Thus I Wrote

Alexanderplatz in the snow
Berlin Cathedral on show
Grey sky, Blue stars appear

Near Frankfurter Tor
Something began to stir
We drank beers and examined our years

I lost myself…I lost myself

We give so much
Now what’s left of us?
As we fit in and survive we said

Later we stared at that dome
And talked of our homes
And how our past pulls and things fade

I lost myself…I lost myself

I lit two candles for Lana,
There, in snowy Berlin,
My prayers mingled with the smoke,
That rose in the quiet space therein.

I get impatient,
Trying to connect true,
When games get in the way,
Of what is beautiful in you.
I wanted you to be real,
I don’t like false layers,
But I know I asked too much,
So my patience was my prayer.

Lana, I think you’re unhappy
You know how to survive,
How to protect yourself,
And to economically thrive.
But love is much misunderstood,
Have you ever known real love?
One that nurtures and grows,
Signified by that dove?
You were an intelligent, sensitive child,
Lost in a big boisterous family,
In a rough, striving environment,
Who listened to you intently?
Did you grow too hard a shell?
To protect yourself in there?
I wonder at your loneliness
So your happiness was my prayer.

I’m not that ruthless
I’m not as decisive as you
I knew if I jumped
That it could really hurt you
And I was trying to take stock
I was trying to understand
I was trying to hold on
I was trying to hold your hand
I was trying to stay on
As we were thrown about
I was honest, I could’ve lied
In my confusion and my doubt

I’m not that cool
I’ll say I’ve been hurt by you
I know that I miss you
I know that I want to see you
But there were too many questions
I could feel you slipping
And then we were falling
We could hear things ripping
I gave all I could
I really cared about you
But I knew that this could end
With only hurt to hold on to

I‘m not that confident
I can’t say it will be fine
No, I need to see much further
Right on down the line
I don’t close my eyes and jump
No, I look before I leap
And maybe he who hesitates is lost
But we gotta choose how we sow and reap
This is another defeat
But we have not lost
Let’s remember the dream
Let’s forget the cost

There was snow on the ground
Blue sky and sun all around
Was that the reason that my blood was so thin?
I drank from the cup
Before I tried to get up
Why did I feel so exhausted there in Berlin?

They smoked outside in the snow
Then into cool music they go
They could hide ‘cos the light was so dim
They kissed and caressed
They moaned and they pressed
There was a decadence there in Berlin

Now they gave, it seemed a lot
Fruit’s always juicy before the rot
I finished the song, Ruthless, to sing
The buildings were all big and clear
It was all a bit functional and austere
I’d a lot of mixed feelings, there,  in Berlin

Beneath the cathedral dome
In high renaissance, like Rome
The organ could let God hear us sing
Outside in the snow
Past blue stars I go
I found some peace and some beauty in Berlin

I dreamt of Lana del Rey
How I became her prey
Her vulnerability, hid her desire to win
But though I know about love
As signified by that dove
I shivered with the cold there in Berlin

I lit two candles to show
That love can grow
And that closed games are really such a sin
I offered up two prayers
A symbol of how much I care
Such warmth was needed in Berlin

You must go now, you must protect yourself
You can see a better future, for you, from the shelf
In your head, you had a dream of me
But I was nervous competing, with someone I couldn’t see
“Don’t worry, we need no scripts”, you said now, didn’t you?
Ah, but it’s all over now between me and you

This pain is real and I ain’t made it up
I didn’t drink for a long time, but you held the cup
I never felt, anything quite like this before
When we met I was nervous, about what I wasn’t really sure
When you held back, I tried, to push on through
Ah, but it’s all over now between me and you

I wear my heart on my sleeve now, or so I’m told
I want it all, or nothing at all, it’s time to be bold
You seemed to get me, you said that we were twins
We gave and wanted love and to be the best at everything
We talked of plans and starting our lives anew
Ah, but it’s all over now between me and you

I forgot the lessons, that you tried to teach me
You want loyalty, and you want love unconditionally
I know now that you’ve set the bar way too high
And you ran when you saw that I would not comply
I would’ve liked one more chance, to make, our dream true
Ah, but it’s all over now between me and you

I remember all the messages that you sent to me
All those pictures and words are seared in my memory
But now we’ve fallen, into a dark silent abyss
Was our deep connection so easy to dismiss?
But are all such questions, now,  just wasted on you?
Ah, cos it’s all over now between me and you

You searched the world for me
And then you found me
And then you liked me
And then you showed me your heart
And then you called out to me
And then you invaded me
And butterflies arose in me
And our love affair did start

So…Breathe, Breathe and let it go
I’m down now on all fours
My head is on the floor

You rose up to meet me
You suddenly reached out for me
You  connected with me
Somewhere deep in the heart of me
That night you were so serene
That night you were a queen
That night you somehow fitted me
That night your words they captured me

So…Breathe, Breathe and let it go
I’m down now on all fours
My head is on the floor

I was falling into the sea
But then you caught me
You began to heal me
You began to love me
And then we were smiling
And then we were loving
And then we were living
But then we were dreaming

So…Breathe, Breathe and let it go
I’m down now on all fours
My head is on the floor

We were weighing, the goods
When she fell there in, the woods
I think she misunderstood me, that last time we spoke
She took fright and, she ran
She’d no idea, or plan
But she felt more safe there, alone in her cloak

Did she see something, in me?
That she didn’t want, to see?
Or did she think all my feelings for her, were just smoke?
I wasn’t ready for, the ride
It knocked all my confidence, inside
When I felt her moving from me, the lady in the cloak

The emotions, we keep
They may be shallow, or deep
That’s why I needed to look at her, when she spoke
I knew her so well, I believed
But I think that I was, deceived
I’ve still much to learn about, the lady in the cloak

These days, I’m so open
Many soft words, I’ve spoken
They say I’m such an emotionally, intelligent bloke
But it’s such a balancing, act
Between honesty, and tact
And I forgot about it all, with the lady in the cloak

It’s a human, instinct
To self protect, I think
We use barriers to protect us, from other folk
And I kept, mine down
To save her from, falling down
But she couldn’t hold on, the lady in the cloak

I said I was never, addicted
But I couldn’t have, predicted
How those words would come, back to choke
Because now that, she’s gone
My world it feels, all wrong
Cos, I’m missing her, the lady in the cloak

I wait there, in the woods
I met her ghost, weighing the goods
I asked her to fix, what I hoped wasn’t too broke
Even though we’d lost, each other
I still hoped we’d find, each other
Cos, I still wanted her, the lady in the cloak

She’s a grand woman
I remember her smile
I remember her fun
All the chats o’er the miles
We connected so deep
Even though for a short while
Then she was wonderful
Then she made me smile

There’s no time for regrets
Even though my heart is sore
I’ve grieved some
I’m sure I’ll grieve some more
Sure there’s a hole in my life
Where once she was there
She grew word by word
Until I really cared

We tried, it was fun
It was a hell of a ride
We travelled way too briefly
Together, side by side
I thought there’s more in it
I thought there’s more to come
But we couldn’t hold on
And now it’s all done

I won’t forget her
But she won’t hold me back
I’ll keep the rope tight
Now’s no time for slack
I’ve still got more energy
I’m not lost or stuck
I’ve loads more to give
With effort and luck

The sun always rises
After the dark of night
Nothing good comes
Without some kind of fight
I’m ready for tomorrow
But I’ll enjoy today’s sun
I’ll grieve as I need
But then I’ll move on

We hide behind barriers
To protect ourselves from harm.
Sometimes I wonder if we act
Too quickly to the first alarm
Grace under pressure
I find it so hard to do
Did I act too rashly
I really tried to enjoy you

Another broke down today
Why now, not years ago?
She hid behind a wall of anger
What was behind I did not know
Did that wall serve her well
Or isolate her from the world and me
Only she will know if it served her
Well or ineffectively

I find that barriers often cause,
More barriers to be raised
Or we lower and raise them,
Out of sync instead of phased
We advance and then retreat,
Hurt with every misread signal-bruise
Alone, of course we’re free
But alone we often lose

In the end we’re together
Because we can’t bear to be apart
If we can’t break down barriers
Then we can’t connect our hearts
Maybe we’re not attracted enough
Maybe the chemistry isn’t there
In the end to make it work
We need to really care

You caught me as I was falling
Out of the mist there rose the sun
As I climbed back on high
I felt the healing had begun

I began to mend the cracks
Yesterday darkness might’ve won
But today I was strong enough
Now the healing had begun

You have so much love to give
You had little time to give me some
I wish I could’ve given you more
Now the healing has begun

In the past you were chosen
This time I was the one
You filled me up with love
Until the healing had begun

Your smile I will remember
Your love and your fun
I’ll always remember the dream
And how the healing had begun