Thus I Wrote

I found myself one morning, I was looking at the lines on my face
I wondered how I got there, how did I come to this place
I tried to keep my options open, over what next I would do
I never really knew myself, so how could I ever really know you?

In London I saw you dancing, And then we talked over drinks for a while
You laughed and said it’s not the time, it’s the wear and it’s the miles
I smiled as I tried to read you, I tried to predict what next you would do
But that was before I learned, I could never really know you.

You said after a party, “You fall in love with every pretty thing”
“You just love making women laugh, all the dancing and the flirting”
“Maybe you are shallow, Maybe you just blow with the wind”
“Or maybe I just can’t read you, so I fear that you have sinned”

We listened to Jimi Hendrix, his version of Dylan’s Watchtower
I wondered why it resonated, and what gave it that beauty and power
I asked you what you thought, but it seemed like it went over your head
You said that you preferred, some spiritual Indian music instead.

We drank too much and talked about stuff,  about love’s great mystery
Oh why do we fall in and out of love, why do we search ceaselessly?
I asked “Is it just a transaction, A simple exchange of value”
You said “That’s way too crude, That’s a very unromantic view”.

In the evening light on the pavement, I sat with my glass of red wine
I heard many conversations, that I wished were part of mine
I’m in a boat on the ocean, I guess that’s how I stay afloat
But the ocean calls me seductively, “dive in, its time to leave the boat”.

Most of the time, I feel alright
Most of the time, I keep myself in the light
I don’t think about tomorrow, I enjoy today
I don’t think about yesterday, and how it all passed away
I face my fears, I don’t let them do me wrong
I think I’ve turned the corner, I’ve forgotten her now she’s gone
Most of the time

Most of the time, I say the right thing
Most of the time, I can keep secrets in
I don’t drink too much, I don’t get too loud
I’m kind, I smile and I’m fun to be around
I accept there are no answers, even after all I’ve read
I forget how she left and all the hurtful things she said
Most of the time

Most of the time, I’m loyal and true
Most of the time, I’m open to something new
I’m sensitive to promises, that mustn’t be broken
I don’t keep quiet, when I should’ve spoken
No, I’m a clear light, in the turbulent storm
And when it was cold, I kept her warm
Most of the time

Most of the time
I’m moving too fast
To remember all the victories
That I thought would last
Most of the time
I’ve forgotten her
I’ve learned how to survive
I’ve learned how to endure

Most of the time, I don’t try to hide
Most of the time, I can handle my feelings inside
I don’t cheat on myself, with shallow distractions
I’m not a prisoner of options, on the path to my actions
I don’t compromise, I don’t pretend
I don’t care if I never see her again
Most of the time

 

This poem is inspired by Most of The Time by the great Bob Dylan from the Album Oh Mercy. It is also used in a scene from the film High Fidelity with John Cusack, Iben Hjejle et al.

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Whoa now lady this is just our first date
Let’s introduce ourselves, now can you please wait?
You know my name and you know I have some baggage
I don’t carry it in a bag, I use this nice carriage

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Yes, I’ve been married a few times before
That’s twice (if you insist on keeping the score)
And yes I have kids and yes they’re all grown up
And yes I tell Dad jokes, though they try make me stop

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Well, I’m getting to it now, shall we order a drink?
I need time to catch my breath and have a think
I came on this date with such anticipation
But now this feels like a Police interrogation!

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

(Well I’ve learned that you do like your wine
And you do like your food as well as some of mine
But let me keep those things to myself
My black eye won’t look too good, on the shelf)

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

In Life I must have, something to give
And having something to share, is my way to live
In Love we’re all different, one size doesn’t fit all
And each couple will make, their own different call

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

My love should be first, before friends, work or sport
I should always be loyal, and provide fun and support
I shouldn’t draw lines, where my love can but lose
And I know my demons and fears are mine to defuse

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Now coffee is over and what about you?
Tell me about you and what do you want to do?
I’ve answered all your questions all down the line
Now shall we move onto a few of mine?

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Oh shame, our time is over and now what’s next?
I’m not great at sharing on Facebook or text
Oh… you just … want to wait and see
Well… I guess …that’s just fine with me

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

It’s the deep midwinter
I’m walking in the snow
In the quiet, I hear the birds
I like their song as I go.
The pale sun tries
To shine on me, here below
I’ve given up asking
Cos I just don’t know

I’m going to paint my house
In all the bright colours I find
I’m ready to have faith in hope
And leave my past behind

I ran in the wind
I could see a faint glow
My hair was wet
I ran as fast as I could go
I’ve knelt in the desert
As many did before
But I’ve given up asking
Cos I just don’t know

I’m going to paint my house
In all the bright colours I find
I’m ready to have faith in hope
And leave my past behind

The sea called to me
It whispered for me to go
I was on the waves
And against the tide I did row
Then I let the oars float
Now I’m going with the flow
And I’ve given up asking
Cos I just don’t know

I’m going to paint my house
In all the bright colours I find
I’m ready to have faith in hope
And leave my past behind

I can’t talk to you now, it hurts too much.
We’ve tried to talk together about basic stuff
But we get lost down some dark maze
Of misunderstandings and hurtful ways.
Instead of your beauty and your grace
I see the dormant anger in your face.

I’ve no blame left for you over this deep cut
But I feel pain and have guilt deep in my gut
Yes and I’ve despair over all that’s died
‘Cos once we were cool, side by side

Christmas was harder in this Winter rain
As memories washed over me again
I was numb ’til now but then something restarted
I finally told a friend that we had parted
It was a punch to the heart as it all rose up again
A complex mixture of sorrow and of shame
Oh I hope this year that we’ll restart our lives
I think I’m ready but demons may still arise.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
I can still be loud when I should say things discreetly
I’ve tried to change but I say things carelessly
I’ve been swimming against a current ceaselessly

Someday we’ll meet and talk of old times
And you’ll enjoy your time and I’ll enjoy mine
But now in your heart there’s still a bend
And that’ll take some time for you to mend

I hate how my wrong word you didn’t need
Somehow killed off my history of good deeds
How you drew lines where I felt I could only lose
With loved ones on different sides and saying “now choose”
And how you felt betrayed when I tried to still
Our turbulent family waters with logic and will

Well I can be kind and I can do the right thing
Sometimes with you I was guilty of forgetting
You’re a good woman and you’ve  a good heart
Still you found all those things in me that kept us apart
And I don’t know why,  but it all went black
I wish I could change it and turn it all back
I haven’t forgotten you laughing in my arms
And I haven’t forgotten your beauty and your charms
But now I’ve bought new clothes to stir my blood
And I’ll paint in bright colours, it’s time I should.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
Life is messy and rarely happens neatly
But I’ll go forward fearlessly
And swim against the current ceaselessly

You told me earlier that night of your last few years
Maybe I didn’t understand, maybe I was a bit clumsy
I tried to understand your choices
As the music drowned our voices
But it didn’t really connect with me

But there was something that night, about how you danced
In your black, leather skirt
And I ain’t forgotten it yet
Cos it helped me forget
All the past and all the hurt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

Earlier that night you touched my hair
I think in just in a casual way
But it felt like tenderness
And it felt like kindness
Or was I reading it the wrong way?

Oh…you’re a force of nature
An ocean of emotion, of love and of heart
You pull at me with your fun
But you’re not free to be won
And that alone must keep us apart

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
And we didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

I’m moving on now, maybe we’ll meet again
Maybe you’ll be the spark of my revolution?
With your beauty and heart
Will you play a part
In my new year plans and my resolutions?

But I wish I’d taken a photo of you dancing that night
In your black, leather skirt
With your hair thrown back
As you moved to the music’s attack
In your black boots and black tee shirt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
We didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

May you feel joyful
May you never measure the love you bring
May you smile and be kind
May you give and let your soul sing

May you have those you love around you
May you enjoy listening to what they say
May you enjoy being together
With your loved ones on Christmas Day

Happy Christmas….x

I try to love you but I am repulsed
I feel rejected as I have for so long
I’m on the wrong page and now I’m feeling my age
I just keep on getting it wrong

The scales they tip in my weighing mind
But they’ve tipped your way for too long
I’ve given ’til it hurts and now it hurts too much
I just keep on getting it wrong

I’ve built the boundaries that make me
They protect me in the throng
I’ve moved them on, ’til a part of me feels gone
I just keep on getting it wrong

I know perception is your reality
And my caricature is so strong
I need a new brand and to deal a new hand
I just keep on getting it wrong

Now every morning I knock on doors
Cos to live I need to belong
For my learning heart, it’s the hardest part
I just keep on getting it wrong

The sun shines down on last night’s frost
And in the quiet I hear a bird’s song
I think of Spring and the changes I’ll ring
Cos I just keep on getting it wrong

You reach out through clumsy words,
Through shared things and scenes
You want me to like them too,
And for a while I miss what you mean…

Your music is alien to me,
I see what their faces lack,
I listen to their stories,
And it brings me all the way back.
This was the country I left behind,
A country of catholic sin,
A country alien to me,
But that they felt at home in.
Once I thought I was better,
But now I just feel alone,
I have no real country,
And I have no real home.
I ripped all that tried to cling to me,
Because I needed to be free,
To travel on my quest,
To find out who I must be.
To become the butterfly,
I shed my caterpillar skin,
And on a wheel of stone,
The start has now come again…

Then I hold your hand,
I listen and watch you smile,
Now love drowns our differences
After a little while.

It’s just a fairytale
But you preach “It’s right”
It’s just a fairytale
But you insist “It’s right”
I think on the whole
It’s about power and control
It’s your tool for evil rule and “It’s not right”

We’ve learned from many teachers
Who believed what’s right
And they learned from many teachers
Who believed what’s right
Like them we took the best
And we discarded the rest
Because we need a modern view of what’s right

There are many things still wrong
On the road to what’s right
There are many things still wrong
On the road to what’s right
But as a democratic collective
We can be much more effective
To serve and to do what’s right