Thus I Wrote

I had lost sight
Of where I ended and others began
I had stretched my personal boundaries
Way too far for an effective man
My core was now too vulnerable
I felt subject to mortal attack
I felt too much for my survival
I was way too defensive as I fought back.

So mild criticism was then shot down
With angry verbal assault
As if my core being was under threat
And I felt it was always their fault
I needed to differentiate
Between my core and other things
Like people, attributes and activities
Despite all the value that they bring.

Because in my core being
I’m not my team or the work I choose
I’m not my friends, family or country
My mantra now is “I’m not my shoes”

 

Inspired by a story in “Love’s Executioner” by Irving D. Yalom.

1. Creation

After wandering many days and nights
I found myself on a desert hill
I saw a bush begin to burn
And I heard a voice quiet and still

“The solemnity and grandeur of the universe
Refusing the deadening influence of conformity
Rose through a process of unification
Through the dark quiet of time’s enormity

To every wonder-bright plain and the turning seas
And with all the diversities of existence utilised
And so nothing, nothing is lost
‘Til time, stardust and circumstance improvised

Then from the darkness, something grew
And mankind evolved to where you now be
A brief glorious pulsation
In the black hole of eternity.”

2. The grim knowledge of Reality

I was led to a beautiful garden
To a tree with forbidden fruit
When I was ready I was persuaded to eat
And a new grim knowledge took root

In a vision I see an abyss of reality
Where we’re ultimately Alone
And things fade, like love to loss
And Death’s inevitable I’m shown
We’ve no obvious Meaning
Or no sense to our lives
We’ve Freedom and the duty to make
What we will of our lives
With alternatives excluded we choose
One path with fear and invention.
But the wise, within these grim truths,
Find the seeds of wisdom and redemption.

3. The soft gauze of Illusion

I cried, “This bare knowledge fills me with anxiety
I need certainty, I need meaning
I don’t want to be alone or to die
Can you rescue me by intervening?”

The voice said: “I can offer the soft gauze of illusion
By which you can transform and deny
I offer magic and enchantment
I offer pipe dreams and vital lies
Follow the siren call of illusion
The sense of safety it affords
Use self deception as a shield
And use distraction as a sword
You will be comforted by beliefs
Of your ultimate rescuer and you’re unique
Illusions that cheer and comfort
But ultimately may not deliver what you seek
Because knowing is better than not knowing
And venturing better than not
Illusions may be alluring and effective
But may isolate and stunt the growth you’ve got
You can take a leap of irrational faith
Into a great shared delusion
Religion can comfort but beware
It may create more problems than solutions.”

“I will wrap myself in illusion
And I will get busy with my life
There is too much to do and to enjoy
To worry too much about truth and strife”

“Yes, many do, but, sooner or later,
You must face the truths of existence
Your illusions may comfort you
But keep others at a distance
You may be isolated from a loved one
Because of their illusion as a defence
And it cannot be removed easily
Without replacing it with something else”

“So tell me of these truths of existence
And must I live a life free of illusion?
I think the world will appear very bare
And too much reality will mean exclusion”

“I will tell you later and you are free to choose
Be guided by what’s effective for you
Do not weaken your spirit by too much illusion
Remain aware and you’ll know what’s right for you”

4. The Truths of Existence

I search until later in the firelight
I meet a prophet with a bearded face
He said “don’t hide in delusion or illusion
Seek the truth and live in grace
Have no fear and seek always to confront
The truths of your existence
Harness their power for growth
And for change with persistence.”

4.1 You are ultimately Alone

“There is a gap between you
Even those you love have shown
This will never be fully bridged
Because you’re born and die alone.
The experiences of another
Are unyieldingly private and unknown
Though you try two by two or in groups
It still breaks through that you’re alone.”

“You may hide from isolation
You may create a false solution
And use another as a shield
To melt into an unnatural fusion.
Self awareness breeds anxiety
That with fusion you may lose
But also lose yourselves
So the wise wouldn’t choose.
Not enough relating,
And not enough care
Too much hiding
No self awareness there.
Now cut off from others
This relationship feeds upon itself
Neither giving to or caring about others
And finally caves-in on itself.”

“Healthy interpersonal relationships
Are rewarding and gratifying
And though caring and deeply human
They’re still mystifying
Though you’re ultimately alone
And you’re in our own boat
You still get much comfort
From the lights of those nearby afloat.”

4.2 There is no obvious Meaning

“You’re built this way
To seek meaning in things
So you ask questions
That no-one or nothing is answering.
All your accomplishments & your solar system
Will one day in its time
Suffer destruction and lie in ruins
With no apparent reason or rhyme.
But you seek meaning in the ruins
Of destruction and inevitable death
You seek order and pattern
Among random and un-patterned events
And in so doing try to gain
Some semblance of control
Because meaning is the fertile soil
From which values we grow
Then “Why do I live?” gives way
To How do I live?
And “Why do I give?” gives way
To “How do I give?”
For meaning is found obliquely
And ensues from meaningful activity
From engagement and commitment
And what you give with productivity.”

4.3 Death is inevitable

“At your core there is a conflict
Between the wish to continue to exist
And the awareness of inevitable death
Which you fight and rage to resist
And so you’re ingenious in your ways
To escape death or to deny
You challenge, detoxify and desensitise it
You distract yourselves from when or why
You transform it to something positive
You say you’re just passing on
Or try immortality through works or children
Or maybe through religion believe you live on
And though intellectually you may know
You may unconsciously deny
Because of overwhelming anxiety
You may not want to explore when or why.
You may choose a delusion
That you’re special and you’re unique
Or that you’ve an ultimate rescuer
Who will protect you awake and asleep
The fact of death will destroy you
For this is surely your fate
But the idea of death can save you
If accepted fully before it’s too late.”

4.4 Freedom is a right and a responsibility

“As a civilisation you yearn freedom
And to achieve it many sacrificed and died
You see freedom as your right
But there’s also a duty to which you’re tied
You’re responsible for your own choices
The author of your own life design
But you’re creatures who desire structure
Anxious when nothing will guide or align
And so often the outside world is blamed
For the problems you experience and face
You may believe that you’ve no power
And you’ve no responsibility to change & replace
But change starts with acceptance
For the choices that you’ve made
And then the will to choose and act
Despite feeling anxious and afraid
You may keep your options open
In anxious procrastination
But alternatives must be excluded
To reach your path’s foundation.”

Inspired by the Prologue in “Loves Executioner” by Irving D. Yalom and “Grendel” by John Gardner.

Alas, we’re now long gone
From the warmth, of flesh, and of bone
From a world, that’s forgotten, us
We lie together, here, in stone

We have loved, and we’ve shared our lives
Through laugher and tears, we were never, alone
We have served, the world, together well
And now we’re together, here, in stone

But this hard scene, is not for us
Because we, cannot love, anymore
We hope it brings comfort, to you, still living
To see us together, here, in stone

Don’t worry so much, while you’re still alive
You’ve so much more, than a great King, who’s long gone
The memories of his victories, are now, all worn away
Like our faces, here, in stone

So now hold, your loved ones close
Flesh to flesh, and bone, to bone
Enjoy your life, in every hour, of every day
Until you join us, here, in stone

Man is a half formed thing
He holds hands to try make him whole
Born from the womb of the Earth
An adolescent, ignorant of his role

What question has been asked?
That Man must answer blind
With conquest, invention and chaos
Leaving many used men behind

We see much but not enough
Back billions of years we see
The construction of our universe
From the Big Bang using Relativity

At night I feel so small and helpless
Under the star-filled dark canopy
Will Man just sputter out with the Sun
Or find a way to echo in eternity?

I feel a wind rise at our back
It pushes us ever on
Through the darkness of our own night
To the hope of a new dawn

We were out on the street
Talking’ together about the war
And the background is the night
And the background is so far
You were dressed in black
I could only see your face
You were born across the tracks
But your mind’s in another place

Later you try show me the reason
For all those deaths bloody and red
You call to me through the haze
But I just get lost instead
You were fading, I could barely see you
Can I reach you to make you immune?
Now your face was so dark
You stood in front of the moon

I shared a vision of an army
A marching desert storm in black
Their target an imperfect light
Because it had too many cracks
A wizard told a fairytale
They would be rewarded in heaven soon
The wizard’s face was so dark
He stood in front of the moon

I held your hand and said don’t go
There’s always room in the dark
Let’s stay in this crowded light
Where we can grow and make our mark
I know there are cracks and noise
But here we all sing our own tune
And I’ll still see your face
As we share the light of the moon

I dream of the river
Its long journey to find
The silent, deep ocean
And by that journey defined
Under the sunlight, drenched trees
With fresh youthful purpose it goes
Past the flowers and the bees
To finally meander and slow

I dream of the ocean
In the moonlight, silent and deep
I dream of a breeze in the palm trees
On the beach where I sleep
I see mermaids ride the waves,
They ride horses white and wild
They sing to me in the breeze
“Come, let us embrace you, child”

I dream of the Earth
I see blue and white as it turns
And all alone in the darkness
Where our precious light of life burns
Oh, we take you for granted
This beautiful spaceship we call home
We forget we need you and each other
Is this why we feel disconnected and alone?

I dream of the river
The life we’ve all seen
I dream of the ocean
That stretches out between
I dream of the Earth
Turning lost and alone
Will we ever be the answer?
Will we ever be fully grown?

I dream I’m not really here,
I’m fading away to my outline
I’m a wave lost in the ocean
I’m only what I’ve left behind

I play a song on an old guitar
I’m trying to find the key
I can find all the right notes
But the door’s still closed to me

Am I losing my grasp
Of all that I hold true?
Or am I shedding old skin
Growing into something new?

I lie awake in the moonlight
I feel the warm summer breeze
Then it’s dark without the moon
But never too dark to see

I think of that hot summer
We had such beauty and power
We laughed, brown from the sun
Was that our finest hour?

I didn’t mind not seeing you
‘Cos I knew you could be found
I’m finding it hard now I know
You’ll never be around

I lie awake in the moonlight
I feel the warm summer breeze
Then it’s dark without the moon
But never too dark to see

It’s a new morning
It’s a new dawning
The sun has risen again
It’s a new season
It’s a new reason
To change and be born again

The magnolia blooms
The red robin resumes
Singing and building his nest
Mothers feed their young
Hope is the song sung
To Mother Earth’s latest guest

I had faith in spring
And hope for life it’d bring
I embrace the shoots of green
I feel the warm sun
As in the race I still run
Is this what “Truth beauty” means?

We’re sailing through the storm
Feeling lost and worn
The rain is lashing
The waves are crashing
It feels so far from home

Let’s fix our eyes on the skyline
Let’s look for that first sign
I know the sun will shine
Let me hold your hand
Cos I know, I understand
Those fears we can’t command

I won’t be lying to you
I don’t know anymore what’s true
I don’t always know what to do
But we are not alone
I see all the fears we’ve known
Withered by the love we’ve shown

Let’s fix our eyes on the skyline
Let’s look for that first sign
I know the sun will shine
Let me hold your hand
Cos I know, I understand
Those fears we can’t command

I walk down the pavement
I sit down inside
Hot coffee and warm croissant
I start swimming against the tide
I’m reaching out
Don’t know what’s next
I’m reaching out
Trying to connect

It’s a new day
And the sun is streaming hot
I remember the stars said last night
“Nobody knows the plot”
I was raised on a promise
It was whispered in the wind
It said “Give all you’ve got
And nobody’ll say you’ve sinned”
I’m reaching out
We’re all we got left
I’m reaching out
Trying to connect

Dancing together, with new steps we learned
We move together, that’s another corner turned
Saw my team lose again, unanswered questions, confidence lost
We all compete, new questions answered, new frontiers crossed
We’re holding it together
Trying to connect
We’re reaching out
Trying to connect