right before the dawn
They say the darkest hour
Is right before the dawn
It’s been brighter since I’ve met you
Is my conclusion drawn

In the dark at the Green Note
Music floated in the air
In the dark at the Green Note
Music floated in the air
Later we kissed and travelled North
As you moved your hand through my hair

We swim in dirty water
Sometimes we feel sick
We swim in dirty water
Sometimes we feel sick
Some say we’re too sensitive
But I wouldn’t change us a bit

We travelled through London
We saw better by bus
We travelled through London
We saw better by bus
On to Brick Lane graffiti
I love many things about us

Actions speak much louder
Given with the right intention
Instead of chameleon words
Hidden with clever invention

What do you want of me now?
In those chameleon words, I can’t hear?
But I remember your actions
Is it Karma that you fear?

“Don’t hate me” you strangely said
But it’s something I never do
I’ve called you out as wrong
That’s all I think of you

What do you want of me now?
In those chameleon words, I can’t hear?
But I remember your actions
Is it Karma that you fear?

You can survive as a chameleon
But you’ll leave much undone
You gotta stand out with respect
When you wanna get some

What do you want of me now?
In those chameleon words, I can’t hear?
But I remember your actions
Is it Karma that you fear?

Well the parting was disjointed
And of an apparent selfish design
Was it just a clumsy mistake?
Or something more planned and malign?
The magic left like a light going out
Like air from a hissing balloon
The barriers came crashing down
Rushing the warmth from the room

I was made redundant
My services not now required
This was a crash landing
Ice emerged from the fire
Such breathless, ruthless action
No time even to think
A sword taken to the chain
It cut straight through the link

Later when I resurfaced
After gut wrenching days
“Keep good memories of us”
“Don’t hate me”, she says
Her actions had spoken louder
They didn’t care what I thought
Was a dishonest bow-tied closure?
Now really what she sought?

“Oh, integrity’s important to me,
I don’t want you to feel used”
(Accepting no responsibility
But implying my feelings are confused)
I can forgive of course
But only with explicit request
And only with some recognition
That growth and change are a quest

Nothing can protect me now
Cos everything must change and end
But there are more loving ways
Of leaving the party at the bend
Something nags at her inside
Maybe it’s the karma that she’s won?
Somewhere she needs approval
Something’s yet unfinished and undone

We hide behind barriers
To protect ourselves from harm.
Sometimes I wonder if we act
Too quickly to the first alarm
Grace under pressure
I find it so hard to do
Did I act too rashly
I really tried to enjoy you

Another broke down today
Why now, not years ago?
She hid behind a wall of anger
What was behind I did not know
Did that wall serve her well
Or isolate her from the world and me
Only she will know if it served her
Well or ineffectively

I find that barriers often cause,
More barriers to be raised
Or we lower and raise them,
Out of sync instead of phased
We advance and then retreat,
Hurt with every misread signal-bruise
Alone, of course we’re free
But alone we often lose

In the end we’re together
Because we can’t bear to be apart
If we can’t break down barriers
Then we can’t connect our hearts
Maybe we’re not attracted enough
Maybe the chemistry isn’t there
In the end to make it work
We need to really care

You caught me as I was falling
Out of the mist there rose the sun
As I climbed back on high
I felt the healing had begun

I began to mend the cracks
Yesterday darkness might’ve won
But today I was strong enough
Now the healing had begun

You have so much love to give
You had little time to give me some
I wish I could’ve given you more
Now the healing has begun

In the past you were chosen
This time I was the one
You filled me up with love
Until the healing had begun

Your smile I will remember
Your love and your fun
I’ll always remember the dream
And how the healing had begun

My stomach churns again, As I stare at my empty phone
It mutely fills me up, With the emptiness of being alone
My tears fall now, And it seems that it’s getting worse
I’m really feeling it now, but this ain’t my first

I’m sick with wanting you, and all that we vowed
I’m sick with the loss of you, but I’m still unbowed.
I love my memories of you, but all that’s now past
Time moves so quickly, it’s a shame that nothing lasts

I don’t know what you’re feeling, is it anything like this too?
Cos surely I meant something, as deep as this to you?
Don’t you want to meet, and we’ll draw a new line?
Can we not kiss and make up,  together one more time?

I thought this wouldn’t rhyme
Cos what I say ain’t so pretty
I try to be open and honest
And accept the truth about me
I’ve had good times in my life
And I’ve had my share of luck
I remember your honesty last night
You called me a lost, stuck, fuck

From the open dopamine dream
To the wary cool reality
From all the perfect imaginings
To the differences we could see
And the ghosts of your past
Strewn, growling, around me
To push me away from you
From what I wanted it to be

Was your gaze just too strong?
Or too much wariness in you?
Were you just too controlled?
Or no passion for me in you?
My head gave wise counsel
I listened to my heart more
To the contract we wrote online
And our horse so nearly born

I tried time and time again
But I wasn’t keeping score
Who owned these barriers?
I did not know anymore
Did I even know what I was doing?
Was I trying to fix what was wrong?
Was something broken and disconnected?
Did Brexit and your art just not belong?

Is that a black dog growling?
Some dark guardian over you?
In the still, grey, wet, Winter’s day?
With dead leaves stuck like glue?
The water leaked from the vase
Of flowers that I gave you
My champagne lay unopened
Forgotten and unloved too

This now requires some reset
To go right back near the start
We found we know each other
Painfully, only in some parts
We don’t love each other yet
But we could still be the one
I grieve for that lost dream
And for all that’s suddenly gone

I left you smiling
In your sleep
It was the end of a night so surreal
We never touched
We never kissed
But you said you would dream of me

You suddenly reached
You suddenly connected
Somewhere deep in the heart of me
My butterflies flew
My heart beat faster
Then it was only you I could see

Earlier I questioned
And you never once flinched
You answered so honest and true
I felt so strange
Like I had touched the sides
Somewhere deep inside of you

This was a dream
Some dopamine dream
Where endorphins rise and rush
I felt your serenity
Over thousands of miles
Your connection made my face blush

You rose to meet me
To somehow fit me
To articulate so confident and true
The power of your words
The beauty of your words
Fills me with butterflies anew

Now this is living
Now this is playing
This is life so far from the shelf
Our beautiful friendship
Is such a wonder
That I never dreamt it for myself

I don’t like being weighed
And measured
And judged
And found wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
I’m not right
I’m not good enough again

But equally I don’t like weighing
And measuring
And judging
And finding her wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
And her not feeling right
And her feeling not good enough again

In the middle of it all
A light
A warmth
I experienced on my way
She turned and said
In a bar somewhere
I get you
I understand all you feel and say

I don’t have peace now
Because I miss you
Or I miss the thought of you
The warmth of you

I don’t have peace now
Because something’s missing
I dream of kissing…
And of other things

I pull down the stars
To put them in your eyes
I dream of your smile
As I watch the sun rise
I dream of your voice
When I hear bird song
But, still, among the flowers
I feel something’s wrong

I don’t have peace now
Because I don’t have you
And I may never have you
As I may never know you
Are you a shimmering mirage?
Made of my hopeful schemes?
And all my yesterdays?
And all my dreams?

But just the thought of you
Just the chance of you
Just the glimpse of you
Fills me with desire
And I’m glad to be so alive again
Filled with desire