Thus I Wrote

We nurtured apple trees
In the late summer sun
She studied horticulture
My study was just done
She smoked brown cigarillos
I thought she was cool
She smiled enigmatically
I felt an uncertain fool

I fancied her but I hid
As I tried to be aloof
Clint Eastwood or Paul Newman
They were my guiding proof
I was very inexperienced
Very clumsy with emotions
I played in the shallows
Afraid of drowning in her ocean

We got together somehow
In that summer long and hot
I was leaving Ireland
Our time together was so short
To a play in the Abbey
We chose a film together later
We drank our first wine
We laughed & tipped the waiter

We kissed in the dark
On the grass in Trinity college
What’s next for us she whispered?
I do not know, I acknowledged
She asked…can you stay?
But I wouldn’t be deflected
Now I see a candle light
Brighter now than when rejected

I was so tentative
I was feeling my way
She seemed confident and sure
Whispering to me as we lay
Her tenderness surprised me
As did her young desire
With her warmth radiating
Through her jeans like a fire

The smoky passion of her kiss
Said maybe she wanted more
But I was so much younger then
And inexperienced to my core
We tearfully kissed goodbye
Along the quays I was blown
To catch the last bus home
I thought of her…alone.

“I’m not in love”, so the song said
As we danced through our time spent
In the dimly lit country hall
Where I asked you what it meant.
You smiled and you explained
Oh..you were so new on the scene
You had red hair and freckles
You were 15 to my, oh so mature, 17

We laughed a lot together
We had something I needed
In my heart I felt something new
But I’d not learned how to read it.
I ripped away all who wanted me then
In a dark field I was blind
For a physical and mature experience
I left your innocence behind

And I often wonder why
And I often regret
The voice calling in the darkness
“A nice bit of fluff” my dad said…
I was 21, I asked her to my party…
But like some movie oversight
She waited for me as I expected her
And so we passed like ships in the night.

A year earlier I was a fool
I asked someone honourable to break
I wanted her to leave another
She knew it would be a mistake…
Now she moves in my shadows
My ghost from my yesterday
Alive but dead to my touch
In a picture that will never decay

In Austria, future-past forgotten
Above to down below
Crisp air, mountain views
Blue sky, white snow.
They circle up and down
Under beating sun they flow
They snake up and down
Swish and crunch they go

In Egypt, sun-sand and youth
Green leaves, blue sky
Light breeze on open sea
No time to ask why.
I dive to fly below
Over the dappled sea floor
With the fish, the coloured fish
To dance together once more.

Later, Cairo backstreets,
Noisy, sweaty humanity,
Spice-smell and cloth-swish,
In touch-close proximity.
I was going nowhere…,
In a sea of carriages
I was on my own…,
Between two marriages.

She moves through my flowers
She swims in my sea
She rides on my waves
She floats on my breeze
She wakes in my dreams
She moves in my shadows
She smiles in my party
She paints in my Picasso

In Greece, I saw her
I saw her ride the waves,
I saw her tame the wind
I felt the leap my heart gave.
I was drawn to her
On that sea of blue-green
I surfed out to meet her
To make fate intervene.

I floated to her
Something called my name
I was drawn to her
Like a moth to a flame.
We dived in for beauty
Over the dappled sea bed
We came up for air
And found each other instead.

The music played sirtaki
The wine set us free
The long tables hummed
With social cacophony.
Fleetingly, beauty was ours
In our hands, in our grasp
But quickly flow the sands of time
Deaf to what we ask.

She moves through my candles
She dances in my fire
She stares in my darkness
She sings in my choir
She runs in my forest
She bleeds in my moon
She drinks in my stream
She loves in my room

The room had many lamps
And many more lit candles
The doors were all closed
I saw the winking handles

The chiffon drapes billowed
The were purest white I think
There was a darkness outside
You stared without a blink

Were there rose petals on the floor?
Did they perfume my naked feet?
My throat felt so dry
And my heart skipped a beat

My words fell lifeless
It was not a good start
You did not understand
My expresso heart

I smelt coffee beans roasting
And hyacinth in the air
I felt the breeze rise again
It moved a tendril of your hair

I felt heat reach out nearby
The crackle of logs on fire
You licked your lips slowly
As I felt compelled to enquire

“What are you saying
With your perfect ankle boots?
With your red lipstick
And your white linen suit?”

Nothing else exists now, even death is spurned
My raging silent storm will scorch and burn
Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.

The promises we made as we faced each other
I offered my mind and my body to you
Our lives we joined as we faced each other
I offered to cherish and to love you

Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years later
Was my beauty wasted on you?
Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years later
Was my love wasted on you?

Who will give me justice for this affair?
Why did you cheat and lie with her?
Did I not love and cherish you more ?
Is my fading beauty not enough anymore?

I stare into a future on a lonely shelf
I cry with grief and I hold on to myself
I was beginning to like the self I had learned
But now doubts and questions have returned

Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years later
Was my beauty wasted on you?
Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years later
Was my love wasted on you?

Nothing else exists now, even death is spurned
My raging silent storm will scorch and burn
Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.

The promises we made as we faced each other
I offered my beauty and my body to you
Our lives we joined as we faced each other
I offered to cherish and to love you

Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years together
All that time gone, my beauty wasted on you
Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years together
All that time gone, my love wasted on you

Oh the grief. . .my loneliness learned
Oh the grief. . .my stomach churned
Heaven has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turned
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.

Why?. . . did I not love you enough?
Why?. . . did I not cherish you enough?
Why?. . . did I not provide enough?
Why?. . . was I not exciting enough?

Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years together
All that time gone, my beauty wasted on you
Ah. . . Look at me now, 14 years together
All that time gone, my love wasted on you

Oh the anguish. . . my life has turned
Oh the anguish. . . my future spurned
Heaven has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turned
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.

No justice for the death of love in this affair
For the death of confidence, no it’s all not fair
What God had joined now wrenched apart and left bare
With a world cold and silent without care

Oh. . . Look at me now, 14 years together
All that time gone, my beauty wasted on you
Oh. . . Look at me now, 14 years together
All that time gone, my love wasted on you

And now it seems strange
But yesterday you were mine
And tomorrow you’ll be gone
But I know you’ll be fine

Its not the end of my book
Just the end of a page
I gave to the world
And this is my wage
I’ll turn it over
And to the top I’ll go
I’ll read on without you
But I’ll read on slow

I fell from the top
Of your shiny glass wall
I held on too tight
‘Til it wasn’t me at all

Its not the end of my book
Just the end of a page
I gave to the world
And this is my wage
I’ll turn it over
And to the top I’ll go
I’ll read on without you
But I’ll read on slow

I eat bread with olives
And drink wine now and then
As the sun sinks on the terrace
I remember you back when

Its not the end of my book
Just the end of a page
I gave to the world
And this is my wage
I’ll turn it over
And to the top I’ll go
I’ll read on without you
But I’ll read on slow

Oh, if you invited me
I could not refuse
I would dive right in
Like I’d nothing to lose

Lead me not into temptation
Because I’m wrong for you
Because I can’t do now
What would be best for you

But oh, to steal a kiss
Just once or twice tonight
As we walk and we talk
In the winter moonlight

Last night was a dream
But now I’m awake
In my head there’s a memory
And in my gut a dull ache

Shared my life with you
But that’s all over now
Lately, we didn’t love much
And now we’ve forgotten how

We met way back when
We were almost young
And we so wanted love
That together we clung

We were driven by desires
We didn’t fully understand
We were tripped by feelings
We never could command

Was love just the drug
That made us forget?
All of the differences
That we came to regret?

We weren’t always right
But we were right for each other
And now we’re not wrong
But we’re wrong for each other

Its a feeling
That grew since we met
Your beauty
Your laughter
Your sexuality
Your wanting me
Your loving me

I felt a kindred spirit
A certain spirituality
A bonding of spirits
You were earth
And I was sky