Thus I Wrote

I’m losing the luxury of anger
My childish tantrums now are few
I must be dignified and courteous
I must be patient in all I do

It’s a shock to see the world
Like a rose with its petals torn
I can see the functionality
But it’s less pretty and more forlorn

I lift the carpet for beauty
Because kindness is not everywhere
But I will be kind in my way
And maybe I’ll make the world care

I know being kind to a stranger
Is not logical at first sight
But it helps to make the world better
And somehow feels about right

We’re on this journey together
Let’s hold hands while it’s light
We’re on this journey together
In your eyes my reflection’s bright

Your words explode in my head
And I freeze with pain…
My stomach’s in a knot
And I’m back here again

Like a knife on a taut rope
Back and forth until I fall
Into the lonely darkness
Surrounded by a dark wall

Such warmth and such joy
You offer on a good day
But on a dark day a knife
That makes me hurt & pay
That makes me lose myself
And my demons to recover
Who take my voice
Who launch and takeover..

Your every word an arrow
Shot true and sharp
Cut through my defence
And straight into my heart

I was slow and feeble
Against your rapier thrusts
Before I knew where I was
I was hooked on unjust
I had responded
In a battle I did not choose
And it was a battle
That I would always lose

You force a crisis
You ignore my pleas
You parry my defence
You thrust and seize
Your satisfaction prize
You see my wound bleed
You see me hurt silent
“Oh Stay… let me feed…”
You think “Its your fault
By all that you do,
I forget my pain
By inflicting it on you”.

And so I withdraw
To let my wounds heal
To analyse and to write
To process what I feel

Grey limestone celtic cross
Grey cold autumn day
Leafless trees sway
And crows fly away

Is this my only monument?
As this cold silence bleeds
Above where the worms breed?
Where the earth waits to feed?

Is there no love?
A transaction of give and take
No forgiveness for our sins
And so our hearts just break

Is this the autumn?
A foreboding of winter ahead
The life and colours of Summer
All now blown and fled.

Red hair and green ivy
Brown freckles and laughing play
My childhood full of light
I remember it that way

The river and the green fields
The ocean and the seaweed
I lived by the sea when I was young
On a farm where the animals feed

The pig and the yearly killing
The blood and the community
My mother always cried inside
So they could not see

Brown corduroy and cropped hair
A shy and worried smile
Different and often alone
Punch was a frightening trial

Incence and fancy dress
The magic of the feast
Enthralled by the church
I could have been a priest

Her blue eyes and blonde hair
I love memories of this
I was so ignorant of life
But she gave me first kiss

I love the beauty of symmetry
Out of chaos ordered in a row
Buildings with the right proportions
The reason why I don’t know

I love the beauty of women
Their feline movement and grace
I could watch them forever as
Emotions move across their face

I love the beauty of nature
Where form and function are one
The colours and the cycles
Here today and tomorrow gone

There is beauty in music
In books and paintings too
In films and in good food
In the work that man can do

With beauty we choose a mate
And we choose where to live
We choose how we work
And the gifts we choose to give.

With beauty we create
Works of art to leave behind
Our way to reach each other
And to light up mankind

He’s a man
I can identify with him
I can feel him
Deep in my gut within

He smells the air
Like the wolf he prowls
When he smells his prey
He stalks and howls

He’s a warrior
Who cuts with his knife
To protect his home
And provide for his wife

He knows when to play
And when to fight
And when to join
And when a loner is right

In his soul
There is a ‘meaning’ need
And this can drive him on
To a good or evil deed

Fears grow in the dark
Buried and out of sight
But they will shrivel
When brought into the light

Fears are part of us
To make us more effective
If we let them drain us
They’ll make us more defective

Fears may be demons
To possess our minds
But love will cast them out
To leave clarity behind

Did you break it?
And did you betray?
Or actually did I, then?
I was just in your way?

When we signed
What did we actually agree?
How would I love you?
And how would you love me?

If I don’t make you happy
Are you free to go?
Free to find your happiness
And step on me as you go?

We had a written contract
And a commitment called marriage
But when love went out the window
The wheels came off that carriage

Was the real contract written
In blood, in our hearts?
And when the blood, it cooled
You decided we should part

I was hurt and I was angry
And fearful of course
But of our faults together
I believe we share the source

I want now to heal
So I will let go
Of all anger and blame
And this takes time I know…

She has no filter
She thinks something,
And then she just says it.
I consider the options
The plus and minus then,
The moment is lost with it.

There’s a time to filter
And then there is,
A time to let the world know.
Trust is built on
Knowing how to predict,
Where the other will go.

If I calculate
Or I prevaricate,
I create distance and fear.
Sometimes it’s better
To say what you feel,
To allow your loved ones near.

I must clear my mind
Of the clutter and distance,
And the blockage in our way.
I’ve a deep well of love
But they must know it,
In small ways every day.

I am in heaven
And the place is very strange
And compared to life on earth
There is a lot of change

There is no competition
There is no fight to survive
There is no need to procreate
To keep the species alive

There is no give and take
And no tasks to fullfil
And no bonding together
Through experience and skill

There are no seasons
And there is no change
No birth, marriage or death
No ceremonies to arrange

There is no need to eat
Or to drink some fine wine
There is no love or hate
And all our thoughts align

There are no worries
Although God needs to be adored
All that I remember as a human
Is gone and, frankly, I’m bored.

I’ve hung no albatross
Round their necks,
For my bar is not set high.
But there’s a fear
That drives me,
To do more before I die.

Why do I wish for?
To have given more?
And is it just a selfish desire?
Am I searching for meaning
In my scuttling life
With some fuel for a dying fire?

I’ve walked by gravestones
And park benches,
And their names they called to me.
I’m saddened by whispers
Of their futile wishes,
For immortality.

Shall I lay myself humbly?
On my cross?
And serve all the needs in my way?
Such deeds may not be
Remembered in stone
But will help somebody here today