Thus I Wrote

I can see the fire burning
But the warmth’s buried behind
It’s buried deep inside her house
Deep inside her mind
I’ve knocked gently on the door
But she won’t let me in
She doesn’t feel safe
She has rituals that begin
She’s a butterfly
Afraid of being hurt
I see the flicker in her eyes…
In the corner of her mouth…

There’s a memory of intimacy
In my heart and head
Years of laughing and trust
Once vibrant now dead
We gave of ourselves
Truly, deeply, madly
I ache for that love
I ache for that so badly
But I can’t short-circuit
Or jump-start that birth here
Even as my emotional muscle memory
Slams into gear
Cos I want it all now
CosI feel it all near

I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

Some don’t have this need
Themselves to open up
To feel what they feel
Or to ache for a woman’s love
I want her joy
I want her heart,body and soul
I want to kiss her gently
I want to see her grow

Of course I worry sometimes
That I’ve got some fault inside
Am I emotionally healthy?
Or am I wounded, raw and wide?
Do I attract vulnerability?
That hides such a strong will?
First, there’s love and then there’s passion?
But then, wounds that grow and kill?

Oh I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

I want a gourmet meal
And not some fast food joint
I don’t need some transaction
I just don’t see the point

You were out on the street with me
Full of passionate conviction
You made me realise then
That I’d let the darkness in
That I’d let ignorant intensity
Punch me in the heart
I worried the centre couldn’t hold
I worried things were falling apart

We try to make the future
Through the limits of our own haze
And it becomes our faith
And we push it in our tribal ways
But it makes me feel lonely
And then I need to hear you call my name
As I ache for the things I love
In this grand game

And I feel so small
As I stare up at the stars
As I feel the sand shifting
Oh but I remember we’ve travelled, so far
And I really don’t mind losing
If  the reason is sound
If we don’t lose the wisdom we’ve found
As this grand game, cycles round

Now when everything is slipping
And the cold wind starts to blow
I remember that sometimes things fall apart
So better things may fall together and hold
Inequality shines through
Beneath the ignorance and the lies
But false promises won’t do you no good
In this grand game

And I feel so small
As I stare up at the stars
As I feel the sand shifting
Oh but I remember, we’ve travelled, so far
And I really don’t mind losing
If the reason is sound
If we don’t lose the wisdom we’ve found
In this grand game

Now it’s all fading away
We compete well as we must
But we’ve much more in common
Than that which divides us
There’s always room in the dark
As in between the changes we’re drifting
To the light of the moon
Your lovely face, I’m lifting

Image – Anselm Kiefer – The Renowned Orders of The Night – Guggenheim Bilbao.

She was the one for me
I went after her blind
I was out of control
I was out of my mind
She was everything to me
She gave me everything to lose
Her body was full of beauty
Her mind was full of shoes

I wrote my poetry for her
I sent her flowers and wine
I offered her bright jewellery
I wanted to make her mine
I worshipped long before her
I examined her body for clues
Her face had a sultry beauty
Her mind was full of shoes

I offered my life to her
I offered her my soul
Without her I was broken
I wanted her to make me whole
Now when I think of her
I see a picture of many blues
I remember her summer beauty
And her mind full of shoes

I wander through the cobwebs
That have gathered in my mind
I awake the visceral feelings
That I thought I’d left behind
Oh, she was once my love
Oh, she was once my muse
I was drugged by her beauty
And her mind full of shoes

Seen the cross in the graveyard
Saying this dreaming now must end
It’s time to end the oppression
Into which they’ve been condemned
I travelled to Kilmainham
Where martyrs died forlorn
All changed, changed utterly
A terrible beauty was born

Now the wind it shakes the barley
I saw them at end of the day
They were drinking in dark, smoke-filled pubs
They were arguing and having their say
But brother then shot brother
And families were wrenched and torn
All changed, changed utterly
A terrible beauty was born

I heard the skylark singing
As smoke rose from the incense
And the clouds above the barren church
Were his only audience
I saw that young nation
Was still in old monochrome
But the world was now in colour
Telling many to leave home

In exile I watched Riverdance
They played rugby with style
In the air they built up confidence
On the earth new country miles
On the edge of a European Union
They were the Celtic Tiger grown
All changed, changed utterly
From that terrible beauty born

No longer saints, no longer scholars
But I still see Celtic ghosts somehow
When the crash came, they fell so hard
They recover, as others allow
In this new world, they’re now free
But with chains, of a different form
United Nations, changed utterly
From a terrible beauty born

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Whoa now lady this is just our first date
Let’s introduce ourselves, now can you please wait?
You know my name and you know I have some baggage
I don’t carry it in a bag, I use this nice carriage

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Yes, I’ve been married a few times before
That’s twice (if you insist on keeping the score)
And yes I have kids and yes they’re all grown up
And yes I tell Dad jokes, though they try make me stop

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Well, I’m getting to it now, shall we order a drink?
I need time to catch my breath and have a think
I came on this date with such anticipation
But now this feels like a Police interrogation!

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

(Well I’ve learned that you do like your wine
And you do like your food as well as some of mine
But let me keep those things to myself
My black eye won’t look too good, on the shelf)

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

In Life I must have, something to give
And having something to share, is my way to live
In Love we’re all different, one size doesn’t fit all
And each couple will make, their own different call

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

My love should be first, before friends, work or sport
I should always be loyal, and provide fun and support
I shouldn’t draw lines, where my love can but lose
And I know my demons and fears are mine to defuse

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Now coffee is over and what about you?
Tell me about you and what do you want to do?
I’ve answered all your questions all down the line
Now shall we move onto a few of mine?

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

Oh shame, our time is over and now what’s next?
I’m not great at sharing on Facebook or text
Oh… you just … want to wait and see
Well… I guess …that’s just fine with me

What have you learned?, what have you learned?
What have you learned?, what have you learned?

I can’t talk to you now, it hurts too much.
We’ve tried to talk together about basic stuff
But we get lost down some dark maze
Of misunderstandings and hurtful ways.
Instead of your beauty and your grace
I see the dormant anger in your face.

I’ve no blame left for you over this deep cut
But I feel pain and have guilt deep in my gut
Yes and I’ve despair over all that’s died
‘Cos once we were cool, side by side

Christmas was harder in this Winter rain
As memories washed over me again
I was numb ’til now but then something restarted
I finally told a friend that we had parted
It was a punch to the heart as it all rose up again
A complex mixture of sorrow and of shame
Oh I hope this year that we’ll restart our lives
I think I’m ready but demons may still arise.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
I can still be loud when I should say things discreetly
I’ve tried to change but I say things carelessly
I’ve been swimming against a current ceaselessly

Someday we’ll meet and talk of old times
And you’ll enjoy your time and I’ll enjoy mine
But now in your heart there’s still a bend
And that’ll take some time for you to mend

I hate how my wrong word you didn’t need
Somehow killed off my history of good deeds
How you drew lines where I felt I could only lose
With loved ones on different sides and saying “now choose”
And how you felt betrayed when I tried to still
Our turbulent family waters with logic and will

Well I can be kind and I can do the right thing
Sometimes with you I was guilty of forgetting
You’re a good woman and you’ve  a good heart
Still you found all those things in me that kept us apart
And I don’t know why,  but it all went black
I wish I could change it and turn it all back
I haven’t forgotten you laughing in my arms
And I haven’t forgotten your beauty and your charms
But now I’ve bought new clothes to stir my blood
And I’ll paint in bright colours, it’s time I should.

Oh I can hope but I cannot trust completely.
Life is messy and rarely happens neatly
But I’ll go forward fearlessly
And swim against the current ceaselessly

You told me earlier that night of your last few years
Maybe I didn’t understand, maybe I was a bit clumsy
I tried to understand your choices
As the music drowned our voices
But it didn’t really connect with me

But there was something that night, about how you danced
In your black, leather skirt
And I ain’t forgotten it yet
Cos it helped me forget
All the past and all the hurt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

Earlier that night you touched my hair
I think in just in a casual way
But it felt like tenderness
And it felt like kindness
Or was I reading it the wrong way?

Oh…you’re a force of nature
An ocean of emotion, of love and of heart
You pull at me with your fun
But you’re not free to be won
And that alone must keep us apart

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
And we didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away, I remember it, we felt so alive

I’m moving on now, maybe we’ll meet again
Maybe you’ll be the spark of my revolution?
With your beauty and heart
Will you play a part
In my new year plans and my resolutions?

But I wish I’d taken a photo of you dancing that night
In your black, leather skirt
With your hair thrown back
As you moved to the music’s attack
In your black boots and black tee shirt

The music was loud 
And we had too much to drink
But it set us free
To dance too wildly to think
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

But when we danced
And our blood was stirred
All the years fell away
We didn’t need words
We’d nothing to say, it all fell away and I remember it, we felt so alive

I’m certainly glad to see you,
You look so graceful and elegant,
In your lilac, silk dress.
I see you have a golden aura,
I hear your voice is full of money,
Among the tea, cake and flowers..yes
And the white drapes they rose,
On the wind from the sea.
I was lost in their billowing,
And their seductive revelry.
You’re my light in the distance,
You’re my hope and you’re my goal.
You’re my light in the distance,
I feel you pull at my soul.

And the band began to play,
As they cleared the tables away,
For the glittering young things.
They laughed and they danced,
In their sparkling dresses,
And their sparkling diamond rings.
But we left in secret,
To a secret garden tree.
And under the twinkling lights,
I kissed you and you kissed me.
You’re my light in the distance,
You’re my hope and you’re my goal.
You’re my light in the distance,
I feel you pull at my soul.

My hope and my wonder,
Drove me all my life
On a ride wild and fast.
But I was swimming against a current,
That was bearing me ceaselessly,
Back into my past.
And one by one my lights went out,
I was broken up like glass.
Upon the hard, cold malice,
Of your cruel and careless class.
You’re my light in the distance,
But I was drowned in your entourage.
You’re my light in the distance,
But you were a shimmering mirage.

I walk down the pavement
And I sit down inside
I get a hot coffee and a warm croissant
And then I start swimming against the tide

I’m reaching out
I’m trying to connect
I don’t know what’s next
I’m trying to connect

Aah…This is me now

It’s a new day
And the sun is streaming hot
I forget the story in the stars
Cos nobody knows the plot
I was raised on a promise
It was whispered in the wind
It said “Give all you’ve got
And nobody can say that you’ve sinned”

I’m reaching out
I’m trying to connect

I don’t need to be rescued
I just need you to be there
I’m reaching out for something
Something we can share
But there’s too much noise, You can’t hear me
And there’s a haze, So we can’t see
I’m still outside, Your comfort zone
And when you don’t understand, I feel more alone

I’m reaching out
I don’t know what’s next
I’m reaching out
I’m trying to connect

Aah…This is me now

I created a song from my original poem and changed it in the process as often happens.

Trying to Connect (previously released as I Heard The Skylark).

Released February 21, 2016