Thus I Wrote

I have some money
It serves some needs
But it won’t, set, me free
I dream of the future
I still have some fears
I still have some chains, that pull, at me

I can’t change much
But I can change me
And I can’t do much
But I, can, be free

I built a house
I wanted to feel safe
It’s what the world, sees, of me
Now I’m opening my doors
I wanna let some light in
And maybe I’ll see, more, clearly

I can’t change much
But I can change me
And I can’t do much
But I, can, be free

Now and then
I slow down…
I feel the earth turn,
Our planet sigh

Sun on my face
Birds sing
Breeze in the trees
Then a butterfly

Soulful music
I breathe…
In the moment
I escape outside

To those who have accepted their fate
To those who live with grace
To those who do not follow
But take their own path

To those who live now
To those who laugh long
To those who love all
May they incur no wrath

I heard that they clapped, the people in the streets
There were so many, none of them I would meet
I wondered then, how much do they really know?

As we fought on the frontline, this new enemy
We were frightened and lonely because we couldn’t see
There was so much then that we didn’t know.

There was not enough testing, not enough PPE
That’s why her apology seemed insulting to me
We need honest support & not a political show

We live in the moment, we live to fight on
We give all we’ve got, to save someone
We’ve no time to think, Are we going to go?

We serve each other, more connected than we thought
We depend on each other, more equal than we thought
But will you remember that when this is all oe’r

Lockdown saves lives but at what a cost
The damage to the economy and all the jobs lost
Who will reap that which we now sow?

They started too late, they went their own way
They lost time but its not what they’ll say
But questions mount as deaths continue to grow

We live in the moment, we live to fight on
We give all we’ve got, to save someone
We’ve no time to think, Are we going to go?

We serve each other, more connected than we thought
We depend on each other, more equal than we thought
But will you remember that when this is all oe’r

I hear the word hero
I think nobility
Some great achievement
And courage I see

But is hero a tool
Within the culture we grow
To reap from others
More than we sow

Do heroes give to others
More than they receive?
While such a calculation
Is bad most believe.

So is a medal and praise
Reward enough?
While others live it well
And heroes live it rough

In our selfish culture
Surely all will soon see
To be a hero for others
Could be a mug for me

Inspiration: Hodgkin

I have some money
It serves some needs
But it won’t set me free
I have dark chains
Born in my past
But they still pull at me

I have dreams of the future
I have some fears
They’re hidden deep inside of me
I fight for control
But often I find
That my fears they control me

I can’t change much
But I can change me
I can’t do much
But I can be free

I built a house
I wanted to feel safe
Now it’s all the world sees of me
And I’ve lately found
That it distorts
The world that I can see

So I’ll open my doors
I’ll remove my chains
Then I’ll see more clearly
I’ll connect more
I’ll give more
Then I’ll live more freely

I can’t change much
But I can change me
I can’t do much
But I can be free

I had a dream. I was on an escalator taking me into the future. I could not get off. Or go back.

My fate, my destiny was fixed. At the end was darkness. I was glad to wake up.

My challenge in the present is to distract myself from that paralysing vision. To live the best I can….for as long as I can.

I have my relationships, those I love. These are my priority.

I am “retired”. But I choose not to accept this as I feel that to be alive means I must add value. I must make things better. I must fix things. I must reinvent myself.

I’m creating a home. I’m learning a new language. I write and compose music. I travel.

But I yearn for more. I am restless for more.

I consider the problems of the age – Inequality, Housing for the next Generation, Climate Change, Innovation, Productivity, Communication, Politics and Democracy. Can I help create a new Politics? Can I help reduce Inequality? Can I help produce new Climate Change policies? Or are all these but distractions. In the end I am on the escalator. In the end I will add little value except perhaps to those I love.

I have dark days. I have good days. But what is life without struggle?

I remember a line in my song “We are Not Alone“…
“ I did not plan for this but now I vow to live it well”.

At 61 I chose to live on the top floor of a big house on the top of a hill with a view of Alexandra Palace and the Sky. There was no lift and three flights of stairs from the street to the top floor.

I could walk to my partner’s flat down the hill to the left and to Crouch End village down the hill to the right, both within 10 mins.

Following my illness I had gambled on my health being good for at least 10 years into the future. I had chosen to position myself ready for the next challenge. I had chosen to reinvent myself. The future was uncertain with only the ultimate end clear. My recent past was turbulent.

I chose a base that did not require too much work. However, while it had much that was new, there was still much to do. It took more time and effort than I had anticipated. It would take a while before I would feel safe. Before I would consider it home.