Thus I Wrote

Hey little darling
What’s that you say
Your mother’s a fish?
And she just swam away?

I looked for you
Through the veil of my tears
But I couldn’t see you
Through the smoke of my fears

As I lay dying
I thought of you,
Of all the things I wanted
And all that I didn’t do

But it’s not all about you
To be human is to share
Can you open your mind?
And see what is fair

We have desires and secrets
That we forgot we had
We tried to bury them
But they still smelled bad

As I lay dying
I thought of you,
Of all the things I wanted
And all that I didn’t do

We have desires and secrets
That buried us alive
That killed the intimacy
Our love needs to survive

In my life I have drifted
Between the earth and the sky
My life’s quest a balance
Between the us and the I

As I lay dying
I thought of you,
Of all the things I wanted
And all that I didn’t do

Inspired by As i Lay Dying by William Faulkner

And so it came to pass
We had lunch, God and me
The conversation began to flow
As we relaxed over coffee

God then stroked his beard
And he waited with good grace
As I struggled with my question
He looked kindly on my face

So why are we here?
The human race, I clarified
He thought and stirred his coffee,
Cleared his throat and then replied.

I created this Universe
14 billion years ago
I created all the laws
But how it ends I do not know

The truth is in experience
And in competition’s push
In sharing and connecting
In creating and love’s rush

God then stroked his beard
And he waited with good grace
As I struggled with my question
He looked kindly on my face

So why create this Universe?
Or others, I clarified
He thought and stirred his coffee
Cleared his throat and then replied.

To create independent life
And have someone to share
There is a lot of space
To have no one else there.

We are all connected
And all part of the same
In a circle that goes round
In an endless game

God then stroked his beard
And he waited with good grace
As I struggled with my question
He looked kindly on my face

I won’t be a hurler on the ditch
The only truth is on the pitch
The future is not mine
And the past is just a sign..
While I am plugged in
I am connected
I am alive

My brain is of medium size
It only fits so much inside
So I’ll fill it to the brim
Of only love and good things..
While I am plugged in
I am connected
I am alive

My happiness is when I do
What I was designed to do
Living in the moment
Giving all in the moment..
While I am plugged in
I am connected
I am alive

We are human and it’s our fate
To compete and procreate
To add a bit more
To those gone before..
While we are plugged in
We are connected
We are alive

I laid it on a table
With candles for show
With incense and quiet
With flowers in a row
I fashioned and sculpted
So it shone like new
I placed it proudly
And I offered it to you

We are pieces in a puzzle
Parts in a machine
We are blind to our future
Ignorant to what it means
So I knelt and conversed
And I asked for a sign
“Let your will be done,
Let your path be mine”

But you are the opium
Of the seeking masses
Taken in pain and darkness
In the hope that sorrow passes
Giving form and purpose
To a dark formless void
Collecting drops of humanity
Into a flowing tide

In our secular world
You are set free
Now we use therapy
And we use CCTV
We have burnished a new opium
To collect our minds
But in the darkness we still whisper
“Father, please be kind”

I saw my father
In the mirror today
I said yesterday
What he might say
And I wore a black hat
To hide my grey hair
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

It is what it is
But what does it mean?
I’m an ignorant part
Of a greater machine
I can see the end coming
I’ll try not to stare
As I run too fast
From a life not fair

We’re in this together
So I’m not unique
It’s not an advantage
Or a favour I seek
We’re all alone
When our lives laid bare
We run too fast
From a life not fair.

I held someone’s hand
And made somebody smile
I forgot where I was going
At least for a while
Its good to be needed
And have someone to care
As we run too fast
From a life not fair.

I remember my father as he lay there waiting
In his bed of white and gold
He held my hand and he looked in my eyes
He said ” Now, it’s my time to go”
He said “I’ve worked all of my life to give to you
And now I can’t give any more
So take your place and make your own space
Remember my love while you’re in the race
And give yourself… Give yourself to the world”

I watched my mother as she laughed through a story
Of her childhood long ago
She held my hand and she looked in my eyes
She said “I want you to know”
She said “I’ve spent all of my life in loving you
And I could not have loved any more
So take your place and make your own space
Remember my love while you’re in the race
And give yourself… Give yourself to the world”

I sat with my family for a Christmas or birthday
That mark the passing of our days
We joke and we laugh and we enjoy the moment
And later I reflect but don’t say
That we don’t know tomorrow, but we’re on the same journey
And this is how we hold hands on the way
So we take our place and we make our own space
We love each other while we’re in the race
And we give ourselves….We give ourselves to the world.

I told a joke
And it was misunderstood
I did not play the social games
As well as many others could
I worried about the future
I weighed all in my head
I left much undone
I left much unsaid

I pushed the world
And the world it punched back
It cycled and it swirled
It changed from white to black
I bow to the collective
To the secular unseen hand
To the arbiter of what’s effective
Of who falls and who stands

I asked why
But alone no answer came
So I studied some wise men
But the answer was still the same
I’m a drop in the ocean blue
I’m a leaf in the forest green
I miss the God I knew
I miss the love I’ve seen

How did we find
Ourselves on different sides?
What started as a join
Is now a chasm wide
I wish that I could hold you
Like when our love was new
But our demands they were too many
And our gifts they were too few

I drew an eight
When I needed a Jack
You gotta play the hand you’re dealt
Cos there’s no use looking back
I love to play
And I’ll never fold
I’ll play a better way
With the cards I hold

I’m in the eye of the storm
I’m in the deadening calm
I see tomorrow’s form
I hear tomorrow’s psalm
I find I am now apart
I have no hand to hold
I’m a self aware art
A wonder to behold

In the stillness I forgive
The futility of why
The loneliness of live
The inevitability of die
I’m a drop in the ocean blue
I’m a leaf in the forest green
I miss the God I knew
I miss the love I’ve seen

I search for a reason
My soul to drive
Without hunger’s treason
I’m not fully alive
I stand on the shoulders
Of those gone before
I’m a baton holder
From past to future’s door

I bow to the collective
The secular unseen hand
The arbiter of my perspective
The creator of my commands
The connector of those giving
To those who are needing
The cutter from the living
In one cut or slowly bleeding

I was a sandman
In my desert home
I was a searching man
For a direction I roamed
I consider the lilies
As they wave in the field
They bravely ignore Achilles
They bravely trust and yield

What colours to you see
Can you see the whole of me
Can you see my rainbow above
A spectrum from hate to love

What colours do you see
Theres more than one or two or three
Don’t look at just the dark colours that dwell
Look for the beautiful bright colours as well

What colours do you see
Do you want to change the dark in me?
But  look at one colour too long
You may be blind to the rest and be wrong

Well, I depend
On you, my friend
Many times, we’ve stayed up drinking
Many times, we’ve shared our thoughts
But do you really know me
Do you know the thoughts I’ve got

Do you know I have a love
For everyone I know
I have a lust for life
To live and not let go
But sometimes I feel alone
Something rises up inside
It eats at my heart
And it darkens my mind

A dark demon
Stalks my dreams
(A dark demon
Stalks my dreams)
I need a love
To save me
From this dark demon…

Come, now take my hand
Together let’s make a stand
I’ll be your port
In the storm
When it’s cold
I’ll keep you warm
I hope we find peace
And love lights up our lives
And shines forever
Our saviour inside

(From…)This dark demon
Stalking our dreams
(This dark demon
Stalking our dreams)
We need a love
To save us
From this dark demon…

This is based on an earlier poem I wrote of the same name but more recently inspired by the song “I See a Darkness” by Will Oldham. The Johnny Cash cover version especially. I like the metaphor of the dark demon and of love casting out the demons as Christ did in the bible. He used love to banish fear. I have no particular allegiance to religion but the stories form a powerful backdrop to our culture and resonate with me. I see them as useful and powerful metaphors.