Thus I Wrote

Your words explode in my head
And I freeze with pain…
My stomach’s in a knot
And I’m back here again

Like a knife on a taut rope
Back and forth until I fall
Into the lonely darkness
Surrounded by a dark wall

Such warmth and such joy
You offer on a good day
But on a dark day a knife
That makes me hurt & pay
That makes me lose myself
And my demons to recover
Who take my voice
Who launch and takeover..

Your every word an arrow
Shot true and sharp
Cut through my defence
And straight into my heart

I was slow and feeble
Against your rapier thrusts
Before I knew where I was
I was hooked on unjust
I had responded
In a battle I did not choose
And it was a battle
That I would always lose

You force a crisis
You ignore my pleas
You parry my defence
You thrust and seize
Your satisfaction prize
You see my wound bleed
You see me hurt silent
“Oh Stay… let me feed…”
You think “Its your fault
By all that you do,
I forget my pain
By inflicting it on you”.

And so I withdraw
To let my wounds heal
To analyse and to write
To process what I feel

Grey limestone celtic cross
Grey cold autumn day
Leafless trees sway
And crows fly away

Is this my only monument?
As this cold silence bleeds
Above where the worms breed?
Where the earth waits to feed?

Is there no love?
A transaction of give and take
No forgiveness for our sins
And so our hearts just break

Is this the autumn?
A foreboding of winter ahead
The life and colours of Summer
All now blown and fled.

Did you break it?
And did you betray?
Or actually did I, then?
I was just in your way?

When we signed
What did we actually agree?
How would I love you?
And how would you love me?

If I don’t make you happy
Are you free to go?
Free to find your happiness
And step on me as you go?

We had a written contract
And a commitment called marriage
But when love went out the window
The wheels came off that carriage

Was the real contract written
In blood, in our hearts?
And when the blood, it cooled
You decided we should part

I was hurt and I was angry
And fearful of course
But of our faults together
I believe we share the source

I want now to heal
So I will let go
Of all anger and blame
And this takes time I know…

Let us go then you and I
With the sun low in the sky
Let us hold hands and walk
And fall into a gentle talk
Let us cross the river
Let us kiss and each deliver
Our happy moments together

Let us forget the unspoken
Words and promises broken
Let us forget our yesterday
Full of debts we should pay
I know we have a tension
Of things not to mention
In our happy moments together

I have a burning desire
To take it to the wire
To shout and converse
To disturb the universe
To answer the overwhelming question
And so release my tension
Before our happy moments together

When we dance I forget
All the things that I regret
I feel myself changing
Something inside rearranging
And my old life dying
I am free and flying
In our happy moments together

Can I conquer myself so
I may be free to go
And love you dearly
And see you clearly
To live each moments past
As if they were our last
Happy moments together

I live on Dean Street
And I pay rent every week
I work in a local bar
Too noisy even to speak

I have a child of two
From a man long gone
Then love made me forget
That I was just a pawn

I walk in the park
With my child of two
The birds fly by
And the sun shines through

Couples walk on
With their children in tow
And the fun that they have
Is something that I don’t know

I dance alone now..
The curtains are shut
The lights are low
I am Beautiful
Look at Me now..
I am Extraordinary
I am Shining
I am Powerful
I am Flying
Look at Me now..
I am Transforming
I am Flying
Look at Me now..

I was blind
It didn’t enter my mind
She was just beautiful to me
I was meritocratic
I was democratic
She was just beautiful to me

Come to me
Who strive to see
You are beautiful to me
I am blind
If you are kind
You are beautiful to me

Come to me
Who strive to be
You are beautiful to me
Your sweat and tears
Your laughter and fears
You are beautiful to me

Let’s go to sleep
I was appealing
Oh, please tell me
What you’re feeling

(It was the aftermath
In the moonlight
And my eyes were heavy
After our loving night)

Are you happy
With how we are?
Yes, of course darling
Together we’ve come far

Tell me your dreams
What do you believe?
What do you want?
And hope to receive

Uh…What…?
It’s late & this is deep
Let’s just agree…
To cuddle and to sleep

But I’m afraid…
And it’s lonely if I hide
I need your love
To fill the emptiness inside

Uh…Did I dream?
Did you want some tea?
I’ve been working so hard
And I’m so sleepy…you see?

I drifted off to sleep
So I couldn’t see her
As she turned over quietly
And wiped away her tear

Let us go then you and I
With the evening spread out against the sky
Let us go, through the certain half deserted streets
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster shells
Oh do not ask “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo

There will be time, there will be time
Beyond the fog that slides along the street
To prepare a face for the faces that we meet
Time for you and time for me
Before the taking of toast and tea
For a hundred indecisions
For a hundred visions and revisions

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo

Time to wonder:”Do I dare?” and “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair
Do I dare, disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Because I have known them already, known them all
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons
Heard their voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas

Would it have been worth it, after all
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me
Would it have been worth while?
To have bitten off the matter with a smile
To say: ” I am Lazarus, come from the dead”
If one, settling a pillow by her head
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all,
That is not it at all.”

I grow old…I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us and we drown.

I remember the cracks
You felt out of control
You felt lonely and hurt
And you blamed my role

So did I not love you?
Enough to stop your fear grow?
Did I let the emptiness
Creep into your soul?

Or was there a seed sown
In your lonely childhood?
That so choked your heart
And so froze your blood?

But by what strange alchemy
Can we so change our state?
From such bright love
To such anger and hate?

So as we drew our lines
And we fought to stalemate
Our union became a patient
That we dissected on a plate

But still, it felt a shock
Like a punch to the heart
I thought we could mend
But you said we must part

Later that night
I remember it well
You came to my room
In the St James Hotel

And so began my quest
To make you mine
With flowers and jewels
With laughter and wine

We were sky and earth
We were wind and sea
But we fitted each other
Like a lock and key

I gave you protection
I gave you children and a home
And enough love to fill
The space in your soul

So we agreed to join
As we surfed our wave
And we both felt valued
For the love we both gave

I wake in the morning
My gut tense with fear
Going nowhere fast, revving hard
I’m stuck in first gear

I have a coffee
Trying to clear my head
Before my thoughts spill out
Into something I said

I then think of him
And have done since he died
His gaze unwavering
I never knew him to hide

He never seemed worried
About being left behind
And his ignorance never
Seemed to clutter his mind

Behind his kindness
And out of view
He was on praying terms
With a God I once knew

And was it by accident?
Or was it by design?
That he had a pure heart
And a calm, simple mind

When I was with him
I forgot panic and fear
And basked in the warmth
Of having love near