Thus I Wrote

Most of the time, I feel alright
Most of the time, I keep myself in the light
I don’t think about tomorrow, I enjoy today
I don’t think about yesterday, and how it all passed away
I face my fears, I don’t let them do me wrong
I think I’ve turned the corner, I’ve forgotten her now she’s gone
Most of the time

Most of the time, I say the right thing
Most of the time, I can keep secrets in
I don’t drink too much, I don’t get too loud
I’m kind, I smile and I’m fun to be around
I accept there are no answers, even after all I’ve read
I forget how she left and all the hurtful things she said
Most of the time

Most of the time, I’m loyal and true
Most of the time, I’m open to something new
I’m sensitive to promises, that mustn’t be broken
I don’t keep quiet, when I should’ve spoken
No, I’m a clear light, in the turbulent storm
And when it was cold, I kept her warm
Most of the time

Most of the time
I’m moving too fast
To remember all the victories
That I thought would last
Most of the time
I’ve forgotten her
I’ve learned how to survive
I’ve learned how to endure

Most of the time, I don’t try to hide
Most of the time, I can handle my feelings inside
I don’t cheat on myself, with shallow distractions
I’m not a prisoner of options, on the path to my actions
I don’t compromise, I don’t pretend
I don’t care if I never see her again
Most of the time

 

This poem is inspired by Most of The Time by the great Bob Dylan from the Album Oh Mercy. It is also used in a scene from the film High Fidelity with John Cusack, Iben Hjejle et al.

May you feel joyful
May you never measure the love you bring
May you smile and be kind
May you give and let your soul sing

May you have those you love around you
May you enjoy listening to what they say
May you enjoy being together
With your loved ones on Christmas Day

Happy Christmas….x

I try to love you but I am repulsed
I feel rejected as I have for so long
I’m on the wrong page and now I’m feeling my age
I just keep on getting it wrong

The scales they tip in my weighing mind
But they’ve tipped your way for too long
I’ve given ’til it hurts and now it hurts too much
I just keep on getting it wrong

I’ve built the boundaries that make me
They protect me in the throng
I’ve moved them on, ’til a part of me feels gone
I just keep on getting it wrong

I know perception is your reality
And my caricature is so strong
I need a new brand and to deal a new hand
I just keep on getting it wrong

Now every morning I knock on doors
Cos to live I need to belong
For my learning heart, it’s the hardest part
I just keep on getting it wrong

The sun shines down on last night’s frost
And in the quiet I hear a bird’s song
I think of Spring and the changes I’ll ring
Cos I just keep on getting it wrong

You reach out through clumsy words,
Through shared things and scenes
You want me to like them too,
And for a while I miss what you mean…

Your music is alien to me,
I see what their faces lack,
I listen to their stories,
And it brings me all the way back.
This was the country I left behind,
A country of catholic sin,
A country alien to me,
But that they felt at home in.
Once I thought I was better,
But now I just feel alone,
I have no real country,
And I have no real home.
I ripped all that tried to cling to me,
Because I needed to be free,
To travel on my quest,
To find out who I must be.
To become the butterfly,
I shed my caterpillar skin,
And on a wheel of stone,
The start has now come again…

Then I hold your hand,
I listen and watch you smile,
Now love drowns our differences
After a little while.

The fruits of our dating
In that room of waiting
In that room of life and death
The bed was bloody red
Where she had bloody bled
And this was where we first met

Fighting contractions
And wired inaction
She fought till tired and worn
In that lonely room
In our own cocoon
From bleeding flesh they were torn

In the silent peace
Of the aftermath release
She was too exhausted to respond
My child explored
While I adored
And we formed an unbreakable bond

I tried to be strong
As I went along
But was guilty of many thoughtless sins
I hope my love is the base
That gives them the grace
To be happy in their own skins

Economically they strive
As people they thrive
And I’m proud of their success
They’re my lifelong joy
And the love they employ
Is a constant in my happiness

Now then moody puss,
Have I’ve done something wrong?
I see you’ve got that frown again,
I see  you’ve got your face on.
I feel your silent disapproval,
I feel the tension of a trigger,
Behind angry words all ready,
To shoot me down with vigour.

We used to laugh and joke around,
And lighten up our day.
Maybe with a glass of wine,
And romantic interplay,
It’s hard to remember cuddles now,
On a day like today,
When you’re all argumentative,
No matter what I say.

Yeah, well I’m sorry,  I really am,
But work needed me late.
I’m no good at these arguments,
And you always win these debates,
That happen often and it hurts,
When you say that I don’t care.
Well, of course I do, I really do,
But… this is getting us nowhere.

I made her feel special
For a moment that night
But she’s “in a relationship”
Now I wonder what might

Could I bottle that feeling
And use it later on?
When silences are growing
And that magic has just gone?

We’re in a noisy world
Full of insecurity and tension
Could I create a special bubble?
And maintain her special attention?

We’re in a noisy world
Full of allure and distraction
For better or worse
Would I follow through with action?

But life is built on moments
One good memory at a time
And I’d create special memories
So she feels special and mine

I met a beautiful woman
Unexpected that night
And the universe clicked
Because something felt right

We had only a moment
But I felt something stir
I offered myself tentatively
I offered myself to her

Oh..Sometimes we reach out
And touch another’s soul
In ways that go deeper
Than ever we know

She was a gift
Offering hope it seems
A light in the distance
A glimpse of a dream

I made her feel special
For a moment in time
She opened my heart again
…..I think I’ll be fine

In the silence of other voices
We spoke to each other quietly
In the dark my body cries out
It longs for you nightly

We have fears and uncertainties
In our past we have regrets there
I desire to see you smile
My heart burns with simple care

We will leave our offerings behind
And our children will thank or rage
They will add their own offerings
To our connected internet age

Our failures are the salt of life
In between try and achieve
They shine and polish our gifts
To find our purpose and believe

I do not have elegance
Or sophisticated taste
I do not have subtlety
Or socially expected grace

I’m certainly glad to see you
In your silk lilac dress
Among the tea, cake and flowers
Oh, what does your look confess?

You are my light in the distance
My hope and my goal
The flesh of all my dreams
And I offer you my soul

And the cotton drapes blew
In the wind from the sea
I was lost in their billowing
And seduced by their revelry

I have a brave heart
And I am kind
I have hope and wonder
And my loyalty is blind

Later the band it played
For all the glittering young things
Who laughed, danced and waved
All their diamonds and rings

But we left in secret
To a secret garden tree
And under the twinkling lights
I kissed you and you kissed me

I was optimistic & full of hope
To achieve my dream at last
But I swam against the current,
Bearing me ceaselessly into the past

And one by one my lights went out
I was broken up like glass
Upon the hard malice
Of a cruel and careless class