Thus I Wrote

I don’t like being weighed
And measured
And judged
And found wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
I’m not right
I’m not good enough again

But equally I don’t like weighing
And measuring
And judging
And finding her wanting again
I don’t like the visceral pain
Of rejection
And her not feeling right
And her feeling not good enough again

In the middle of it all
A light
A warmth
I experienced on my way
She turned and said
In a bar somewhere
I get you
I understand all you feel and say

There…I’ve said it
And it is, what it is
In the past, I’ve hid too much
Now my heart’s on my sleeve

Too many barriers and longings
In the space between us both
I feel life’s too precious now
Not to go for the throat

All this stuff was swirling
All around my heart and head
I wanted to connect with you
Did I add another barrier instead?

Ah…but there’s a mystery
Deep in a woman’s heart
And words are unlikely to change
Our chemistry from the start

Now I’ve laid myself out
Before her as she walks
And flickering across her face
Is that her desire as she talks?

She chose the one she loved the most
And I who loved me the most
Her love it banished my fears
And we grew and unfurled
Hand in hand to serve the world
Together throughout the years

I never knew the power she gave
The joy or sadness I gave
By what my face would say
Like not giving all my attention
When she wanted to mention
All the little things in her day

I watched a woman to the end
As she talked to her friend
With such concentrated attention
It was a masterclass
In the beautiful art
Of the active listening dimension

Today I’m putting
My armour back on
I’ve been in a battle
But I was dressed so wrong
I went in open
I went in kind
It’s been so long
It’d all left my mind

I got my sword now
I can keep’em at bay
I’ve been listening too much
Now I’m going to have my say
I’ve been wounded easily
I got some blood from the fight
I tried a few barks
Now I’ll try a few bites

My boundaries are too soft
I sent wrong signals out
I spoke in whispers
They just wanted to shout
They just pushed real hard
I allowed them in
But that’s not kindness
Letting them win

I will be assertive
I don’t need no aggression
I don’t need no sly jokes
Or any condescension
I will respect those
Who will respect me
But I will cut those
Who try to cut me

I’ve read signals wrong
I assumed too much subtlety
But now if it’s not clear
It will just miss me
When they want something
Then they must clearly ask
Cos reading signals wrong
Is too simple a task

I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve
My gut is all wrenched up
I’m feeling all emotional
I just gotta toughen up

It ain’t what I need
It’s what I give will make the cut
I’ll stop leaking emotionally
I just gotta toughen up

I got some rejection
And that’s now stirring me up
It’s giving me some focus
I just gotta toughen up

Did I force the situation
Ask them drink too early from the cup?
I was not killed so I’ll be stronger
I just gotta toughen up

I’m brave enough to try
To keep on going when I’m beat up
I’m wounded but I’m still learning
I just gotta toughen up

Life is rejection
I’m not alone in feeling messed up
Life is trying
I just gotta toughen up

I don’t have peace now
Because I miss you
Or I miss the thought of you
The warmth of you

I don’t have peace now
Because something’s missing
I dream of kissing…
And of other things

I pull down the stars
To put them in your eyes
I dream of your smile
As I watch the sun rise
I dream of your voice
When I hear bird song
But, still, among the flowers
I feel something’s wrong

I don’t have peace now
Because I don’t have you
And I may never have you
As I may never know you
Are you a shimmering mirage?
Made of my hopeful schemes?
And all my yesterdays?
And all my dreams?

But just the thought of you
Just the chance of you
Just the glimpse of you
Fills me with desire
And I’m glad to be so alive again
Filled with desire

They say that she was from the East
She was warm and cool
Pale skin and green eyes
That looked straight through you

She had a room in Carnaby street
She loved it there
But she couldn’t afford it
Without working extra there

She took me in
The light was a hazy red
From the shawl draped
Over the lamp beside the bed
Incense smoke was floating
Above the nervousness in the room
She smiled and opened up
The wine I’d brought home
She poured and let it flow
Over the past where we didn’t roam

We looked at the cracks in the ceiling
As she blew black cigarette smoke
Her perfumed belly moved
When she laughed at my joke
In the red twilight we were the same
Looking for something
Looking for someone
To hold onto

Later, I heard she’d left
Everything was gone, She’d moved on
Maybe, she found something
Maybe, she found someone
To hold onto

Hey B, I hear you
But I ain’t no mushroom
You’re so hot on the stage
And so cold in the bedroom

You say you’re not happy
You say it’s my fault
Well that’s your wound
And that’s your salt

I worked with Becky
We had some platonic fun
But you made the bullet
And you pointed the gun

And what’s with the hive?
All them sisters now onside
Saying you’re now a victim
You know that’s not right

I love you baby
I want to see you happy
I never want to hurt you
But you gotta believe me

I love you baby
But you gotta move on
If we can’t stop hurting
Then we’ll soon be gone

I remember my house by the beach
We looked at the waves for hours
And the moon appeared among the stars
We listened to the music that became ours
Your father and mother were gone
And you were now on your own
I guess my noisy family and I
Made you feel less alone

You introduced me to Italy
To Venice, Florence and Rome
You were well travelled
I’d spent most of my time at home
I hated the Italian drivers
The Pont de Vecchio looked third world to me
I turned my back on Florence
But I awoke to the beauty of Tuscany

I liked how you arranged your hair
I liked the feeling of your home
I felt comfortable there, it felt real
It was a warm, curved, feminine poem
I liked to watch you laugh and move
I liked your creative, independent mind
I was attracted by your beauty
But you won my heart when you were kind

I found myself one morning, I was looking at the lines on my face
I wondered how I got there, how did I come to this place
I tried to keep my options open, over what next I would do
I never really knew myself, so how could I ever really know you?

In London I saw you dancing, And then we talked over drinks for a while
You laughed and said it’s not the time, it’s the wear and it’s the miles
I smiled as I tried to read you, I tried to predict what next you would do
But that was before I learned, I could never really know you.

You said after a party, “You fall in love with every pretty thing”
“You just love making women laugh, all the dancing and the flirting”
“Maybe you are shallow, Maybe you just blow with the wind”
“Or maybe I just can’t read you, so I fear that you have sinned”

We listened to Jimi Hendrix, his version of Dylan’s Watchtower
I wondered why it resonated, and what gave it that beauty and power
I asked you what you thought, but it seemed like it went over your head
You said that you preferred, some spiritual Indian music instead.

We drank too much and talked about stuff,  about love’s great mystery
Oh why do we fall in and out of love, why do we search ceaselessly?
I asked “Is it just a transaction, A simple exchange of value”
You said “That’s way too crude, That’s a very unromantic view”.

In the evening light on the pavement, I sat with my glass of red wine
I heard many conversations, that I wished were part of mine
I’m in a boat on the ocean, I guess that’s how I stay afloat
But the ocean calls me seductively, “dive in, its time to leave the boat”.