Thus I Wrote

I had a dream. I was on an escalator taking me into the future. I could not get off. Or go back.

My fate, my destiny was fixed. At the end was darkness. I was glad to wake up.

My challenge in the present is to distract myself from that paralysing vision. To live the best I can….for as long as I can.

I have my relationships, those I love. These are my priority.

I am “retired”. But I choose not to accept this as I feel that to be alive means I must add value. I must make things better. I must fix things. I must reinvent myself.

I’m creating a home. I’m learning a new language. I write and compose music. I travel.

But I yearn for more. I am restless for more.

I consider the problems of the age – Inequality, Housing for the next Generation, Climate Change, Innovation, Productivity, Communication, Politics and Democracy. Can I help create a new Politics? Can I help reduce Inequality? Can I help produce new Climate Change policies? Or are all these but distractions. In the end I am on the escalator. In the end I will add little value except perhaps to those I love.

I have dark days. I have good days. But what is life without struggle?

I remember a line in my song “We are Not Alone“…
“ I did not plan for this but now I vow to live it well”.

At 61 I chose to live on the top floor of a big house on the top of a hill with a view of Alexandra Palace and the Sky. There was no lift and three flights of stairs from the street to the top floor.

I could walk to my partner’s flat down the hill to the left and to Crouch End village down the hill to the right, both within 10 mins.

Following my illness I had gambled on my health being good for at least 10 years into the future. I had chosen to position myself ready for the next challenge. I had chosen to reinvent myself. The future was uncertain with only the ultimate end clear. My recent past was turbulent.

I chose a base that did not require too much work. However, while it had much that was new, there was still much to do. It took more time and effort than I had anticipated. It would take a while before I would feel safe. Before I would consider it home.

“Nobody gives it to ya,
Ya gotta take it”
That’s the ‘law’
That’s how you make it

And they took too much
With cruelty and the gun
Then with inheritance
And with organisation

I had no monopoly
Or old money to fire
I’d only innovation
And a work ethic for hire

I know it’s in the distance
Where the earth meets the sky
Sometimes I glimpse it
In the corner of my eye

And so I distract myself
With everyday things
With learning & entertainment
With words and with strings

Still, inexorably I’m pulled
Into the wilderness
To the twisted shapes moving
I see the twilight confess

And yet on the journey
When I hold your hand
Something somehow changes
I feel a meaning I understand

Life is unknowable
Like a Zen Garden grows
Life is unknowable
It comes, and it goes
The Way’s much more
Than the End achieves
I know the Cherry Blossom
It flowers, and then leaves

I must remember
I must remember to breathe.
I must remember
I must remember to breathe
To avoid those, who will deceive
To work on, what I believe
To give more, than I receive
And remember, remember to breathe

MRI Scans: After and Before Operation

I was slowing down
I slept at wrong times
I forgot many things
I forgot my lines
And then I awoke
With you by my side
And a blinking blue light
…I’d nearly died

I remember being wet
They cut my pants off
I faded in and out
Many hours were lost
In my head was something
It was growing inside
My behaviour changed
…I’d nearly died

From friends and family
A love I didn’t expect
I ordered my affairs
For what might come next
I was glad to wake up
I shivered on the slide
I’d bled too much
…I’d nearly died

Then came steroids
Not much sleep at all
But very dark dreams
I passed out in a fall
The hospital staff
Helped as I tried
As I recovered slowly
…I’d nearly died

Too much to say
Too intense and raw
Over days and months
I struggled with it all
But you were there 
You held me when I cried
As you struggled to cope
Cos I’d nearly died

Alexanderplatz in the snow
Berlin Cathedral on show
Grey sky, Blue stars appear

Near Frankfurter Tor
Something began to stir
We drank beers and examined our years

I lost myself…I lost myself

We give so much
Now what’s left of us?
As we fit in and survive we said

Later we stared at that dome
And talked of our homes
And how our past pulls and things fade

I lost myself…I lost myself

I write much that is serious
About the hurt in my heart
But I enjoy all my life
And all of those who take part
To those that I have loved
And those who have broken my heart
I regret not a minute
I don’t need a new start
I enjoy every minute
Cos they don’t come twice
To grow, have fun and enjoy
Some pain is a small price
Life is good
I’ll enjoy it beat by beat
I’ll never ever lose
But I’ll have many defeats

I’m not that pragmatic
I often swim against the flow
Others just float on by
“It’ll all be fine”, they know

I worry about lies
I worry about universal things
They only worry about themselves
What each decision will bring

I’m not right, they’re not wrong
But these are barriers in between
I wish I could just remove them
But I want my beauty it seems

I walk over my beloved bridge
I breathe the air of the river
The sun will warm me tomorrow
Even as today I walk and shiver