Thus I Wrote

The fruits of our dating
In that room of waiting
In that room of life and death
The bed was bloody red
Where she had bloody bled
And this was where we first met

Fighting contractions
And wired inaction
She fought till tired and worn
In that lonely room
In our own cocoon
From bleeding flesh they were torn

In the silent peace
Of the aftermath release
She was too exhausted to respond
My child explored
While I adored
And we formed an unbreakable bond

I tried to be strong
As I went along
But was guilty of many thoughtless sins
But I hope my love is the base
That gives them the grace
To be happy in their own skins

Economically they strive
But as people they thrive
And I am proud of their success
They are my lifelong joy
And the love I employ
Is a constant in my happiness

I remember her when
Her hair was a lustrous brown
She wore shorts then
To a rhythm with no sound
She had captured my heart
But my head rebelled
We were together apart
But I was compelled
I forgot all the rules
When I swam
In her swimming pool

We parked the car
We looked in our eyes
We kissed and saw far
Beyond common lies
I could hear us breathe
I heard my blood race
Would she follow my lead?
Was there was a look in her face
I pushed for more
She did not resist
She began to moan
And strain and twist
She tingled to my rule
As I swam
In her swimming pool

It rained & it poured
I was washed anew
We played sacred chords
Heard only by a few.
I was crystal sure
Her body moonlight shone
Her lines majestic pure
Peace had silently come
A power was mine
An incredible power
To control for a time
My sun and her flower
A symphony of pleasure
We duelled with no swords
We valued with no measure
We spoke with no words
It was earthy mother nature’s school
When I swam
In her swimming pool

I remember her
Standing with hands on hips
In that stone floored kitchen
With her tongue stuck out
In defiance and impotent fury
Behind my grandmother’s back

She was but twenty three, a young bride
With two children already
And another on the way
With two elderly parents to tend to
With an old farmhouse to clean
With hens, pigs, cattle and geese to feed
With produce to collect and harvest

She had no indoor toilet
Or carpets
Or central heating
Or running water
Or electric light
Or friends
Or family nearby.

When the storms came
My father tied the thatched roof down.
He brought turf for the open fire
And sold milk to buy clothes, tea and sugar

My mother cried when the pig was killed
Every year to feed us for the year.
She despaired of the dirt
And the wayward animals
And her wayward children
And her needy parents-in-law

She was a blow-in
And they were scornful
Of her lack of land and of her education.
He was too good for her.

They could not see the love
She brought in bucket-loads
And armfuls,
And how she lit up that cold house.

But then as she always said
An empty vessel makes most sound.

She was Christian indeed
and not just on Sunday
She has a well of strength
And her laugh is infectious
And addictive.
She attracted people to her
And over time won them all over.

Save my grandmother
Who had a secret hurt
That she never shared
But which stifled her love
For her one and only son.

My mother spent her life
Trying to repair that wound,
And at the end of his life
It seemed she finally succeeded.

He loved her and was loved
By her and knew it to be so.
With such love there is no fear
And he died, as much as we can know,
in peace.

Sometimes I did not do
That which I promised to do
And more times than I care to mention
My mother observed tartly
Don’t do things partly
” The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

I was in a mood
And off my food
My face said what I chose not to say
My mother finally said
Look happy or instead
” The wind will change and leave you that way”

There was a lot of noise
There was too much noise
There was no peace to be found
She was losing her way
She would stop and say
“An empty vessel makes most sound”

My brothers and I crossed the line
We fought much of the time
We made an awful noise night and day
My father finally said, frustrated
Annoyed and exasperated
“Start it and I’ll finish it my way”

He had a problem in his day
Someone stood in his way
I think they were petty as well
He had bitten his lip
Then ” A petty man ” he let slip
” On an ass will ride it to hell ”

I explain to her as we sit
But it’s to no avail
She says she does not get it
And so again I fail
I’m sitting close beside her
Where she’s going nobody knows
She’s a car with no driver
She just goes where she goes

She carefully picks her target
Then closes her eyes and goes
It may be a family event
Or perhaps it’s some new clothes
Chocolate she comes alive for
And jewellery it’s the money she blows
She’s a car with no driver
She just goes where she goes

Her fuel is kindness and love
An angry word will make her stop
She’s sensitive and difficult to move
And her maintenance can be over the top
I’m at peace when I’m inside her
I don’t get in that often I know
She’s a car with no driver
She just goes where she goes

Sometimes I feel like losing myself
And giving my all to her cause
But I’m afraid that in losing myself
I’ll be breaking all of my laws
Will I be nothing beside her?
Who nobody sees or knows?
While she’s a car with no driver
She just goes where she goes

I feel inadequate mostly
What I provide is not enough
My mistakes can prove costly
With conversations hurtful and rough
But in my heart I chose to inscribe her
She’s my greatest challenge I know
She’s a car with no driver
She just goes where she goes

She woke up tired
She did not sleep well
She has been through ice and fire
Many times I could tell
She looks in the mirror
At a stranger as she speaks
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She is always in a hurry
And is often late
Her face it shows her worry
Will she miss her date?
Although she’s hot and bothered
There’s a serenity she keeps
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

I sometimes watch her
As she moves and talks
Her beauty has not left her
Especially when she laughs
A lust for life moves her
She hungers for the love she seeks
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She is sometimes angry
Over something that I’ve done
I may think it’s silly
And not noticed that it’s wrong
She demands an answer
And sometimes she cuts deep
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She talks of angels and grace
But can stir the devil in me
I’m in a difficult race
To match her certainty
Her dogma can be a spur
To create silence for a week
But everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

She’s a flower that can bloom
In the fertile earth
She will blossom I assume
When cherished for her worth
Such a love will release her
And in return, her love I’ll reap
Everyday I should kiss her
Before she goes to sleep

It’s heavy, my burden of giving
It presses me, unto the Earth
But there is a truth, in this living
And over time, it builds great worth

In giving, we are connected
We feel the reason we were made
In return, we are loved and respected
By such are our burdens weighed

Without such a burden we float
To the Sky, we are light and free
We are empty, and remote
With the unbearable lightness of being

I find, I am prone to alternate
Between the Earth, and the Sky
Between loving, and selfish states
Between the us, and the purely I

The lines are all drawn
And positions taken
It’s arguments at dawn
And we are forsaken
I think about giving and taking
And how she takes too much
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Will our differences exchange
For the complement we seek?
I know love requires change
And turning the other cheek
Will she do some kneeling?
And her share of the rough?
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Why do we seek control?
Is it a security thing?
We could destroy the whole
Of what we’re trying to win
A lost battle has me reeling
Did I shoot the wrong stuff?
But I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

So give of your love
And it shall be given to you
It’s more blessed to give
Than to receive it too
Such a love sounds healing
And ours a childish bluff
I’ve got a treacherous feeling
That I ain’t loved her enough

Picture: Bella by Lucien Freud

You looked at the deep blue sea
Beautiful in the midday sun
You were looking to the future with me
Wondering if I’m the one
My heart said you were for me
We floated together in the sky
I went down on one knee
You promised,”Until I die”

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?…
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

A new family we created
With a beautiful daughter born
And two children we each donated
To warm our created home
You had time to study yourself
To reinvent yourself anew
I was captured by work
To pay all of the bills due

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

Chocolate your guilty pleasure
New Age your guiding light
Lots of women friends to measure
Life and decide what’s right
You were the emotional muse
The oracle on things of the heart
Strong but easily bruised
The artist as we drifted apart

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?…
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?

I’m slow in an emotional race
Much slower than you
I carry my dysfunctions in a case
Beautifully presented too
Our history is not all as planned
But there is much that is good
Below our doubts and fears
Is our love just misunderstood?

Kiss me one time
Do you love me?
Tell me you are mine
Do you love me?