Thus I Wrote

There…I’ve said it
And it is, what it is
In the past, I’ve hid too much
Now my heart’s on my sleeve

Too many barriers and longings
In the space between us both
I feel life’s too precious now
Not to go for the throat

All this stuff was swirling
All around my heart and head
I wanted to connect with you
Did I add another barrier instead?

Ah…but there’s a mystery
Deep in a woman’s heart
And words are unlikely to change
Our chemistry from the start

Now I’ve laid myself out
Before her as she walks
And flickering across her face
Is that her desire as she talks?

She chose the one she loved the most
And I who loved me the most
Her love it banished my fears
And we grew and unfurled
Hand in hand to serve the world
Together throughout the years

I never knew the power she gave
The joy or sadness I gave
By what my face would say
Like not giving all my attention
When she wanted to mention
All the little things in her day

I watched a woman to the end
As she talked to her friend
With such concentrated attention
It was a masterclass
In the beautiful art
Of the active listening dimension

I see them in coffee shops
Laughing on the street
Often now in leisure sports gear
They are grounded
They are confident and sure
They make me smile when they are near

And we are but warrior ghosts
Floating above the ground
Looking for a port in a stormy sea
Are we in crisis?
Are we lost?
Because we’re so alone and free

There is so much energy
There is so much talent
Wasted on meaningless things
We need a new messiah
Who will bring focus to all
And who knows what the future will bring?

Sometimes I feel lonely
But my heart’s full of love
And I want to give so much more
I want to wrap my arms
Around all those who seek
And let them serve and grow once more

Today I’m putting
My armour back on
I’ve been in a battle
But I was dressed so wrong
I went in open
I went in kind
It’s been so long
It’d all left my mind

I got my sword now
I can keep’em at bay
I’ve been listening too much
Now I’m going to have my say
I’ve been wounded easily
I got some blood from the fight
I tried a few barks
Now I’ll try a few bites

My boundaries are too soft
I sent wrong signals out
I spoke in whispers
They just wanted to shout
They just pushed real hard
I allowed them in
But that’s not kindness
Letting them win

I will be assertive
I don’t need no aggression
I don’t need no sly jokes
Or any condescension
I will respect those
Who will respect me
But I will cut those
Who try to cut me

I’ve read signals wrong
I assumed too much subtlety
But now if it’s not clear
It will just miss me
When they want something
Then they must clearly ask
Cos reading signals wrong
Is too simple a task

I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve
My gut is all wrenched up
I’m feeling all emotional
I just gotta toughen up

It ain’t what I need
It’s what I give will make the cut
I’ll stop leaking emotionally
I just gotta toughen up

I got some rejection
And that’s now stirring me up
It’s giving me some focus
I just gotta toughen up

Did I force the situation
Ask them drink too early from the cup?
I was not killed so I’ll be stronger
I just gotta toughen up

I’m brave enough to try
To keep on going when I’m beat up
I’m wounded but I’m still learning
I just gotta toughen up

Life is rejection
I’m not alone in feeling messed up
Life is trying
I just gotta toughen up

I can see the fire burning
But the warmth’s buried behind
It’s buried deep inside her house
Deep inside her mind
I’ve knocked gently on the door
But she won’t let me in
She doesn’t feel safe
She has rituals that begin
She’s a butterfly
Afraid of being hurt
I see the flicker in her eyes…
In the corner of her mouth…

There’s a memory of intimacy
In my heart and head
Years of laughing and trust
Once vibrant now dead
We gave of ourselves
Truly, deeply, madly
I ache for that love
I ache for that so badly
But I can’t short-circuit
Or jump-start that birth here
Even as my emotional muscle memory
Slams into gear
Cos I want it all now
CosI feel it all near

I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

Some don’t have this need
Themselves to open up
To feel what they feel
Or to ache for a woman’s love
I want her joy
I want her heart,body and soul
I want to kiss her gently
I want to see her grow

Of course I worry sometimes
That I’ve got some fault inside
Am I emotionally healthy?
Or am I wounded, raw and wide?
Do I attract vulnerability?
That hides such a strong will?
First, there’s love and then there’s passion?
But then, wounds that grow and kill?

Oh I ache for her
But if I can’t have her all
Then I want nothing…
I want nothing…
Nothing at all

I want a gourmet meal
And not some fast food joint
I don’t need some transaction
I just don’t see the point

I don’t have peace now
Because I miss you
Or I miss the thought of you
The warmth of you

I don’t have peace now
Because something’s missing
I dream of kissing…
And of other things

I pull down the stars
To put them in your eyes
I dream of your smile
As I watch the sun rise
I dream of your voice
When I hear bird song
But, still, among the flowers
I feel something’s wrong

I don’t have peace now
Because I don’t have you
And I may never have you
As I may never know you
Are you a shimmering mirage?
Made of my hopeful schemes?
And all my yesterdays?
And all my dreams?

But just the thought of you
Just the chance of you
Just the glimpse of you
Fills me with desire
And I’m glad to be so alive again
Filled with desire

I did not always manage
To stop the damage
That my impatience had spread
My fears rushed on
I know it was wrong
And our love ruptured and bled

Like a finely tuned machine
I was good for a scene
But then something broke inside
I did not manage my fears
Oh, they cost me dear
But I’ve learned a lot on the ride

I’m glad I was kind to you
That I was steadfast and true
Cos this will stand the test of time
And it’s never too late
To grow and change our fate
To change some parts of our mind

I asked why
She burned incense
In the room before she leaves?
She whispered quietly
“It will keep me safe, and rightly
This is what, I believe”

I asked why
He prayed to God
What did it build or achieve?
He whispered quietly
“It will keep me safe, and rightly
This is what, I believe”

Now I do not understand
All the rituals you plan
Or all that you perceive
But they whispered quietly
“It will keep us safe, and rightly
This is what, we believe”

I bow to the haze
Our limitations have made
This wisdom I now conceive
I will tread around lightly
How you feel safe, and rightly
This is what, I believe

They say that she was from the East
She was warm and cool
Pale skin and green eyes
That looked straight through you

She had a room in Carnaby street
She loved it there
But she couldn’t afford it
Without working extra there

She took me in
The light was a hazy red
From the shawl draped
Over the lamp beside the bed
Incense smoke was floating
Above the nervousness in the room
She smiled and opened up
The wine I’d brought home
She poured and let it flow
Over the past where we didn’t roam

We looked at the cracks in the ceiling
As she blew black cigarette smoke
Her perfumed belly moved
When she laughed at my joke
In the red twilight we were the same
Looking for something
Looking for someone
To hold onto

Later, I heard she’d left
Everything was gone, She’d moved on
Maybe, she found something
Maybe, she found someone
To hold onto