Thus I Wrote

I have some money
It serves some needs
But it won’t set me free
I have dark chains
Born in my past
But they still pull at me

I have dreams of the future
I have some fears
They’re hidden deep inside of me
I fight for control
But often I find
That my fears they control me

I can’t change much
But I can change me
I can’t do much
But I can be free

I built a house
I wanted to feel safe
Now it’s all the world sees of me
And I’ve lately found
That it distorts
The world that I can see

So I’ll open my doors
I’ll remove my chains
Then I’ll see more clearly
I’ll connect more
I’ll give more
Then I’ll live more freely

I can’t change much
But I can change me
I can’t do much
But I can be free

I don’t like it much
The destruction, the division and the deceit
But does that make me
One of the Liberal Elite?

I don’t like it much
All the insults & the lack of respect
But does that make me
Too Politically Correct?

I don’t like it much
The noise all around
All the ignorance and the lies
But empty vessels make most sound

There’s never enough time under the sun
We all leave this place with much undone
With visceral feelings of roads not taken
But we’re not alone and we’re not forsaken

Lo, There do I see my Father
Lo, There do I see my Mother
And My Sisters and my Brothers
Lo, There do I see the line
Of my people back in time
Lo, They do they call to me
To take my place in the halls of Eternity
Where our enemies have been vanquished
Where the brave shall live forever
Where the truth shall reign
Where there’s beauty and no pain
Where we shall not mourn but rejoice
For we have lived a good life.

I’ve squandered my days with plans of many things
And I did not plan for this, but now I vow to live it well
For all that I ought to have thought, and have not thought;
For all that I ought to have said, and have not said;
For all that I ought to have done, and have not done;
I ask for forgiveness.

Well the parting was disjointed
And of an apparent selfish design
Was it just a clumsy mistake?
Or something more planned and malign?
The magic left like a light going out
Like air from a hissing balloon
The barriers came crashing down
Rushing the warmth from the room

I was made redundant
My services not now required
This was a crash landing
Ice emerged from the fire
Such breathless, ruthless action
No time even to think
A sword taken to the chain
It cut straight through the link

Later when I resurfaced
After gut wrenching days
“Keep good memories of us”
“Don’t hate me”, she says
Her actions had spoken louder
They didn’t care what I thought
Was a dishonest bow-tied closure?
Now really what she sought?

“Oh, integrity’s important to me,
I don’t want you to feel used”
(Accepting no responsibility
But implying my feelings are confused)
I can forgive of course
But only with explicit request
And only with some recognition
That growth and change are a quest

Nothing can protect me now
Cos everything must change and end
But there are more loving ways
Of leaving the party at the bend
Something nags at her inside
Maybe it’s the karma that she’s won?
Somewhere she needs approval
Something’s yet unfinished and undone

I’ve no words left
After how we parted
I’m alone at sea
Trust’s now re-started

What now of my needs?
What now of yours?
The contract’s broken
Back knocking on doors

“Lovely, lovely memories”
Yes…you’re so right
They shine so bright
In this cold turkey night

Of course it’s my shit
I know it’s mine to manage
In this cold empty silence
I will limit the damage

We lived wild for a time
We trusted each other
In a brief oasis of time
We enjoyed each other

I’m not that pragmatic
I often swim against the flow
Others just float on by
“It’ll all be fine”, they know

I worry about lies
I worry about universal things
They only worry about themselves
What each decision will bring

I’m not right, they’re not wrong
But these are barriers in between
I wish I could just remove them
But I want my beauty it seems

I walk over my beloved bridge
I breathe the air of the river
The sun will warm me tomorrow
Even as today I walk and shiver

I’ve met them, those fabulous women, working on their quest

All beautiful, all wonderful and dressed to look their best

We’re all such good people and gentle in this context

But we move on disappointed, resignedly to the next

They look at me carefully and I watch them sift and weigh
They measure everything, every movement and word I say
Their body language speaks and quietly it tells me all
They lean back but often times, it’s I not they who falls

I see the masks and barriers, that they hold up before
As I pull them down, somewhat roughly, and I ask to, please, see more
Why am I so impatient, so quick to find their core?
Most are happy on the ocean, I’m so hungry for the shore

They need to feel safe, and trust takes time, that’s clear
Brick by brick we build trust, to replace barriers and fear
Trust is calm predictability and it’s not chaotic change
There’s a responsibility to open, to teach and to arrange

I find that barriers often cause, more barriers to be raised
Or we lower and raise them, out of sync instead of phased
We advance and then retreat, hurt with every misread signal-bruise
This relationship between us, is always both of ours to lose

Authenticity is what we seek, and that better version of ourselves
We can bravely play in the jungle, or observe from barren shelves
Of course, sometimes we’ll get hurt, and sometimes we will fall
But better to have tried and failed, than never to have ventured at all

There…I’ve said it
And it is, what it is
In the past, I’ve hid too much
Now my heart’s on my sleeve

Too many barriers and longings
In the space between us both
I feel life’s too precious now
Not to go for the throat

All this stuff was swirling
All around my heart and head
I wanted to connect with you
Did I add another barrier instead?

Ah…but there’s a mystery
Deep in a woman’s heart
And words are unlikely to change
Our chemistry from the start

Now I’ve laid myself out
Before her as she walks
And flickering across her face
Is that her desire as she talks?

I walk down the pavement
And I sit down inside
I get a hot coffee and a warm croissant
And then I start swimming against the tide

I’m reaching out
I’m trying to connect
I don’t know what’s next
I’m trying to connect

Aah…This is me now

It’s a new day
And the sun is streaming hot
I forget the story in the stars
Cos nobody knows the plot
I was raised on a promise
It was whispered in the wind
It said “Give all you’ve got
And nobody can say that you’ve sinned”

I’m reaching out
I’m trying to connect

I don’t need to be rescued
I just need you to be there
I’m reaching out for something
Something we can share
But there’s too much noise, You can’t hear me
And there’s a haze, So we can’t see
I’m still outside, Your comfort zone
And when you don’t understand, I feel more alone

I’m reaching out
I don’t know what’s next
I’m reaching out
I’m trying to connect

Aah…This is me now

I created a song from my original poem and changed it in the process as often happens.