Thus I Wrote

I write much that is serious
About the hurt in my heart
But I enjoy all my life
And all of those who take part
To those that I have loved
And those who have broken my heart
I regret not a minute
I don’t need a new start
I enjoy every minute
Cos they don’t come twice
To grow, have fun and enjoy
Some pain is a small price
Life is good
I’ll enjoy it beat by beat
I’ll never ever lose
But I’ll have many defeats

My stomach churns again, As I stare at my empty phone
It mutely fills me up, With the emptiness of being alone
My tears fall now, And it seems that it’s getting worse
I’m really feeling it now, but this ain’t my first

I’m sick with wanting you, and all that we vowed
I’m sick with the loss of you, but I’m still unbowed.
I love my memories of you, but all that’s now past
Time moves so quickly, it’s a shame that nothing lasts

I don’t know what you’re feeling, is it anything like this too?
Cos surely I meant something, as deep as this to you?
Don’t you want to meet, and we’ll draw a new line?
Can we not kiss and make up,  together one more time?

I ain’t afraid to say it
I’m broken hearted again
And if you read this
Know that it ain’t your sin
I guess we tried
But trying don’t always win
I’ve learnt another lesson
Broken hearted again

I really thought we’d found
That which we all seek
A love that’s so strong
A love so pure and deep
But we fell off the horse
Just after we were to begin
Now we’re hurt and sore
Broken hearted again

We wrote and we spoke
Many times a day
But now there’s too much silence
So many things in the way
So many barriers raised
Is this what reality brings?
It’s an old familiar feeling
Broken hearted again

Will you curl into a ball?
Into a foetal position?
Protect yourself from harm?
With controlled decisions?
You said we are twins
We feel everything the same
Do we still have a chance?
Broken hearted again

I regret some things
But only how we played
We moved so fast and free
Should’ve used some scripts instead
Oh.. I loved the feeling
And the deep connection we gained
We’re brave but we lost our grip
Broken hearted again

I’m not that pragmatic
I often swim against the flow
Others just float on by
“It’ll all be fine”, they know

I worry about lies
I worry about universal things
They only worry about themselves
What each decision will bring

I’m not right, they’re not wrong
But these are barriers in between
I wish I could just remove them
But I want my beauty it seems

I walk over my beloved bridge
I breathe the air of the river
The sun will warm me tomorrow
Even as today I walk and shiver

I thought this wouldn’t rhyme
Cos what I say ain’t so pretty
I try to be open and honest
And accept the truth about me
I’ve had good times in my life
And I’ve had my share of luck
I remember your honesty last night
You called me a lost, stuck, fuck

From the open dopamine dream
To the wary cool reality
From all the perfect imaginings
To the differences we could see
And the ghosts of your past
Strewn, growling, around me
To push me away from you
From what I wanted it to be

Was your gaze just too strong?
Or too much wariness in you?
Were you just too controlled?
Or no passion for me in you?
My head gave wise counsel
I listened to my heart more
To the contract we wrote online
And our horse so nearly born

I tried time and time again
But I wasn’t keeping score
Who owned these barriers?
I did not know anymore
Did I even know what I was doing?
Was I trying to fix what was wrong?
Was something broken and disconnected?
Did Brexit and your art just not belong?

Is that a black dog growling?
Some dark guardian over you?
In the still, grey, wet, Winter’s day?
With dead leaves stuck like glue?
The water leaked from the vase
Of flowers that I gave you
My champagne lay unopened
Forgotten and unloved too

This now requires some reset
To go right back near the start
We found we know each other
Painfully, only in some parts
We don’t love each other yet
But we could still be the one
I grieve for that lost dream
And for all that’s suddenly gone

I left you smiling
In your sleep
It was the end of a night so surreal
We never touched
We never kissed
But you said you would dream of me

You suddenly reached
You suddenly connected
Somewhere deep in the heart of me
My butterflies flew
My heart beat faster
Then it was only you I could see

Earlier I questioned
And you never once flinched
You answered so honest and true
I felt so strange
Like I had touched the sides
Somewhere deep inside of you

This was a dream
Some dopamine dream
Where endorphins rise and rush
I felt your serenity
Over thousands of miles
Your connection made my face blush

You rose to meet me
To somehow fit me
To articulate so confident and true
The power of your words
The beauty of your words
Fills me with butterflies anew

Now this is living
Now this is playing
This is life so far from the shelf
Our beautiful friendship
Is such a wonder
That I never dreamt it for myself

I’ve met them, those fabulous women, working on their quest

All beautiful, all wonderful and dressed to look their best

We’re all such good people and gentle in this context

But we move on disappointed, resignedly to the next

They look at me carefully and I watch them sift and weigh
They measure everything, every movement and word I say
Their body language speaks and quietly it tells me all
They lean back but often times, it’s I not they who falls

I see the masks and barriers, that they hold up before
As I pull them down, somewhat roughly, and I ask to, please, see more
Why am I so impatient, so quick to find their core?
Most are happy on the ocean, I’m so hungry for the shore

They need to feel safe, and trust takes time, that’s clear
Brick by brick we build trust, to replace barriers and fear
Trust is calm predictability and it’s not chaotic change
There’s a responsibility to open, to teach and to arrange

I find that barriers often cause, more barriers to be raised
Or we lower and raise them, out of sync instead of phased
We advance and then retreat, hurt with every misread signal-bruise
This relationship between us, is always both of ours to lose

Authenticity is what we seek, and that better version of ourselves
We can bravely play in the jungle, or observe from barren shelves
Of course, sometimes we’ll get hurt, and sometimes we will fall
But better to have tried and failed, than never to have ventured at all

I’ve always had vinyl thoughts
In a world digital and online
And as all the world connected
I’ve often felt different and offline

My heart won’t move too fast
It moves to a beat that’s slow
It’s wary of too much emotion
It won’t trust what it doesn’t know

I looked across the table
I saw her laughing at my jokes
I sometimes wonder what happened
How did it all go up in smoke?

Maybe it was the wine that night
It was red and it was rough
But we just drank it all down
We never knew enough was enough

Oh..she was so beautiful
Something about her just won’t let go
But she had too many masks
Now I guess I’ll never know

I’ve tried to feel the rhythm
To understand how it all moved
But I’m still blind to the rhythm
As my every mistake proved

I held your hand, as you grabbed mine
Our fearful hearts, ready to intertwine
And we rode a horse, fast and wild
We held on as the sun, rose and smiled

Sometimes the film, ain’t as good as the book
And long distance, just can’t beat a good look
Or the touch of your hand, as the trees fly by
Or the kiss on your neck, as you heave a sigh

Trust is still, a multilayered thing
As brick on brick, we patiently bring
We open to each other, tongues brush lips
We move in motion, the horse, our hips

There then came a time, of rain and storm
You face so worried, and your body so worn
We finally fell, with both or none to blame
Different lives now, our quest remains

There’s a fissure and a split,
In the armour that I’ve built,
That makes me so restless now.
In the recesses of my mind,
Where fear scurries blind,
And darkness rises somehow.

There’s a tightness in my gut,
Of time racing and things ending, but,
I’ve a longing for forbidden things.
I hear the inexorable journey’s hiss,
To the darkness of the abyss,
And the sound while the banshee sings.

To that which I had completed,
To that which I had defeated,
And that which I must rise above now.
The cacophony of rejection,
As loneliness and non-acceptance,
Irrelevance and uselessness row.

I wrestle in my dreams now,
A dark demon that stalks and howls,
Suddenly stripped of my armour’s power.
I’m suddenly falling from on high,
Fearing multiple goodbyes,
Before hellos have finished their hour.

And yet I’m brave so I must rise,
To look my fears in the eyes,
And because I’m blessed to be alive.
I will stand and fight,
For love and the right,
To hold someone’s hand and smile.